The 4th of July Should Be Moved to May 5th

The Fourth of July is essentially a celebration of intolerance. Intolerance more or less sums up the nation's history. People who refused to eat liberty steaks, pray to Jesus, and watch Make Room for Daddy have been persecuted by a bunch of so-called freedom loving Americans.

In fact, the holiday and the nation itself have their roots in our unwillingness to tolerate the British--those polite, fun loving folks who were only trying to make life better for us.

Lighting up fireworks and barbecuing hot dogs on the Fourth of July is just another way of saying, "If you're not a member of the PuritAryan race, fuck you."

Jorge Washington

And that's why we should move the 4th of July to May 5th. And I'm not just talking about the holiday. I mean we should move the actual July 4th calendar date to May 5th.

And while we're at it, let's change the name of President's Day to El Dia de los Presidentes.