What's the one thing women want to hear most? Is it I love you? No. That's not even in the top five. Actually, it is. "I love you" is number five. Number four is, “Have you lost weight?” Number three: “You’re looking thin.” Number two: “Are you anorexic?” And number one: “Seriously, you’re starving to death!”
That's what women want to hear. “You're starving to death. What the hell is wrong with you?” For some reason, that’s the ultimate compliment. How did that become the ultimate compliment? You’re starving to death?
I think Justin Bieber should put out a song telling the listener how thin she is. “Baby you’re so thin / I can see your ribs / Sticking out your dress / All women want your skininess / I can hear your stomach growl / Love all hundred seven pounds / Of you baby, head to toe / When you eat--nobody knows ”
That sounds like a hit to me. Justin--call me up. We'll do lunch. A low carb lunch.
Nowadays, you don’t even need to bother taking your woman out for Valentine’s Day and getting her flowers and a gift. Here’s what you should do. Just tie her to a chair and say “I’m going to force feed you a 1000 calorie meal and make sure you digest it. You’re dangerously underweight.” Believe me, she’ll be thrilled. It’ll be the best Valentine’s Day of her life. She’ll think, “Yes! I look like I’m starving. Mission accomplished. Take that Heidi Klum.”
That’s a chick flick right there. Meg Ryan losing weight on a diet, and Tom Hanks tying her to a chair on Valentine's Day, and forcing her to eat something. And then, at the very end of the movie, she'll weigh herself, take her measurements, and conclude that she's thinner than Heidi Klum. Because most women are in a competition with Heidi Klum. They think to themselves, “Hedi Klum? She's not going to out-thin me. I’ll out-thin her!”
We can call the movie How to Lose Ten Pounds in Ten Days. Because almost all women want to know that. Even most fetuses want to know that. That's what it's come to. I can just see a mother eating a piece of bread, and her yet-to-be-born daughter saying, “Bread? Mom--are you crazy? Do you know how many carbs are in that? I want to look thin for my birth. And you could lose some weight too, Mom. Look at your belly. You're making both of us fat. Me and your belly. ”
Women are obsessed with their weight. If you ask a woman “How was your day?” and she answers honestly, a third of it might be something like, “Well, around noon, I was feeling kind of fat. Then Suzy from work looked at me, and it seemed like she thought I looked thin. I could just tell by her facial expression. Then at three o’clock, I was feeling kind of fat again, because I lifted my arm quickly, and there was some sort of a jiggle. And then a half an hour later, I was feeling really hungry, but I remembered the fat on my arm. So I drank a cup of water instead of eating something. And then at four o’clock, I passed out. I regained consciousness ten minutes later, and I thought about eating something--but then I remembered the saying, ‘Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.’ I’m pretty sure that applies to consciousness, too. As in, ‘Being thin feels better than being conscious.’ ”
Yeah---they should make a movie out of that, too. They can call it How Was Your Day? Subtitle: Being Thin Feels Better Than Being Conscious. It’s not really a chick flick, though. The government should use it to torture suspected terrorists:
“Not talking, huh Muhammed? OK. I'll bet two hours of Meg Ryan's day will change that. Tommy--play the video.”
Nowadays, when women are talking to each other and they mention how they're hungy, they congratulate each other. "You're hungry? Congratulations! High five. Good. You're getting there. You're on your way."
I'll bet that's what some mothers are like with their five year old daughters. "Good, honey. I'm glad you're hungry. Here's a gold star. A star for dieting. Now go do some Pilates."
It's interesting how things have changed. In the old days, when you told your friends you were hungry, that led to some sort of eating. "I'm hungry. You're hungry. We need to eat."
But that's not the case anymore. Not today. Not in these parts of the world. Instead, hunger is a cause for celebration. The same goes for weight loss. In the 1930s, when you lost weight, people acted like you were on the way to dying. But nowadays, when a woman makes it down to a skinny weight, people throw a parade for her. "She's skinny! She's skinny!" But most women are envious of thin women. So they also throw a second parade for her. A secret parade. Where they call her a bitch. "That skiny bitch! I hate her!" That's the secret parade she's not invited to.
