Kim Kardashian For President

Rodney Ohebsion on Taxes, Economics, and Federal Spending

Let's talk about taxes. You know. Taxes. That money we pay the government.

The United States federal government collects two and a half trillion dollars in taxes a year. How much money is that? Well, if you had it all in hundred dollar bills and put it into one stack, it wouldn't even fit in the universe. You’d have to wait for the universe to expand just to make room.

That's how much they collect. And when I say "collect," I mean they go out there and take it. That's what they do when money's innvolved. They use force. With a lot of other things, the government just asks and suggests. For instance, they say, "You should probably eat 1000 mg of calcium a day." But when it comes to taxes, it's, "Give us the damn money, or you're going to jail." And they don't make any exceptions. They didn't make an exception for Joe Louis. And they sure as hell aren't going to make an exception for Joe Blow. "We want our money. Joe, Jim, Sally, Sue, or whatever your name is. We want our money. Oh yeah. Try to get 1000 mg of calcium a day."

And what does the government do with all of its tax money? They spend every penny of it. As well as another one and a half trillion dollars. And I mean intentionally. They plan all of this in advance.

They don't start off by saying, "We're going to collect and spend $1 trillion this year," and then follow up a few months later with, "It looks like we're going to need more money."

Here's what they do. They put together a budget that says, "We're going to collect two and a half trillion, and spend four trillion." Politicians are actually getting paid to do that. They're getting paid to come up with a budget like that. [Politician 1:] "What should we do this year?" [Politician 2:] "How about we collect two and a half trillion and spend four trillion?" [Politician 1:] "OK. Sounds good." Watch C-SPAN. Most of it is discussions like that.

They plan that budget. And then when they do in fact collect two and a half trillion and spend four trillion, they congratulate each other. "Another succesful year. We planned a budget, and we stuck to it. Raises for everyone. Including Joe Blow. Let's make him pay 15% more in taxes. That'll be his raise. That way, next year, we'll collect three trillion and spend four trillion. That's progress. A reduced deficit. That should help us get reelected."

The government sure can spend money. They know how to do that. How do they spend so much? I don't even understand it.

I think if we were to fire the President and all Congressmen, and replace them with Kim Kardashian in the White House, Beyonce in the Senate, and Paris Hilton in the House of Representatives, the government would save a trillion dollars a year. Because for some reason, the people we have in office right now are the only people in the entire country who can spend more than Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and Paris Hilton. That's essentially who we chose.

At first, there was taxation, but no representation. We fought for independence. We won. A few people got to vote. Mostly white, male property owners. Then that right extended to everyone over the age of 18. Nowadays, we have a media with an amazing budget, and a focus on government and politics. There's TV, newspapers, radio, and the internet. We have C-SPAN, C-SPAN2, C-SPAN3, C-SPAN Radio, and c-span.org. The public studies politics in depth. We read, listen, watch, discuss, analyze, and write about politics.

And after all of that, who do we end up choosing? Who do we end up voting for?

I'l tell you who. Bigger spenders than Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, and Paris Hilton.

The E Network and C-SPAN should make a trade. Let's put Kim, Beyonce, and Paris in Washington, and put Obama and Congress on a reality show.

The people in office right now shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of a one dollar bill. Our currency should file a restraining order against them. We need to exile those assholes immediately. Not impeach--exile. We'll skip the impeachment process. I'll find some way to do that. I'm a constitutional lawyer. I'll find something.

How does the government spend so much money? We're probably not using the right coupons. Or maybe we're not shopping at the right store. Does the government even know about Wal-Mart? That's what I want to know. I'm guessing they don't. There's no other way to explain this. Someone needs to direct Uncle Sam to Wal-Mart. He's too old school. He's still going to one of those local mom and pop shops that sell shovels for $350. You can get that same shovel at Wal-Mart for $9.44.

