The United States Federal Budget

The United States federal government collects two and a half trillion dollars in tax revenues a year. If you had that money in hundred dollar bills and put it all into one stack, it would make it all the way to the end of the universe. (And that’s the just the federal government’s money. Add state and city taxes, and you’d have to wait for the universe to expand just to make room for your stack.)

And what do they do with all of that money? Believe it or not, they spend every penny of it—and then some! (And you thought MC Hammer was bad.)

But what do they spend it on?

Federal Expenses

$700 billion goes to Medicare and Medicaid.
$600 billion goes to Social Security. That’s right. All of those old people who complain about everything all day are actually getting paid to do it. (Just be glad we’re not paying middle aged married women to complain. That would bankrupt us in about three hours.)
$550 billion goes to defense. Why? Because we have no idea how to get along with others.
$300 billion goes to unemployment and welfare. Which is actually a halfway justifiable expense, if you’re into all of that communist trickle up bullshit. But then again, let’s not kid ourselves—half of the people collecting that money deserve a kick in the butt instead of a check in the hand.
$250 billion goes to interest on our ever expanding debt.
$90 billion goes to education and training. For once, a figure that actually seems a bit low—and it would be low, too, if not for the fact that our schools are funded by states and cities.
$75 billion goes to transportation—most of which is spent on moving a truckload of dirt back and forth so it looks like the government is actually doing something.
$70 billion goes to veterans’ benefits.

$45 billion goes to the administration of justice—but considering how it took me 173 minutes to cancel my AOL account (and those bastards still charged me for the next four months), I’d say we’re not getting our money’s worth.
$35 billion goes to the environment. In other words, even though the environment is free, the government still finds a way to spend money it.
$30 billion goes to foreign affairs—which seems like a lot to me considering how I only spent $1,500 on my affair with a Canadian cocktail waitress.
$25 billion goes to agriculture—which really doesn’t make sense to me considering how I still have to pay for my fruits, vegetables, and grains. (I guess that 22 cent apple actually costs $25,000,000,000.22)
$25 billion goes to community and regional development—but judging by the fact that liquor stores outnumber people three to one in a quarter of the country, I’d say some communities haven’t seen a penny of that money.
$25 billion goes to science and technology—most of which is spent on the President’s video game collection.
$20 billion goes to energy—which makes me think we’re buying batteries from the wrong place. (I mean, Wal-Mart sells 50 AAs for only $3.72)
$20 billion goes to general government expenses (—probably hookers for the Kennedy family. Although according to my calculations, that’s not nearly enough to cover the bill.)

And the grand total comes close to THREE TRILLION DOLLARS!!!

But to be fair, the federal government does do a lot for the people, and I suppose all of its spending does make some sense—until you consider how from 1776 to 1912, Uncle Sam and Co. hardly even collected income taxes! That’s right. They went from spending a few dollars here and there to dropping well over 300 Paris Hilton years [1] on an average day. Which leads me to believe that there are some serious shopaholics running things in Washington.

And to make matters worse, there’s really not a damn thing we can do about it. We can’t stop the government from ending up a few hundred billion in the hole each year.

And as we continue to add to our $12 + trillion debt, at some point someone is going to ask for some of that money back, our entire house of cards will come falling down, and the Angel of Credit will take 40 grand out your behind.

So what should we do? I say we return the country to the Indians, and let them pay the money back.

Stock Market Investing
The Declaration of Independence
The Constitution
The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

Paris Hilton year: the amount of money Paris Hilton spends in one year

Let's talk about taxes. You know. Taxes. That money we pay the government. The government's forcing you. Sometimes the government has to use force. That's the bottom line. There's no asking. They know it's not going to work--especially with money. With money, they draw the line. With a lot of other things, they just ask and suggest. "You should probably do this. You should probably do that. You should probably eat 1000 mg of calcium." But when it comes to taxes, there is no asking. "Give me the damn money, or you're going to jail. We'll send some thugs down there with guns and make sure we get it." They don't make any exceptions. They didn't make an exception for Joe Louis. And they sure as hell aren't going to make an exception for Joe Blow. "We want our money, Joe."

So what are they spend it on? I did some research the other day. Well, not the other day. At some point in my life, I did some research. Because I'm a human being. I have some sort of curiosity.

Apparently, they're collecting a lot of money. So what are they doing with it? Are we getting good value for our money? I don't know if we're getting good value. We're probably not using the right coupons--because apparently the're collecting a lot of money, and they're still in debt. And it's not coupons. Maybe they're not shopping at the right store. Does the government even know about Wal-Mart? That's what I want to know. I'm guessing they don't. There's no other way to explain this. Someone needs to direct Uncle Sam to Wal-Mart. He doesn't know about it. He's old-school. I don't know where he's shopping. Maybe one of those local mom and pop shops that sell shovels for $350. You can get that same shovel at Wal-Mart for $9.44. Or you can go to 99 Cent Store and get it. You are taking a risk there, though, because it might not be a good one.

The point is, there are alternatives, and someone needs to point them out to the government. So that's part one of my economic plan. By way, I'm running for president in 2012. Just show Uncle Sam Wal-Mart, the 99 Cent Store, and maybe Target and Amazon.com. I'm sure he doesn't know about that. He can really clean up on that whole Amazon.com prime shipping deal. You pay $79 a year for that account, and you get free two-day shipping on everything. The government probably buys a lot of stuff, so that $79 would go a long way. I don't know if it's $79. I think it's less than that. But Uncle Sam should consider using Amazon Prime.