Hollywod is completely insane when it comes to all of this. The 1930s version of Megan Fox weighed 173 pounds. But not anymore. These days, people make a big deal about Christina Hendricks. She's a rarity. She's like one of those comets that only comes around every several decades. That's how some people see her. "Wait a seocnd. Who's she? What's going on here? This girl's not trying to starve herself. What the hell is wrong with her?"
But I'll bet that one day, she's going to show up weighing 40 pounds less. Because no woman in Hollywood can continue on that path. It doesn't matter how many men say she looks good. She'll still want to be thin.
And what about all of those borderline anorexic celebrities? They lose massive amounts of weight. Their arms look like sticks. But they're not borderline anorexic. What are they? There's a term for that. Donald Rumsfeld knows. It's not a case of anorexia. It's just enahnced slimness. Rumsfeld should be a publicist for celebrities.
Women are exposed to Hollywood's influence. They see normal weight celebrities bieng called fat. And they see borderline anorexic celebrities getting parades.
Whatever you do, don't tell a woman she looks fat. You might turn her into a terrorist. There's no telling what she might do to you. You're almost begging her to develop psychological problems.
If you have a girlfriend or wife and she loses six pounds, you better mention it. Otherwise, she'll just slap you in the middle of the night. No explanation. She might even choke you to death. And according to female law, she'll have every right to do that.
You're sleeping. You're having a dream. And all of a sudden. SLAP! Right on your face, Now you know why. Don't let that happen to you. Just put a camera next to her scale, and track her weight. If she loses six pounds, mention it.
Do you want to know the secret to losing weight? Anyone? You don't have to ask me. Just go to a newsstand. There are probably twenty women's magazine there--and every single one's cover says something about the secret to losing weight. “This is the secret. We’ve finally found the secret.” Every issue tells you that. Every single one.
Some of these magazines put out 52 issues a year. And they’ve been featuring diets for three decades. That’s a lot of secrets. 1500 per magazine. That’s one thing we’re never going to run out of. Weight loss secrets on the covers of women’s magazines. Saudi Arabia will run out of oil before that happens. The Pacific Ocean will run out of water before that happens.
Just once I’d like to see a women's magazine that says: “If you want the secret to losing weight, just read our last issue. We already told you the secret. Why did you even bother looking at this magazine? Why does our magazine still exist? We let everyone know the secret to weight loss in our July 21, 2011 issue. That's the end of it. This discussion is over. Why is anyone still talking about weight loss? We gave you the secret! The secret’s out.”
That's not going to happen. Each and every week, they tell you they have the secret—and each and every week, they replace last week’s secret with a new one. And they plan these issues weeks in advance—so they have five or ten new secrets just waiting for you. They’ve already discarded next week's secret.
This is what happens when they have a meeting: “OK. So on August 1, the secret will be the low carb, high cabbage, medium coconut diet. Then on August 8, it’ll be the medium carb, low cabbage, no coconut. Then on August 15, it’ll be the low carb, high carb, medium carb diet. All three carb levels in one.”
Do you know about that one? The low carb, high carb, medium carb diet? That might work. Yeah--I'll bet some of you thought that when I mentioned it. You thought to yourselves, “The low carb, high carb, medium carb diet. That sounds good.”
No--it doesn't sound good. It's bullshit--just like 90% of the diets out there. Particularly the ones in women's magazines.
And people are optimistic about each new die. Because they play with your hopes. It's like these diets are lottery tickets. Scratch offs. You’re scratching off the Whatever Diet. One part at a time. “Cherry. Yeah--this diet sounds good. Cherry 2. It seems to be working. Cherry 3. It is working. And... orange. I gained all twenty pounds back.”
Yeah--that's the three cherry diet. Unfortunatley, three out of four cherries doesn't pay you anything.
And then of course, you go back to the 7-11 and buy another ticket. Dr. Atkins, Dr. Shmatkins. Dr. Pritken, Don’t Eat Chicken. Low Carb, low fat, eat this, don’t eat that. Lose ten pounds in twenty days, it’s really easy, just follow my way. Not his way. That guy’s wrong. Don’t listen to him. His diet’s a con. You should not eat this in a house. You should not eat this with a mouse. You can eat the mouse, though. Because it’s low carb. You can eat his cheese, too. You can even eat lard. South Beach, Paris, Okinawa, Milan. They’re not just places, they’re diets we’re on. You should eat 30 bananas a day. Or how ‘bout the Mexican Diet, ole!