The point is, there are alternatives, and someone needs to point them out to the government. That's part one of my economic plan. By way, I'm running for president in 2012. I'm part of the Take Uncle Sam to Wal-Mart Party. I'll drive him there personally if I have to. President Ohebsion will drive Uncle Sam to Wal-Mart. I'll make that part of my campaign logo. And under the logo, it'll say, "You can't run up a $4 trillion bill at Wal-Mart. Vote for Ohebsion in 2012. I Like Ike."

By the way--I'm bringing back "I Like Ike." When Ike was in office, we spent $75 billion a year. Not 4 trilion. And that was before Wal-Mart even existed.

$4 trillion a year. And you thought rappers spent too much. The next time you see a rap video where people are pretty much lighting hundred dollar bills on fire, keep in mind that our own government is about as efficient with money. "Money Ain't a Thang." That's our national anthem.

What is the government doing with all of that money? Are we getting good value for it? I doubt it. Look around. Does it seem like we're getting $4 trillion a year out of our federal government? I don't think so. Maybe we're getting $3.9 trillion worth of bullshit. They should include that in the Federal Budget.

So what's the government spending money on?

$700 billion goes to federal health insurance programs--as in Medicare, Medicaid, and the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP). But notwithstanding all of that, people and corporations still spend a lot of their own money on health care. It's like we're already paying the government for universal health care, only we're not getting it.

$700 billion goes to defense. Why? Because we don't know how to get along with others. And even when we do, we still up spending a lot of money. Nowadays, even when a war ends, the spending doesn't end. "The war ended. And military spending is up 20%"

$700 billion goes to Social Security. That’s right. All of those senior citizens who complain about everything are actually getting paid to do it. (Just be glad we’re not paying middle aged married women to complain. That would bankrupt us in about three hours.) I'm actually OK with Social Security, though. But I'm guessing that the government finds a way to waste money--not on the payments, but on the system.

$500 billion goes to unemployment, welfare, etc. Again--we're spending the money, but we don't seem to be getting much of it. We could wipe out homelessness for under $10 billion.

$250 billion goes to interest on our debt.

$200 billion goes to benefits for federal employees and veterans.

$100 billion goes to education and training. For once, a figure that actually seems a bit low—and it would be low, too, if not for the fact that our schools are funded primarily by states and cities.

$100 billion goes to transportation—most of which is spent on moving a truckload of dirt back and forth so it looks like the government is doing something. "Look! Transportation. Looking at what we're doing. The federal government. We're moving dirt."

$45 billion goes to the administration of justice—but considering how it took me 173 minutes to cancel my AOL account (and they still charged me for the next four months), I’d say we’re not getting our money’s worth.

$35 billion goes to the environment.

$30 billion goes to foreign affairs. Even Jay-Z doesn't spend that much money on his affairs.

$25 billion goes to agriculture—which really doesn’t make sense to me considering how I still have to pay for my fruits, vegetables, and grains. (I guess that 22 cent apple actually costs $25,000,000,000.22)

$25 billion goes to community and regional development—but judging by the fact that liquor stores outnumber people three to one in a quarter of the country, I’d say some communities haven’t seen a penny of that money.

$25 billion goes to science and technology—most of which is spent on the President’s video game collection. If I become President, do I get the collection? Is that part of the deal? I'm going to have to call someone and find out.

$20 billion goes to energy. Again--does the government know about Wal-Mart? They sell a 200 pack of AA batteries for $15.76.

And $20 billion goes to general government expenses. What's that? Hookers for the Kennedy family? I don't know.

So we're spending all of that money. But again, it doesn't feel like we're getting that much for it. I'm still sticking to my $3.9 trillion in bullshit theory. There's the real federal budget. "Bullshit: $3.9 trillion. Other: $0.1 trillion."

On the other hand, the federal government does do a lot for the people, and I suppose all of its spending does make some sense. Until you consider how from 1776 to 1912, they hardly even collected income taxes! That’s right. They went from spending a few dollars here and there to dropping well over 300 Kim Kardashian years (the amount of money Kim Kardashian spends in one year) on an average day.

