Do you want to know the secret to losing weight? Anyone? You don't have to ask me. Just go to a newsstand. There are probably twenty women's magazine there--and every single one's cover says something about the secret to losing weight. “This is the secret. We’ve finally found the secret.” Every issue. Every single one.
Some of these magazines put out 52 issues a year. And they’ve been featuring diets for three decades. That’s a lot of secrets. 1500 per magazine. That’s one thing we’re never going to run out of. Weight loss secrets on the covers of women’s magazines. Saudi Arabia will run out of oil before that happens. The Pacific Ocean will run out of water before that happens.
Just once I’d like to see a women's magazine that says: “If you want the secret to losing weight, just read our last issue. We already told you the secret. Why did you even bother looking at this magazine? Why does our magazine still exist? We let everyone know the secret to weight loss in our July 21, 2011 issue. That's the end of it. This discussion is over. Why is anyone still talking about weight loss? We gave you the secret! The secret’s out.”
That's not going to happen. Each and every week, they tell you they have the secret—and each and every week, they replace last week’s secret with a new one. And they plan these issues weeks in advance—so they have five or ten new secrets just waiting for you. They’ve already discarded next week's secret.
This is what happens when they have a meeting: “OK. So on August 1, the secret will be the low carb, high cabbage, medium carrot diet. Then on August 8, it’ll be the medium carb, low cabbage, no carrot diet. Then on August 15, it’ll be the low carb, high carb, medium carb diet. All three carb levels in one.”
Yeah. Do you know about that one? The low carb, high carb, medium carb diet? That might work. Yeah--I'll bet some of you thought that when I mentioned it. You thought to yourselves, “The low carb, high carb, medium carb diet. That sounds good.”
No--it doesn't sound good. It's bullshit--just like 90% of the diets out there. Particularly the ones in women's magazines.
And people are optimistic about each new diet—because they play with your hopes. It's like these diets are lottery tickets. Scratch offs. You’re scratching off the Whatever Diet. One part at a time. “Cherry —yeah this diet sounds good. Cherry—it seems to be working. Cherry—it is working. And... orange—I gained all twenty pounds back.”
Yeah--that's the three cherry diet. Unfortunatley, three out of four cherries doesn't pay you anything.
And then of course, you go back to the 7-11 and buy another ticket. Dr. Atkins, Dr. Shmatkins. Dr. Pritken, Don’t Eat Chicken. Low Carb, low fat, eat this, don’t eat that. Lose ten pounds in twenty days, it’s really easy, just follow my way. Not his way. That guy’s wrong. Don’t listen to him. His diet’s a con. You should not eat this in a house. You should not eat this with a mouse. You can eat the mouse, though. Because it’s low carb. You can eat his cheese, too. You can even eat lard. South Beach, Paris, Okinawa, Milan. They’re not just places, they’re diets we’re on. You should eat 30 bananas a day. Or how ‘bout the Mexican Diet, ole!
The Mexican Diet? I don't about that one. That's probably not going to sell. Mexicans aren't really known for their thinness. How about the Anti-Mexican Diet? The Don't Cross the Border Diet.
A while ago, I came across the Maker's Diet. It's a diet that's based on the Bible. I'm pretty familiar with the Bible. I don’t recall seeing a book of fat loss anywhere in it. I’ll have to ask the Pope.
King David looked pretty lean. Maybe there are some fat loss tips in Psalms. Jesus was thin, too. What did he do? He starved himself for 40 days and 40 nights, and then he ate some bread and fish. There we go. The Jesus Diet. That's better than the Maker's Diet. Jesus is like the Heidi Klum of the Bible. When it comes to thinness.
It shouldn't surprise anyone that there's a Bible-based diet. When it comers to dieting, people will use any angle.
But the Maker’s Diet takes a pretty unique approach. It appeals to the Bible’s authority. But most other diet books go with something else altogether. This is what 99% of them tell you:
“I know what I’m talking about. No one else does. My diet works. I have proof. Science, testimonials, my degree. There you go. There’s your proof. Now, here’s what you need to do. This, that, and a few other things. OK. That’ll be $29.99. The End.”
Is that the end? Actually, that’s not the end. The diet is actually some sort of insane relationship. It’s you and the diet’s creator. You go on the diet, and he spends his royalty from the book sale. And then of course, there’s a divorce. And then you go to divorce court. He gets to keep his money, and all you’re left with is a fat ass.
That doesn’t seem fair. You should at least get your money back. More than that. You should get half of his assets.
But right now, divorce courts favor diet gurus.
I should put out a diet book. Dr. Rodney Ohebsion’s Generic Revolutionary Diet.