Do you guys know Crazy Gideon? He's a legend in the crazy person electronics retailing industry. "I'll sell you a TV for half price. I'm crazy. Crazy Gideon."
His store went out of business over a year ago. He announced that to the public by saying, "I'm going out of business--and I mean it." He had to add the "and I mean it" part. After all, it was his 743rd going out of business sale. "I'm Crazy Gideon--and I'm going out of business." We've heard that hundreds of times. "It's my semi-annual going out of business sale."
No one takes him seriously when he says something like "I'm going out of business." So he has to add the "and I mean it." Not just when closing his store. He has to say that after everything. Even after his wedding vows. "I promise to love, honor, and obey you, 'til death do us part. And I mean it." He ended up geting divorced two months later.
Even when the "and I mean it" is there, people still think he's full of shit. The second he said, "I'm going out of business--and I mean it," all seven billion people on the planet replied, "Bullshit!" That was the first time in human history that everyone did the same thing at the same time.
But he did in fact go out of business. I'm still skeptical, though. Knowing him. Who knows? He might still be in business. Maybe he's selling us TVs, and we don't know it.
Or maybe he turned his store into a santitarium. He finally took that step. "Crazy Gideon's Electronics Store? No. Crazy Gideon's Sanitarium. I'm crazy."
A lot of stores have a perpetual going out of business sale. "We're going out of business. 90-98% off everything. Everything must go. Except for our Going Out of Business signs. Those aren't for sale. We're going to keep those around for the next 20 or 30 years."
There’s a rug store near me that’s been advertising a going out of business sale for over fifteen years. 1995: “We’re going out of business.” 1996: We’re going out of business.” 1997: “Yeah---we’re going out of business. Sure. Sure we are.” Fast forward to 2012. “We’re going out of business. Get these bargains while they last.”
So they’re still in the process of liquidating their inventory. Because apparently, you can’t go out of business cold turkey. It's a slow process. It’s like quitting meth. You need to do it gradually over the course of ten or twenty generations.
I can see that in someone's will. "I hereby give my son my Going Out of Business business." That family is going to pass down the going out of business business until going out of business is no longer profitable.
So if you see a rug store that's going out of busines, keep in mind that the people who run it aren't really in the rug buisiness. They're in another industry. "What do you do for a living?" "I go out of business."
I go to those places every once in a while and play along with them. "You're going out of business? Oh--I'm so sorry to hear that. That's too bad. You know what? I have some used clothes in my car. I was going to give them to goodwill--but maybe I should give them to you. Oh--and do you want me to make you some soup? I’ll make you some soup. Minestrone? Do you want minestrone? You know what? Maybe the government will bail you out. I mean, we don’t want to lose a business like yours. Imagine what that'll do to the economy.”
Then I give him business advice. "Maybe your original prices were a little too high. $147,000 for a rug? That sounds a bit high. At least now you're having a 99% off sale.”
I guess there doesn't have to be much truth in advertising. Is that what they had in mind with the First Amendment? I'm not sure. I guess so. Free speech includes the right to go out of business and stay in business.
The First Amendment. Crazy Gideon is familiar with that one. "It's my favorite amendment. And I mean it." He really means it.
So, as you might imagine, I usually don’t trust advertisements too much. It’s not just the rug stores.
Infomercials are usually the most ridiculous.
If infomercials weren’t allowed to lie, they'd be five seconds long. After you filter out the fake testimonials, the paid audience, the deceptive demonstration, and the spokesperson who doesn't even use the product, there's not much left.
Over its history, the infomercial community has experimented with lies. One level at a time. "How much can we get away with?" Over time, they learned how much.
“OK. Let’s tell them they can lose ten pounds in forty days using our equipment, or our juicer, or our video. Do you think they’ll go for that? Probably not--but let’s try it.” So they tried it. And people bought it.
And they took things to the next level. “Lose 15 pounds in 30 days.” They weren’t so sure that would sell. But it did. “20 pounds in 20 days?” Yes. “Without dieting?” Sure. They made wilder and wilder claims. And the companies that didn’t make those claims didn’t make money.
So what’s next? “You know what? You don't even have to use the machine, watch the video, or diet. As soon as your payment clears, the fat will start burning off. Once that money goes from your credit card to our account, your fat will go from your body to your worst enemy's ass."
And don't forget the money back guarantee. If you're not satisfied, you can return whatever you bought for a full refund. Minus the shipping and handling. And you'll have to pay to ship it back. And spend two hours packing the thing and going to the post office. Do all of that, and they'll refund the purchase price. Spend $10 on shipping and two hours of your time, and you'll get your $40 refund.
I don't know. That doesn't seem satisfying to me. I think you'd be better off taking a boulder and droppping it on whatever you bought. That's what I usually do.
That's worth more than getting back your $40. Are you kidding me? That's worth at least $500. So you're making money on the deal. That's why I buy everything I see on infomercials. And then I drop a boulder on each product. I don't even bother using the product first. I know it's garbage the second I see the infomercial. I don't need to use it. I don't even open the package. My UPS guy thinks I'm insane. He drops off a package, and I immediately smash it to pieces.
But I'm actually glad that the company ends up with my money. That;s fine with me. They deserve it. For putting together an infomercial. 90% of the most entertaining programs on TV are infomercials. TV Guide should feature them on their cover, as opposed to Kelsey Grammer's latest sitcom.
I love infomercials. Especially the audiences. They applaud and ooh and ah everything. The infomercial audience lets you know that "Everyone agrees with this infomercial's claims--and you should, too."