So we're collecting $2.5 trillion and spending $4 trillion. The second number is much higher than the first one. What does that mean? It probably means something. What does it mean? 2.5 trillion. 4 trillion. What does that mean?

Maybe the national debt clock will provide a clue. I watched it for a few hours today. And I noticed a definite trend. The number's increasing. Do you guy's know about this? The number's going up. I watched our debt go from $15,422,987,456.23 to $15,423,578,021.15.

And as we continue to add to our debt, at some point someone is going to ask for some of that money back, our entire house of cards will come falling down, and a creditor will take 50 grand out your ass. I think. Is that how it works? The debt clock didn't really explain that part. It just kept on increasing.

I'm seriously concerned about our increasing debt. I'm not just going to sit idly by and watch that number go up. Well, I might watch the debt clock for a few more hours today. It'a actually pretty entertaining. I think I might go ahead and cancel my cable. What't the point when there's a federal debt clock? I mean, if we're running up a debt like that, I might as well get some entertainment out of it. But we ultimately need to do something about this.

And it's not just the total debt. The $50,000 debt per person is also increasing. That's the key number. The debt per person.

Maybe we should increase the population size, and drive the debt per person down to a manageable figure. Right now, there are 300 million people. If we bump that up to 30 billion, the debt will go down to $500 per person. That's OK. I can swing $500. Well--I personally can't. But I definitely know some people who can.

Obama better do something about this. We're not paying him just to take trips to Martha's Vineyard. Unless he's impregnating 5 or 6 women each time he goes there, he's not doing his job.

Actually, I have an even better idea. How about we return the country to the Indians, and let them pay the money back? Is that an option? I'm not sure.

I don't think economists have explored that option.

I can't say I know too much about economics. But I'm beginning to think that same is true for actual economists. Around 2000, they seemed to think we'd end up with a stable economy with modest, regular growth, along with enough federal government surpluses to take us out of debt. Instead, we had major economic swings--and our $6 trillion debt has expanded to $15 trillion.

Economics is bullshit. If you want to major in economics, you have to minor in bullshit. You have to convince people that even though your last ten + years worth of budget predictions were 100% wrong, and that even though your stable economy is unstable as ever, you still know what you're talking about.

Economists get away with a lot of bullshit. Psychics do, too. But they don't have degrees. I think we should treat economists more like psychics. Ben Bernanke should be forced to wear a wizard outfit. And economic forecasts should be called economic readings. There should be economists at your local pier, offering economic readings for $5.

But back to the federal debt. We hear a lot about it nowadays. Maybe I shouldn't care. How about that? Can I just not care? We're in debt. So what? What do I care? Why does CNN keep bringing it up? What are they trying to say? That I have to worry about the government's $15 trillion debt, and my own $350 debt? I'm just some guy. I'm Rodney Ohebsion. I’m not Senator Ohebsion. What the hell do I care if we’re trillions in debt? There’s no “we.” I’m $350 in debt. I don’t know about you assholes. If some Chinese guy comes to collect the trillions, I’ll drive him to the White House, lead him to to the Oval Office, and say, "Talk to that son of a bitch. That's where the buck stops."

When it comes to most things, I'm part of this country--but not when we're talking about that $15 trillion. Once you bring it up, I'm just a man who lives on earth. With a $350 personal debt.

By the way, my debt’s more urgent than the government’s. I owe it to a drug dealer. And I can’t just borrow more money from China. I've already exhausted that source. My neighbor Ling Tang lent me $20 the other day. I'm going to use it to pay back the drug dealer. And after that, I’ll get to the government's debt. You know: “Eat breakfast alone, lunch with a friend, and dinner with an enemy.” I guess in this case, the US government is my friend. And after I take care of the national debt, I guess I’ll start paying off France's debt.