The Mexican Diet? I don't about that one. That's probably not going to sell. Mexicans aren't really known for their thinness. How about the Anti-Mexican Diet? The Don't Cross the Border Diet.
Does anyone think it's interesting how the high carb, low fat movement was followed by a low carb, high fat movement? The dieting world is more or less telling you to do the opposite of what is was telling you to do before. "High carb, low fat. That works. It's science, If it didn't work, we wouldn't be selling so many high carb, low fat books." The world said that. And then it said the same thing about low carb, high fat diets.
We still listen to the experts. One day it's, "Load up on carbs." And then it's, "You know what? Load up on everything but carbs." "Drink coffee." "Don't drink coffee." "Avoid all alchohol." "Have one to two drinks per day."
And what about butter? Back in the day, people went out of their way to make butter. It wasn't easy. They went to a lot of trouble. They had to separate cream from milk, build a churner, and then spond a long time churning the cream.
But then in the 1970s and 80s, butter became the enemy. In America, it ranked up there with communism. Butter was to nutritionists what communism was to Republicans. It was to nutritionists what the Road Runner is to Wile E. Coyote. We started seeking Road Runner alternatives. Can you imagine Wile E. Coyote refusing to eat the Road Runner? "Road Runner? I don't think so. There's no way I'm going to spend my days and night chasing 5,000 mg of cholesterol. That's crazy." The world has completely ruined those cartoons for me. I can't even watch them anymore.
The diet and nutrition world can be hilarious at times. It has a changing list of in foods and out foods. Just look at how many foods gone from neutral, to in, to out. There's a revolving door.
Soy was in. Now it's on its way out. At one point, people were putting it in everything. They were injecting it. "Give me 500 CCs of soy." In 2002, the soy foods section of a typical Whole Foods market was the size of a Wal-Mart. It didn't even obey the laws of physics. But now soy isn't as hihgly regarded.
A lot of these foods are like one hit wonder musicians. Like Vanilla Ice. He won a Grammy, he was dating Madonna, and he was pulling in millions of dolalrs. And then a few years later, we were like, “what were we thinking?” Although Vanilla Ice is popular again. Just like a lot of foods. They make comebacks.
I think at some point, we're not going to pay attention to nutritionists. They're going to become like the boy who cried wolf. "Coffee's bad for you. .. No it's not. I was just kidding. ... Coffee's bad for you. ... No it's not. I was just kidding. ... Coffee's bad for you. .. No it's not. I was just kidding."
At some point, the second a nutritionist so much as mentions coffee, we're going to punch him in the nose.
You have to be full of shit to be a nutritional expert. Even politicans don't flip flop that much. Even Reagan didn't do what dieticians have done. Reagan went from Democrat to Republican--but at least he didn't go from high carb to low carb.
Some of these low carb diets are a little extreme if you ask me. You're not allowed to eat potatoes, you're not allowed to eat rice, you're not allowed to eat fruit, you're not allowed ot eat beans. 40 grams of carbs a day. Does anyone realize how low that is? It's like the deting equivalent of joining al-Qaeda.
We should have that color system of warnings just to know how insane a diet is. A Diet Insanity Level. All diet books should have that on their cover.
5% of this country belongs to a low carb terrorist organization. A bowl of rice to them is what the Israeli National Anthem is to an Islamic fundmentalist.
Thankfully, we have more to choose form than just low carb insanity. There are quite a few diets out there. They all disagree with each other. And 99% represent themsleves as scientific.
My favorite diet is the one that involves eating right for your blood type. And when I say it's my favorite, I mean it's the one I find most entertaining. I'm not saying the idea of eating right for your blood type is nonsesne. But I'm skeptical of a diet book claiming it has something like that figured out. Nutrition science has hardly even advanced past stage two. We don't really know that much about nutrition. But the blood type diet is claminng we're at stage ten. It's claiming that the diet is backed by science.
A lot of people hear about that diet, and picture scientists in a laboratory doing some serious work.
But do you want to know the real story behind the blood type diet? Here's how it was developed. Some guy taped a hundred pictures of food on his wall. Then he put on a blindfold and threw 20 darts at the pictures. The red dots became the typa A diet, the blue darts became the type B diet, etc. There you go. Eat right for your blood type. There's the science behind it.
