A lot of parents are really concerned about what their kids watch on TV. And they should be. And I think they should make sure their kids watch a lot of pro wrestling. Because pro wrestling teaches them a lot about life. And the world. For instance, in pro wrestling, good guys often become bad guys. Although they don’t actually become bad guys. We just find out about it. We find out about the real so and so. It’s revealed to us.
“Oh--I thought he was this guy. No, no, no. He’s actually someone else.”
Like Hulk Hogan. “He’s an American hero. What’s he doing? He’s eating meatloaf. And taking vitamins. And now he’s in the ring--he’s beating the crap out of the Iron Sheik. And what is he doing now? He’s helping an old lady across the street. He’s working out. He’s playing football with his kids. And now he’s performing for American soldiers. Great. Now what’s he doing? He’s at a pound. He’s rescuing a dog. He’s driving the dog home. In his Chevy. Oh--they’re home now. Oh--he’s feeding the dog. Good. The dog looks hungry. He’s petting it. And he’s, uh, giving it a prostate exam. Now he’s, uh, unzipping his pants. Wait a second. What the hell’s going on here? Ah--come on, Hulk! What are you doing?”
Remember the time you found out Hulk Hogan was a dog molester? “Ah--don’t do that, Hulk! Ah! now he’s choking the dog. With a Saudi Arabian flag.”
Yeah--that was a good episode. At least it was entertaining.
But in real life, when you find out that a good guy is actually a bad guy, you’re not usually that entertained. It’s kind of disturbing. And it happens a lot. Especially in marriages. Like some woman marries Steve. “Steve’s a great guy. Look at the ring he got me. Wow! It must’ve cost a lot of money. And we went on an amazing Honeymoon. Bermuda. Jamaica. I love Steve.” And then three months later, Steve talks off his mask, and reveals himself as Steve the Con Man, Steve the Asshole, and of course, Steve the Dog Molester. “Oh great. I’m married to Steve the Dog Molester. Tag team partner of Hulk Hogan. I didn’t see that one coming.”
Although most of the time, they do see it coming. “On our tenth date, we went back to his place, and we watched Scooby-Doo. He has the entire series on DVD. And at one point, I think I saw him put his hand in his pants. I though he was just scratching or readjusting, but I guess not.”
A lot of women have discovered that they’re married to Steve the Dog Molester. They should make a website for those women.
Politicians also reveal themselves as bad guys. That happens a lot. Like with Obama. First he was a good guy. He won the Nobel Prize. Then he took off his mask, and said, “Kill this guy. Torture that guy! Send troops to Afghanistan! War! War! Does anyone else want a war? I don’t care! I want a war!” And we thought, “Wait a second. What the hell’s going on here?”
There were a lot of signs, though. Like immediately after he won the Nobel Prize, and he gave his speech: “Yeah--I’m for peace. And I’m going to do whatever I can to promote it. But let me just say this. Sometimes, you have to kill people. And sometimes, you have to kill a lot of people. And sometimes, you don’t have to kill people--but it’s a really good idea.”
And some of us said, "Hold the phone here. This guy sounds like he wants to kill people." But most of us replied, “Oh--he's Barack Obama. Apple pie. Hope. Change. The Professor. Mary Anne.”
You know what? I’ll bet his birth certificate is a fake--because I don't think his last name's really Obama. I'm pretty sure it's Rambo. Barack Hussein Rambo.
If Obama wins in 2012, I think he should just become a complete heel. No more BS. Here’s what he should do. He should attend a charity event hosted by, say, Sandra Bullock. And then, out of nowhere, without any announcement, he should pull out his checkbook, and give Sandra a $100,000 donation out of his personal account. Everyone will cheer, and he’ll look like a great guy. Then, he should grab a steel chair, fold it up, and walk back to Ms. Bullock. Now, no one’s going to suspect anything. They’ll just figure he’s getting a chair for her, or it’s some symbolic part of the show. So Obama should take his chair, lift it up--AND SLAM IT RIGHT INTO SANDRA’S HEAD! Oh--and then he can take the check out of her hand, tear it up into pieces, and drop them on her unconscious body.
That sounds pretty good. It’s even better than Hulk Hogan’s heel turn. Don’t get me wrong--I like Sandra Bullock. But I think I'd prefer Obama slamming her in the head to Miss Congeniality 3. Maybe they can work that scene into the movie. And they can set up a Wrestlemania match between Obama and Bullock. I've never ordered a Wrestling Pay Per View before, but I'd gladly pay $59.99 to watch that. They could charge $5,000 for that. And wipe out the national debt.