But I'm not too focused on any of that. I'm into the economic matters that concern me. Like Disneyland ticket prices. They're in the $100 range. If you charge me that much to get in, I should get to punch Mickey Mouse in the face. And if the government takes $12,000 from a couple making $40,000 a year, and then says, "We collected $2.5 trillion and spent $4 trillion," that couple should get to punch a few politicians in the face. Is that checks and balances? It's something. It sounds very constitutional.

I'm not just pissed of about the deficit, though. I'm seriously pissed off about unemployment. I mean, any time I go down there, those assholes ask me to prove that I'm looking for a job. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? The government wants me to prove that I'm looking for a job? They should prove that I'm not looking for a job. Why are they trying to take away my constitutional rights?

But I guess most people care more about the fact that people are unemployed to begin with. Which makes sense.

By the way--I'm not unemployed. I have a website. I'm pretty sure that counts as being employed. I don't even bother trying to collect unemployment.

But there are plenty of unemployed people. The government spends and loses trillions, and yet, we still have plenty of unemployed people. And homeless people. My school of economic hasn't figured that one out yet. I though it was either we lose a lot of money, or we have high unemployment and homeless rates. One or the other. How is it both? How is that even possible?

I think I'm becoming a conspiracy theorist. It doesn't make sense. Where does all of that money go? We can wipe out all homeless in America for ten billion dollars.

We could even do it for less. Just give each homeless person a ten foot by ten foot room with a toilet, shower, kitchen faucet, and electrical outlet. I'm not talking about a suite at the Ritz-Carlton. Just the bare minimums. I mean, it's going to be hard to put all that in a 100 square foot room--but I'm pretty sure the Japanese do it already. So just give each homeless person a Japanese subcompact studio apartment. Tell Honda to send over some.

And with a room like that, people will still have an incentive to work and move on to something better. And just to make sure they'll want to leave, we can also play Michael Bolton music the entire time. So they'll say, "I have to get away from this Michael Bolton music. I need to get a job and find somewhere else to live." No offense, Michael Bolton. I've never heard any of your songs. But to my knowledge, the general public is not fond of them.

If we spend $3,000 per person, per year on apartments, and $1,000 on cheap, nutritious food (oatmeal, sunflower seeds, carrots, peanuts, milk, in season fruit, etc.), it'll cost us $2.8 billion total for the nation's 700,000 homeless people. Plus the cost of Michael Bolton CDs. Michael Bolton will be the richest person in the world when I'm done with this. And 700,000 people currently on the street will also benefit.

And even though some people who aren't homeless now might take advantage of free room and board, just consider the financial benefits of housing and feeding the homeless. Some of them will end up getting jobs. Plus, their improved diets will also save us money on health care. And getting people off of the street should cut down the crime rate.

I think even a lot of free market capitalists might not hate that plan. Getting homeless people off of the street, giving them minimal room and board, and torturing them with Michael Bolton songs. That might be tolerable to them.

But the point is, the federal government spends $700 billion a year on Social Security and $500 billion on unemployment, welfare, etc.--and yet, there are 700,000 homeless people in this country. All of whom could be housed and fed for under $10 billion.

And we spend $4 trillion total--and yet, plenty of people are unemployed, undermployed, etc.

I thought it was a one or the other proposition. That's what seems to make sense. Either we spend and lose a ton of money, or we have the unemployed and homeless.

We've found people who managed to do both. Nice. Thank you. Someone give them a high five. And give us a high five for electing them.

Don't forget to reelect Obama in November. "I promised you Hope and Change in 2008. And I gave you Deficit and Unemployment. Vote for me."

Obama should be forced to deliver that speech. We have a right to make him say that. I'm pretty sure that's checks and balances. Or maybe I can try a First Amendment angle. I'll figure out something. Don't forget--I'm a constitutional lawyer.

But it's not about Obama. The point is, I think someone should be getting fired for all of this. Our national debt is in the $15 trillion range. Shouldn’t people be getting fired? Every time we hit a new trillion, 100 politicians should be kicked out of Washington. That can be a reality show. It’ll make C-SPAN much more entertaining. We’ll give roses to the people who’ll stay.