"If you have type A blood, eat these foods." That reminds me of study showing that when people people give a fake astrologer more information about themselves, they end up considering the astrologer more accurate. In other words, the study had some people give the astrologer their birth month and year, while others gave her the month, day, and year. She then gave everyone the exact same personality profile. And people in the second group rated her as much more accurate. If you tell her you were born in March of 1972, you might not buy into what she's saying. But if you tell her you were born on March 15th 1972, then odds are what she says will sound way more accurate.
And the same goes for some asshole telling you that "this diet is based on your specific blood type." When you give him information about yourself--in this case, a science-based piece of information--his diet seems better. It seems more scientific.
Guess what? He's full of shit. Check his room, and I guarantee you'll find a blindfold and some darts.
Am I going to get sued for saying that? If he can sure me for that, then what about all the assholes who didn't lose weight on his diet? Can they sue him? If he sues me, I'm going to file a class action lawsuit against him. I'm going to track down all the people who lost and then regained weight on his diet, and we're going to sue him. We'll find a lawyer that's right for his bloodtype, and then we'll take him for ever penny he's got. I want all of his assets. The blndfold. The darts. Everything. I won't even let him keep his blood.
So there's my take on that. I'm also very fond of Lindora--a diet company repreenting itself as medical. Medical weight loss. They have supervised weight loss programs, along with their own line of diet food. Don't forget. Lindora. Medical. Medical weight loss. It's the medical approach to weight loss. Science. Medicine. Lindora.
"We had some scientists put on their lab coats, measure things with their flasks, do something with microscopes and bunson burners, and determine what you need to eat." That's the image they're selling you.
Then you look at the ingredients in their weight loss products. Like their nutritiional bar. "High Maltose Corn Syrup, Milk (nonfat), Peanuts (ground), Sugar, Glycerine, Calcium Caseinate [From Milk], High Fructose Corn Syrup, Soy Protein Isolate, Rice Flour, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (palm kernal, palm), Raisins, Soy Lecithin, Cellulose Gum, Natural & Artificial Flavors (includes sesame oil), Partially Defatted Peanut Flour, Cocoa, Barley Malt Extract, Salt, Guar Gum."
Explain to me how putting all that in a bar is medicine. Show me that in your medical books. Maybe it's the fact they charge $2-$3 per bar. Maybe that's medicine. Taking two and a half cents of ingredients, and selling them for 100 times that.
Or maybe it's the fact that there's a picture of a doctor. On the box. Medical weight loss. Doctor. There's a picture of a doctor. Is he a doctor of medicine? Maybe he's a doctor of ice cream.
You might as well eat something random out of a vending machine. The average vending machine choice is as good as a $2-$3 Lindora bar. Apparently, a vending machine knows as much as a doctor. We should put a picture of a doctor on all vending machines. And then triple the price of each item.
Lindora doesn't even use the dart system. They just use cheap ingredients. They put the cheapest ingredients possible in their product, and they sell it to you for $2-$3 a bar. They're like alchemists. So I guess they are scientists. Sort of. They're alchemists. They can turn a peanut into a quarter. That's better than turning lead into gold.
"Lindora is America's leading medical weight control system, and enjoys a reputation as the gold standard in weight management." Ask them. They'll tell you. Maybe that's what they use to turn peanuts into quarters. That statement. "Lindora is America's leading medical weight control system, and enjoys a reputation as the gold standard in weight management." That's the philosopher's stone. I found it. You guys can stop looking.
The image they're selling makes you think of scientists. But the ingredients tell a much different story. They make you think of five frat boys fresh out of college. "Dude--we need money, What should we do?" "I have an idea. How about we take something as cheap as Top Ramen, and represent it as diet food." When you think of Lindora, don't think of scientists. Think of those frat boys. Or think of this. A bunch a used car slaseman in a room saying, "You know what? Selling used cars is good. But really. How much can we sell a 1993 Geo Metro for? We can't mark it up 100 times. Forget used cars. I have a better idea. Let's take the Geo Metro of foods when it comes to price. And we'l convince people that it's the Mercedes of nutrition."
