Google is the greatest company ever. Just type in a few letters--like PIZ--and Google will take it from there:
"Oh, you must mean Bob's Pizzeria. You went there six months ago. Here's the phone number. Here's the address. Here are directions. Do you want us to drive you there? We'll drive you there. We'll send over a Google cab. Do you want to go to Disneyland, too? Do you want some ice cream? Ice cream? Huh?"
That's Google. It's just pizza, Dinseyland, and ice cream. Although to be honest, I actually meant to type in PUZ, and search for puzzles. Maybe it was a Freudian slip. Or maybe Google changed PUZ to PIZ.
"This guy doesn't want puzzles. He wants pizza. Obviously. Just look at his search history. The other day, he searched for triangles, and then tomatoes. You know what that means."
Google is everything that Ask Jeeves should've been. Ask Jeeves--which is now Ask.com--is this website that made itself out to be your personal butler. As in, "Tell Jeeves what you want him to do." But in reality, it was just a search engine. But Google is better than a butler. It's like Mary Poppins. It pulls out its magic bag, and it can do anything. When I run a Google search, I kind of expect it to go, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." I'll bet Mary Poppins didn't actually have magic powers. She just used Google.
Google has built up so much goodwill with me, that even if it were somehow take a ton of PCP, go to an orphanage, and kill 100 kids, I'd have to let it slide. "Yeah--Google killed a bunch of orphans. But do know how muych time it's saved me?"
Other companies on the internet aren't so great. Like AOL.
Turn on my PC, and open Chrome
It automatically loads my Home
Page -- what website am I on?
You're damn right -- it's Google.com
Holy smokes, those pages load fast
It took me half a sec to find J Lo's ass
Obama's in charge -- that's not quite accurate
He's second in command, right behind Eric Schmidt
Even more -- there's a Google freakin' world
From Google Search and Earth to Google Jheri Curls
We revolve around the sun -- that used to be true
But nowadays, we go around Mountain View
The company's making all the right moves
Back in the day, they gave us Google News
In 2006, they acquired YouTube
And in 2010, they introduced Google Lube
Thanks to Google dates, I met my wife Dolores
Six months later, I got a Google Divorce
Ten times a day I check my Gmail
And thanks to Google Shopping, I don't pay retail
I pay my bills using Google Checks
And I get busy using Google Sex
See the stars with Google Telescope
Get off drugs with Google Methadone
Feed your fish with G-Aquarium
If you're insane use Google Sanitarium
Sometimes I go to Google
For no reason
Maybe I find
The Google logo pleasing
'Tis the season to be Googly
It's high treason to be Yahooey
Put an end to wars -- just go to Google Peace
And sign a treaty with Ahmadi-
nejad, Kim Jong Il, Fidel, and Saddam
Hussein -- oh wait, that guy is gone
Google stock debuted at eighty five
Right now it's really freakin' high
They make 20 million every day
It should be 20 Googol -- move the decimal place
They gained our trust -- Google always comes through
That's why Yahoo is a distant number two
Google's name is something sacred
Sometimes I think that we should hyphenate it
If Google were a snack, I'd have a fat neck
If Google sold crack, I'd be a crackhead
If Google baked rolls, I'd eat nothing but bread
If Google had a hole, I'd dump my girlfriend
If Google were a hooker, I'd be in line to pay
And if Google made a toilet, I'd pee twenty times a day
Bill Gates, Steve Jobs
Will watch Google grow
And in in a couple of years
Both of their asses will be broke
Windows, ipods, ipads, iphones
Excel and word, pretty soon they'll go
Extinct
They'll be replaced with Google products
Say goodbye to those ridiculous markups
If I could snort Google, I'd be snorting those keys
Oh yeah, I'm high
On GOOGLE
Search images, videos, books, and blogs
And with a quick download
Your own desktop
Scholarly papers, patents, and traffic
You can even search Uranus
Both your ass and the planet
Checkout let's you pay the safe and easy way
And also say, "Screw you eBay"
Google Maps will give you directions
Use Google condoms for your protection
I used Google Faith, and I found God
I Used Google Earth and found Osama bin Laden
Pop Pop -- used my Google AK
And I don't think that he went Heaven's way
And I gotta say
That even though I'm not gay
I must admit
I'd like to marry Larry Page
GOOG-411 is FRE
E FUCK ATT
Create some privacy with Google Toilet Stalls
Then pull out and inflate your Google blow up doll
Store your pictures with Picasa
Park your Honda and your Datsun
Find the distance from Japan to China
And pics of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan's vaginas
Safe search off -- I want some nudity
After I'm done, I better clear my history