I'm suprised that hasn't happened already. I'm beginning to think all of this representation shit isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I think I figured out what elections really are. Here's what one comes down to. Which bullshitter do you want? Which bullshitter are we going to see on TV for another four years? That's an election. "Here are some bullshitters. Choose one."

Political debates are spisodes of America's Top Bullshitter. The participants aren't even allowed to really do much thinking. They have to bullshit us on something without thinking. I think we're just testing politicians to see if they immediately bullshit us no matter what we ask them. That's essentially what a political debate does. That's what politians train for. Their advisor or campaign manager is like the trainer in Rocky. Only they train politicians to bullshit on any topic within a second. Just imagine someone like that preparing a politician for a debate. "Come on, Newt! I want you to eat facts and crap lies."

We watch those debates. And then we vote. "Choose one of these bullshitters." That's an election.

I don't care. I don't care who wins in 2012. I'm not even going to watch The Bullshitter-in-Chief Show. Regardless of who wins, I'm going to watch Looney Tunes. It doesn't matter who you put in office. It's four more years of Looney Tunes for me.

I actually have a plan that doesn't involve electing new people to office. Let's transfer our debt to a drug dealer. Imagine Obama or Romney trying to borrow another trillion from a drug dealer we already owe $15 trillion dollars to. Obama and ROmney are good bullshitters--but I don't think they'd be able to pull that one off. Bullshit might be a replacement for cash in a lot of the world--but Ray Ray the crack dealer is a "cash only" kind of guy.

So we need some financier to transfer our debt to drug dealers. Maybe that’ll get our government to start saving some money. Wal-Mart’s that way. Start shopping there.

Or maybe we can just print more money. Is that an option? I'm not sure. I'm not sure about that part.

I do know a lot about economics, though. I learned quite a bit by watching TV. Not PBS or the Learning Channel. I'm talking about Gilligan's Island.

At first I thought that show didn't make any sense. When I saw the millionaire and his wife buying goods from the other castaways with US currency, I thought, "Shouldn't money be worthless on Gilligan's Island? They don't have the option of going to Fort Knox and cashing it in for gold. And if money isn't backed by gold, it's just paper and ink."

Then I called up Fort Knox, and they told me that we got off the gold standard decades ago. So I guess I'm not the only one who learned about economics from that show. Gilligan's Island introduced the world to the concept of fiat currency. People watched it and thought, "We don't even need Fort Knox. We can just be like Gilligan. The Skipper, too."

So I guess the Jews really do influence the economy. I mean, Sherwood Schwartz created Gilligan's Island--and we ended up adopting an entirely new economy that he featured.

Am I the only one who doesn't get the whole concept? By the way--I'm talking about fiat currency. Not Gilligan's Island. I get the concept of Gilligan's Island. They explain the show's premise in the theme song. Three hour tour, island, etc.

But I don't get fiat currency. Can Sherwood Schwartz and Company make a song explaining that one? How does it work?

Governments just print money whenever they feel like it. And people give it value. Because everyone accepts it.

And apparently, when the government increases the supply of money, that's some sort of indirect tax on us. They print money, and that devlaues the money we already have.

Is that it? I don't know. I could really use a theme song right about now.

I'm not totally sold on the whole fiat currency idea. I guess I'm paranoid. What if people suddenly decide it's worthless? All of my hundreds will become zeros. I mean, I don't really have much in the way of hundreds. But I don't like the idea of seeing a stack of hundreds and knowing it can't buy anything. Do you know how many rap videos that'll ruin for me? Just imagine Jay-Z bragging about a stack a hundred dollar bills that are worthless. "Money Ain't a Thang" will take on an entirely new meaning.

You know what we should do? We confiscate trillions of dollars in coke, PCP, etc. every year. We should just take all of that down to Fort Knox. Then we can let people know, "Now your money's backed up. We have $20 trillion worth of drugs." And that way, if we ever run into some financial problems, we can all go down to Fort Knox and get stoned. That's a really good idea. I'm suprised we haven't done that already.