Have you ever been to the diet section of a bookstore? It's like 1,000 people are yelling at you with diet advice. And a lot of them are saying different things.
Some women ahave been on dozens of those diets. And some women have been on just about all of them. They're like baseball card collectors. They're trying to complete the set. "I've been on 753 of 792 diets in existence. I have 39 more to go."
Maybe one day, there'll be some sort of backlash against that industry. A group of women who are dissatisfied with diets will band together. They'll go to to the Dieting section of a Barnes and Noble, and burn the damn thing down. And then they'll roast marshmallows over the fire.
I'm not so sure that's ever going to happen, though. Because women have high hopes. They get their hopes up. Any time they hear about a new diet. No matter how ridiculous the diet is. In fact, th more ridiculous a diet is, the better ist sounds. "Eat nothing but grapefruit for six weeks? Wow! That sounds good. This guy's right."
MadoffSo there you go. There are plenty of weight loss products, diet books, etc. And they're supposedly based on proven science.
Also keep in mind that diet book science ism't actual science or anything close to it. It's fictional science. It's like Aristotle's science.
People think these diets are hatched in laboratories. Scientists are mixing chemicals and coming to conlusions. And they've concluded we should eat nothing but cabbage soup, or that we should diet in these five phases, or whatever the hell some diet guru is preaching.
Diet science isn't even like Aristotle's science. The diet industry focuses mainly on what's marketable. That's what ultimately leads to a finished product or service. What's marketable? What'll actually catch on with people?
Now some of you might counter, "Whatever works is marketable. When something's effective, it takes off. Oprah features it, a few celebrities do it, and it catches on with the public."
I disgaree. Do you know how many people have tried to lose weight on, say, an Atkins-style low carb diet? Tens of millions of Americans.
But if Oprah or a celebrity is telling us it's a good diet, it takes off. What's the significance of what a celebrity is saying? Are celebrities part of a secret society? Do they have access to some secret information not available to the general public? "Jennifer Aniston is a celebrity. Therefore, she knows what goes on in those circles. She attends meetings where celebrities discuss what we should wear, what we should drive, what food tastes good, and of course, what weight loss secrets are effective. So we should listen to Jennifer Anniston talk about dieting like she's Eisntein talking about physics."
Do you know what really happens when celebrities get together? They don't have a Skull and Bones meeting where they share Da Vinci's dieting secrets. Here's what they do. They snort cocaine. It's just a bunch of people snorting coke. That's the secret of their society. Dried, powdered coca leaves. Up their noses. That's it. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Jennifer Aniston are there. As are a bunch of other celebrities. It's a secret society where they snort cocaine.
But the point is, a diet doesn't have to be effective to catch on.
And in the world of dieting and fitness, lies tend to sell the best. Timothy Ferriss is making some of the most absurd claims in the history of the industry, and his books are #1 bestsellers.
The industry focuses in on what's marketable--no matter how ridiculous. Ideas have come, had their day in the sun, and gone away. But people still persist in saying that if something works, it'll become popular.
If a diet develops a good reputation, it doesn't matter that much if someone tries it and it doesn't really work. The diet is almost blameless. Because its reputation is in place. After all, Angelina Jolie is recommending it. That givea a diet immunity.
Remember when Kirstie Alley lost a lot of weight on the Jenny Craig diet? The company spent a fortune letting us know. Jenny Craig threw parades every day. "Kirstie Alley! Kirstie Alley! Look at her! Look at her! She lost 75 pounds!"
And then she gained most of the weight back. At that point, they weren't so eager to throw her a parade anymore. People asked Jenny about her. "What happened to Kirsite Alley?" And Jenny said, “Kirstie Who? We have no idea who that is.”
I'm surprised the company didn't send a hitman after Kirstie Alley when they saw her at a Baskin Robbins. They didn;t do that. But when she gained some weight back, they just moved on to another person. Another Jenny Craig success story. “Look at this person. She lost 40 pounds in 100 days on our program.”
That doesn't seem fair. Jenny Craig should be forced to advertize Kirstie Alley's weight gain. That should be a law. If you go on and on about your client's weight loss, you should go on and on about her weight regain.
Jenny Craig abandons clients and moves on to sucess stories, and they remain in business.
