I'm a Jew, and my career hasn't gone anywhere. Am I still allowed to be mad? How come Hollywood wants nothing to do with me? Don't they realize I'm part of their conspiracy? Maybe there's some secret handshake I don't know about. Or maybe I need to walk through MGM's studios while eating a pastrami sandwich. There's something I'm not doing. I don't know the protocol.
I'm definitely pissed off. My last name is Ohebsion. Ohev Tzion. As in Love Zion. I should get an executive producer credit just for that. My last name makes Spielberg sound like Cross. Compared to me, he's Steven Cross. I'm the one who should be deciding Spielberg's fate.
When I first heard about the Jewish Conspiracy, I got so excited. I started rubbing my hands together and thinking, "Yeah. I'll ruin this guy's career, I'll take 30% of this guy's earnings. I'm going to destroy the Gentiles." I was only 8 years old, but I was really into the whole thing.
Then I read Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion. When Gentiles read that, they get more and more pissed--but when we read it, we're like a Gentile learning how to fix a car. Or build a shelf. Or whatever the hell they do.
Jewish parents read it to their children as some bedtime story. They hide it inside of the Torah. Gentiles think we're reading the Torah to them. They think, "The Torah. That's the Old Testament." No it's not. Look inside there.
If I'm going to be blamed for the Jew conspiracy, can I at least be part of the freaking thing? Is that too much to ask for? If you're a Jew, let's do some conspiring. Email me.
What about all of those Jewish merchants and moneylenders who are pretty much broke and coming off of a money losing year? Many people consider them greedy Jews who take advantage of others--and yet, they don’t actually get any money. That’s like the opposite of having your cake and eating it. Just picture a broke Jewish moneylender or merchant saying, “Where the hell’s my cake?” You don’t have your cake, and you didn't get to eat it. Someone took it. I’m going to go ahead and blame the Gentiles. Two can play at that game. Gentiles are stealing Jewish cakes.
Or what about if you’re a Jew in the entertainment industry, only your career hasn't gone anywhere? Like Larry David’s career before Seinfeld.
Now I'm beginning to think that the whole idea of a Jewish conpsiracy is actually a Gentile conspiracy. You know what? That makes sense. They’re just blaming the Jews. “Yeah--it's the Jews. It’s the Jews.”
Bullshit! It’s the Gentiles. And if that's the case, I want in on the Gentile conspiracy. Where do I sign up?