So money used to be backed by gold. How did the government buy that gold in the first place? They didn't have money. I guess it's a chicken and egg thing. No one really knows.

And then of course, at one point, they just continued printing money without adding more gold. How was that an option? How did they know that was an option? I used to think it was Gilligan's Island--but I just did some research, and it turns out that the castaways backed their currency with coconuts.

How did the US and other countries know they could just print more money? Is that the same time they started putting all of those weird things on the back of our bills? Were they just trying to distract us? So we'd think to ourselves, “Oh--there’s no gold. But there’s a triangle with an eye.”

Honestly, I don't know much about fiat currency--notwithstanding my extensive knowledge of Gilligan's Island.

I don't know much about the Federal Reserve, either. But I know a little something about Alan Greenspan's glasses. Look at them. I wonder what goes into the decision to wear glasses like that. Did he think, "I don't want to look cool at all. I want to be like the opposite of Fonzie. I want people to look at me and say, 'That definitely isn't Fonzie.' Give me those glasses.”

Interestingly enough, Greenspan, Fonzie, and Sherwood Schwartz are Jews. You know what that means? If you do, send me an email--because I'm not sure.

I do know this: a lot of Federal Reserve officers are Jews--and that being the case, some people think that Jews control the world's finances via a conspiracy. But I actually think it's evidence that there is no conspiracy. Why would conspirators do something like that? Wouldn't they have Jews doing things behind the scenes, and not out in the open? I think they'd make the Fed's board a bunch of Gentile figureheads, while having Jews secretly make the decisions. That's a conspiracy. As opposed to telling the world that Alan Greenspan or Ben Bernanke heads the Fed.

If I were head of a Jewish conspiracy controlling the world's finances, I'd make all Fed board members Native American--and I'd have your Greenspans and Bernankes secretly making the real decisions. I mean, who the hell's going to be suspicious of Fed Chief Blue Coyote? No one's going to come up with Native American conspiracy theories.

So there's my commentary on the Fed. Let's get into some other economic topics. Let's go back to unemployment. I know a lot about that. After all, I'm unemployed. That makes me an expert on umemplyment.

I'm currently unemployed. Maybe. I'm not sure. It depends on who you ask. I have a website. And I'm a constitutional lawyer. So I consider myself employed. But I don't make any money. Am I employed? I don't know. If you ask the government or 7 billion other people, maybe I'm unemployed. But what the hell do they know? They're not part of my school of economics.

The government releases unemployment figures every once in a while, to give us an idea of how the economy is doing. They go to a lot of trouble to come up with a figure. But I don't pay much attention to it. If you really want to know what's going on, just post a job on Craigslist and see how many overqualififed applicants you get. If a former rocket scientist wants to be your $10 an hour assistant, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that the economy's in bad shape.

That's in chapter one of my economics textbook. I don't pay attention to the government's figures.

But according to the government's official numbers, the unemplyment rate is at about 9%. But apparently, it depends on how you classify people. The standards actually change. You can't compare a current figure with a 1930s figure. Probably because someone's trying to bullshit you.

Nowadays, who's employed? Who's unemployed? It depends.

What if someone's not really looking for a job, but he's browsing for a job? Maybe he's definitely not looking for a job. But he's telling people he is. He's definitely telling his wife that. "Honey--I'm looking for a job." He calls her every day from the arcade, park, or beach and tells her that. While she's at work.

What if someone's working 30 hours a week, and wants to work 40 hours a week? How employed is he?

What if someone's making $20 an hour, but he should be making $40 an hour? Is he employed? Does he consider himself employed? What does the government think? What does his wife think? She'd probably vote unemployed. She doesn't care what the government's saying. Her husband used to make $40 an hour, and now he's making $20 an hour--so according to her school of economics, he's unemployed. That's in chapter one of her economics textbook.

What if someone's making $40 an hour, and he only deserves $20 an hour? How employed is he? Is he 200% employed?