The interesting thing is, almost all diet books have mostly positive reviews. Low carb, high carb, low fat, high fat, cabbage soup, cabbage patch, South Beach, South Virginia--all of them work. Apparently. But people are fatter now than they've ever been. And thin is in. It hasn't always been in over history. People want to be thinner than ever, and they're fatter than ever.
And most people have tried quite a few diets. They lose weight, and then they gain it back. Or they don't lose any to begin with. But they don't seem to have much against the diets themselves.
I guess they say, “It’s my fault—not the diet’s. I didn’t stick to it.”
Really? Is that what’s going on here? The diet's fine, and you just didn't stick to it?
You want to know why you didn’t stick to it? Because you were eating 10 pounds of chicken and three ounces of lettuce a day. How the hell are you supposed to stick to a diet like that?
But some people might counter, “No—you can stick to it. All you need is willpower.”
Really? Willpower? You also need willpower to hit yourself in the head with a hammer.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to lose weight and keep it off. But we give too much credit to diets that can't really be maintianed over the long run, and probably shouldn't even be used in the first place.
Diets sure get away with a lot, though. If someone goes on a diet and/or fitness plan, loses a lot of weight, and then gains it back, we're a little quick to conclude it's all the person's fault.
Generally speaking, there's nothing special about most diet and fitness plans. People have lost weight doing a wide variety of things. Of course, they don't always maintain the weight loss. But that doesn't always matter. Anyone can lose weight temporarily doing almost anything. And any asshole can basically enter the arena, claim that his eating or exercise plan is effective, and sell it.
If someone goes from 165 pounds to 125 quickly on a low carb diet, she'll probably recommend the diet to her friends. Of course, there's a good chance she'll be back around 155-170 within a year or so. But that won't stop the diet from getting credit for her weight loss. That won;t stop the diet form becoming popular. People don;t recommend a diet after regaining weight. They recommend it after going from 165 to 125, or 300 to 200, or whatever. And new people try the diet. After all, So and SO lost 40 pounds on it. So and So lost a hundred pounds on it.
It's like a Ponzie cheme. Person A loses weight and recommends the Big Mac and Tic Tac Diet to Person B. Person B loses weight and recommends the diet to person C. It moves on to hundreds, thousands, and sometimes millions of people. We're all running around eating Big Macs and Tic Tacs like maniacs. And eventually, most of the people who lose weight end up gaining it back. Like Persons A, B, and C. And all three of them have spent $27.99 on The Big Mac Tic Tac Diet Revolution--a number one bestseller.
Who ends up winning? Dr. Atkins and Company. It's an Atkins Ponzi Scheme. Most diet gurus belong in a jail cell next to Bernie Madoff.
And again, there's usually nothing special about any particular diet. If you were to feed a 300 pound man nothing but rice cakes and Frosted Flakes for the next three months, he'd probably lose a lot of weight. Do you want me to write The Rice Cake Frosted Flake Diet? I will if there's money in it. Here you go. Just eat 10% Frosted Flakes, 90% Rice Cakes during week one, 20% 80% the next week, 3 -70 during week 3, and so on. There's a good chance you'll lose a lot of weight. I can even make the whole thing seem scientific. I'll just put a dozen people on the diet, and then measure changes in their weight, cholesterol levels, body fat compositions, etc. Odds are I'll end up with a lot to brag about. Even if I put people on a 95% Twinky, 5% vegetable diet.
And nowadays, the world wants extreme diets and extreme claims. So that's what people in the industry give them. "Lose 30 pounds in 25 days on our psychotic diet" sells better than "Lose 5 pounds in 25 days on our sane diet." And of course, some people will in fact lose 30 pounds in 25 days, and recommend the insane diet to others. It'a a Ponzi scheme. And just like Bernie Madoff, the people behind a diet will say whatever it takes to sell their diet and bring in more money.
The nation's trying to be thin. It cares about being thin. Thin is really in right now. It wasn't before. Back in the day, plenty of people wanted to gain weight but couldn't. Thinness is more desirable than it's ever been. A tone of people want to be thin.
Information has spread. People have made recommendations. We crowned a few diets the champions. But if those diet are so effective, how come the nation isn't thin? The numbers don't lie. We want to be thinner than ever, and we're fatter than ever.
But the obesity rate is the highest it's evenr ben. Explain that one.