Everyone? Is an infomerical audience "everyone?" Not really. They shouldn't be considered everyone. Unless you're talking about a mental institute "everyone."
But my favorite part of an infomercial isn;t the audience. It's the sidekick. There's usually a sidekick who takes the ridiculousness to to the next level. Any time the host does or says anything, the sidekick is amazed. "Wait a second. Are you telling me that I can wash my food dehydrator with just water and soap? I can use water that comes out of the tap? Wow! I think I'm about to pass out!"
I want to hire someone like that to be my sidekick in real life. She'd be very interested in everything I do and say. ___
I think I look at infomercials a little differently than others do. I saw one where a knife cut through granite, and then easily sliced a tomato. Others look at that and think, "This might be a good knife." But I'm prety sure it's some sort of code. There's some sort of connection between granite and tomatoes. Infomercials are like the Da Vinci Code for me. I think Tom Hanks should star in a few. Hanks and Popeil. That sounds like an Oscar to me. And as an added bonus, when they accept their Oscars, they can sell food dehydrators to the TV audience. And the live audience. Nicolas Cage will buy three of them.
With an infomercial, you can sell things that people wouldn't normally buy. Has anyone ever thought, "You know what I really need? A pasta machine." Has anyone ever thought that? No. But Ron Popeil has sold millions of them on TV.
Ron Popeil is my favorite non-sidekick infomerical character. He's selling us things that we definitely don't need. He's well beyond the "might not need" category. If there's no chance we need it, Ron Popeil will convince us to buy it. That's what he thinks when he decides what product he wants to sell next. "What's the one thing people absolutely, positively don't need? A food dehydrator. A sausage machine. A pasta maker. A rotisserie oven." He's challenging himself as a salesmen. "Don't give me something that people actually need." You'll never see Ron Popeil selling something like food. That's beneath him. "Food? Why would I sell that? I'm Ron Popeil. Anyone can sell food. People need food. A true salesman doesn't bother with something like that."
So the next time you're considering buying a food dehydrator, just keep that in mind. It's all part of Ron Popeil's challenge.
Oh--and don't call the guy an inventor. Or a salesman. He's an entertainer. Ron Popeil is an entertainer.
I'd pay to wach him live. Put me in an infomercial audience. I'll pay you, Ron. Not $20, not $30, and not even $40 like you're probably thinking. If you let me watch the taping of an infomercial, I'll give you 3 easy payments of $19.99. And if you act now, I'll throw in my handy dandy peanut de-sheller.
I think we should put Ron Popeil in a room with Crazy Gideon and some similar characters. They'll go head to head trying to sell each other TVs and food dehydrators. There should be a video game based on that. "I'm Crazy Gideon. I'll give a TV for half price." "The RonCo Pasta Maker. 4 Easy payments of just $39.99. And if you act now..."
"If you act now, we'll throw in something." I like that. That's nice of them. Not only do they want to give you soemthing for free, they want to help you overcome your procrastination problem.
Infomercials like to give people free bonuses. But at least they keep them within reason. Unlike those webpages that sell you ebooks. They get a little carried away. "If you buy our ebook, we'll give you $1000 worth of bonuses. And our ebook isn't $200. We crossed that price out. It's just $50. $50 for a $200 ebook, And $1000 in bonuses."
I actually feel bad when I buy something like that. I think to myself, "This guy's losing a lot of money." I don't just pay the $50. I contact the site and say, "Can I give you a little something extra?" I feel indebted to them after I get my $1000 worth of free bonuses.
The internet's filled with webpages selling ebooks. And for some reason, those webpages are all a mile long. Apparently, long sales pitches do a better job of persuading people, even though we don't read the entire page.
But if you're used to the internet, you know that those one mile long ebook sales pitches are usually bullshit. You're suspicious. So I guess they target people who aren't used to the internet. People like that think those sites are the Wal-Mart of the internet. They think they're shopping at Wal-Mart for an ebook. They don't realize that they're a long ways from Wal-Mart. They're not even at Crazy Gideon's. They're at his completely insane cousin's store. "Yes. Yes. I'll give you a good deal. Ebook. 75% off. And $1000 in free bonuses. A $1244 value. For just $52. I'm completely insane."
The internet should come with an atlas. One that'll let people where they are. Any time you end up at one of those "buy my ebook" websites, the atlas should let you know: You're not at Wal-Mart.
I don't think an atlas is enough, though. We need travel guides. The travel guide should also mention that the $50 price isn't fixed.
Because a lot of those sites stop you when you try to leave, and and they lower their price. The initial price is $50. But if you try to leave, they'll negotiate with you. "OK. $40."
When that happens to me, I leave again in hopes of getting another discount. I'm a tough negotiator. Next time I'll try putting a gun to my modem. Maybe that'll get the price down to $30.
Once, a site tried the "don't leave--we'll give you a discount" approach with me, and lowered its price from $50 to $40. But it took away the free bonuses. "Our normal price is $50. But now that you've tried to leave, it's just $40. But you won't get the $1000 in bonuses. You can either pay $50 for the full package with the bonuses, or pay $40 for just the original ebook."
That was a new approach. I didn't expect it at all.
Imagine a car dealer doing something like that. You reject his $15,000 and start walking out. And then the dealer stops you and says, "You know what? I'll give you the exact same car for $11,000. But we get to keep four of the tires. And the ignition. And the transmission. And the brakes. But aside from that, you get everything. That's a $4,000 discount."