Some people think TV is making us fat. I'm not sure if that's true. People had TVs in the 50s--and they weren't fat. What shows were they watching? Maybe Leave it Beaver gives you a desire to jog.
People in the 50s had TVs, radios, and access to all sorts of food. Lots of food. Including junk food. And they didn't have gyms.
But again, marketable diets take off--not effective diets. And it's difficult to tell what's effective--especially over the long run.
But diet books all act like they have the answers. "All you have to do is this."
Is that all you have to do? I don't know. I think it's kind of a mystery. But just imagine some book presenting all of this scientific data on weight loss, and then concluding that we're not sure how to actually lose weight. I'm not so sure that would become a best seller.
"All you have to do is eat less and exercise more." That's what a lot of people are saying. They act like it's the easiest thing in the world. And they say, "What the hell is with that fat person? All she has to do is eat less and excercise more." As if that's never occured to her before. As if she's never attmepted to do that. She just needs to eat less and exercise more. She can pull that off for an extended period of time. It's just will power. But she just doesn't do it."
Maybe we should acknowledge that a plain old "calorie deficit" approach won't work for everyone over the long run. How many people do you know who have lost weight and gained it back doing something like that? Probably a few million.
Weight loss sucess stories are kind of a mystery. People think they're not. "Oh--she did this, and that, and she lost weight." But odds are she tried something like that before, and it didn't work out. Or people imitated her, and they didn't lose weight and keep it off. But people still persist in their belief that she lost weight because of this and that, and others can lose wiehgt too by doing the same thing. And again--the Ponzi schemers enter the scene and flood the world with their claims.
A while ago, I came across the Maker's Diet. It's a diet that's based on the Bible. I'm pretty familiar with the Bible. I don’t recall seeing a book of fat loss anywhere in it. I’ll have to ask the Pope.
King David looked pretty lean. Maybe there are some fat loss tips in Psalms. Jesus was thin, too. What did he do? He starved himself for 40 days and 40 nights, and then he ate some bread and fish. There we go. The Jesus Diet. That's better than the Maker's Diet. Jesus is like the Heidi Klum of the Bible. When it comes to thinness.
It shouldn't surprise anyone that there's a Bible-based diet. When it comers to dieting, people will use any angle.
But the Maker’s Diet takes a pretty unique approach. It appeals to the Bible’s authority. But most other diet books go with something else altogether. This is what 99% of them tell you:
“I know what I’m talking about. No one else does. My diet works. I have proof. Science, testimonials, my degree. There you go. There’s your proof. Now, here’s what you need to do. This, that, and a few other things. OK. That’ll be $29.99. The End.”
Is that the end? Actually, that’s not the end. The diet is actually some sort of insane relationship. It’s you and the diet’s creator. You go on the diet, and he spends his royalty from the book sale. And then of course, there’s a divorce. And then you go to divorce court. He gets to keep his money, and all you’re left with is a fat ass.
That doesn’t seem fair. You should at least get your money back. More than that. You should get half of his assets.
But right now, divorce courts favor diet gurus.
I should put out a diet book. Dr. Rodney Ohebsion’s Generic Revolutionary Diet.
Everything you've ever heard abot dieting is complete and total bullshit—except for what’s in this book. Every single person in the diet industry, without so much as a single exception, is either deluded or dishonest—except for me. And the truth of the matter is that diets simply don’t work—except for the one I’m about to describe.
But before I do, let me throw some science your way. Science, You can't argue with science. We put a man on the moon.
Let me ask you something: Why are fat people fat?
Is it: (a) they eat too much; (b) they don’t exercise enough; (c) they weigh too much; (d) they’re genetically programmed to be fat; or (e) none of the above?
If you answered a or b, you’re nothing but a brainwashed sheep. If you answered c, I'd like to come down there and kick the living crap out of you. And if you answered d or e, you’re still pretty much wrong.
Because the truth is that fat people are genetically programmed to eat a certain ratio of food components known as CQ-alphacarboprofilactiketozona-vinimals3.1. And that ratio programs their bodies to be fat. That’s all there is to it—and anyone who tells you otherwise is a nutcase who should be exiled to Jupiter.
The only way to go from fat to thin is by eating the correct ratio of CQ-alphacarboprofilactiketozonavinimals3.1. But even if they try, fat people cannot maintain the proper balance for long. And why? I just told you! Because they’re genetically programmed to eat the wrong ratio.
But believe it or not, I—and only I— (don't listen to anyone else) have found the solution of all solutions—a way to guarantee that you’ll be as slim as a grade three anorexic till the very day you die (—probably of malnutrition).
How did I find the solution?
Well, first of all—DON’T YOU EVER QUESTION ME AGAIN!!! I know what I’m talking about! I’m a medical doctor, for goodness sake! Do you have a medical degree! Do you?! No. You don't. So just sit down, shut up, and listen to what I say.
OK. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, allow me to explain how I managed to make my revolutionary discovery. I started by studying the fat person’s body—not just by asking a few questions and playing with numbers—but by actually digging right into it, and getting all the way down to the subatomic level. I’m talking about cells, protons, neutrons, electrons, and things that would leave Albert Einstein scratching his head. And after 6,792 days straight in the laboratory without taking so much as a second to blink, I actually managed to both find and decipher the fat code itself (—which wasn’t easy considering how it was written in blue backwards hieroglyphic Pig Latin against a blue background). I then studied 432,678,326 different foods—this time at the sub-subatomic level—in order to determine which contain the components necessary to fill in the fat code’s gaps and convert it to a thin code. Finally, I took my data, ran 485,968,325,324,999 computer simulations (all of which I quadruple checked by hand and quintuple checked by foot) in order to determine the exact amount and sequence of foods necessary to infiltrate and alter the fat code—and then I used the results to formulate a never-fail 927 step program to reprogram the program that programs your body to be fat.
I went through all of that just to help you fit into a pair of size four jeans (like that's going ot happen)— and all you’ve done for me is pay a measly $23.99 for my book, you cheap, selfish, ungrateful bastard!
Anyways, here you go:
Preliminaries: Start by taking your height, converting it to inches, converting that number to kilometers, converting it back to inches, and dividing it by the square root of your left wrist’s circumference. The number you’re left with is your Ideal Metabolic Carbohydrate Processing Target Limit Rate On Tuesdays Through Fridays In Months Beginning With An X Or Q, or IMCPTLROTTFIMBWAXOQ.
OK. Now forget about that number, and calculate your BMI, or Body Mass Index. Now, no matter what that number is, you’re way too fat.
Phase 1: If you think Elvis is dead, eat two servings of goat cheese a day for seven days. If you think he’s alive, eat four servings of cow cheese every three days for seven weeks. If you’re not sure, don’t eat any cheese at all. Do it. I know what I'm talking about.
Phase 2: If you’re still alive after Phase 1, eat coconuts for the next fourteen days while watching season two of Gilligan’s Island.
Phase 3: By now, you’re probably starting to get sick of coconuts and season two of Gilligan’s Island. Well too bad! No one said this was going to be easy. Do you think Mrs. Five Foot Eleven One Hundred and Thirteen Pounds of Skin and Bones with Three Pounds of Makeup on Her Face Supermodel wants to eat coconuts and watch Gilligan’s Island every day like some kind of psychotic underfed robot zombie?! No! But she does it anyways. So stop being a baby, and rewatch season two of Gilligan’s Island while sitting on a hammock and drinking coconut juice.
Phase 4: Phases 4 and all the rest of them can be found in my book Dr. John Doe’s Generic Revolutionary Diet Book 2: Milking It for All It’s Worth. You need my book., You need it. Go buy it. And tell your friends to buy it. Everyone should buy it. Now.
80% of the time, if a woman looks really thin, it’s because she’s really hungry. Those magazine covers featuring a celebrity saying something like "How I Lost 30 Pounds"—they should have another quote right there on the cover, right under How I Lost 30 Pounds, that says “I’m really hungry.” There you go. Done. "How I Lost 30 pounds" "I'm really hungry. I've been hungry That's how." You don't even need an article. Well—instead of her diet, she should list foods she chose not to eat over the course of a week. "At 9:30 on Tuesday, I chose not to eat a donut. Three minutes later, I chose not to eat some grapes." The list’ll be longer than a phonebook.
The funny thing is, several decades ago, thin wasn't in. The 1940s version of Megan Fox weighed 155 pounds.