And what about someone like me? I'm making $0 an hour, and I deserve at least $1 million. That should be the number one economic indicator. The amount of money Rodney Ohebsion's making realtive to the amount he deserves to be making. I guess this is the Great Depression.

What if someone's working 80 hours a week and he wants to work 40 hours a week? Is he 200% employed? And who the the hell's making him work that hard in the first place? His wife? And his girlfriend? He probably has a wife and girlfriend. But if he's working 80 hours a week, how does he find time for them?

What if a psychologist is working 40 hours a week, but he wants to be astronaut. Is he someone who's both employed as a psychologist and unemployed as an astronaut?

Or take someone who used to work 80 hours a week, and then made it 0 hours a week. Was it because of the state of the economy? Maybe it was his own state. Maybe he became a Buddhist monk. Should we blame the Buddha for unemployment? Maybe.

One source is telling you 9%, another source is saying 15%, and another source is saying 25%. Some people are comparing this to the Great Depression, and others are saying that all in all, the economy's pretty good.

So I don't know what's going on here. I don't even know if I'm employed. It depends on who you ask.

But again, some people are comparing this to the Great Depression. A lot of them are politicians who want to get elected. They're saying our current situation is comparable to the Great Depression.

I'm not sure if that's the case. During the Great Depression, people sang "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?" Nowadays, they sing Lady Gaga.

Or take my friend. He doesn't make much money--but he has enough to spend on iPhone apps. Back during the Great Depression, they didn't download iPhone apps. They were too busy trying to download food.

My granpappy lived through the Great Depression. I should know--because he never shuts up about it. It doesn't matter what's going on or what you're talking about. He'll find a way to steer the the conversation towards the Great Depression. The other day, he saw a pack of Jolly Ranchers and said, "There were plenty of ranchers during the Great Depression--and most of them were screwed. They were anything but jolly."

And I said, "Grandpa--enough about the Great Depression!"

But let me ask all of those "This is like the Great Depression" politicians something: Are you calling my granpappy a liar? I wouldn't do that if I were you. He might be 93 years old--but he can still kick some ass. He kicked my ass the other day, after that whole jolly rancher incident. And I'm 6'2" and 212 pounds. So if you guys don't want to get your ass kicked by my grandpa, you might want to tone it down a little.

But again--I'm beginning to think that representation isn't all it's cracked up to be. I think we should go with a monarchy. And I think I have a good king for us. The President of the 99 Cent Store. That guy knows what he's doing.

The 99 Cent Store is amazing. It's better than Wal-Mart. It's better than Disneyland. They probably sell Disneyland at the 99 Cent Store. 3 for 99 cents. Walk in to the 99 Cent Store with a hundred dollars, and you'll walk out with 10 Dinsneylands, 324 pairs of socks, a partridge, a pear tree, and 1300 calendars.

I think the 99 Cent store should be considered one the Seven Wonders of the World. We need to bump off one of them. How about the Golden Gate Bridge? It'll get you across some water, but it won't get you a 24 pack of socks for 99 cents. What do you want? To cross some water, or to but an entire wardrobe for $25?

Have you even been in a 99 Cent Store? It's the most isane exerience ever. It's a fantasy land. It's like a cartoon where things don't even make sense--like how a bullet to the head doesn't kill Daffy Duck. That's the 99 Cent Store. How do they sell four chairs for 99 cents? That's insane. At a furniture store, they might charge you $199 for one. What is going on here? I don't get the discrepancy in prices.

The 99 Cent Store doesn't obey the rules of eceonomics at all. Supply and demand? Gone. Because when see a calendar at Barnes and Noble for $15, and then you see a similar calendar at the 99 Cent Store that's 4 for 99 Cents, you think to yourself, "Supply and demand. I guess that's not as significant as it seems." They don't even sell calendars at the 99 Cent Store. They just give them away. They'll give you 10 calendars just to walk into the store. There are calendars everywhere. The walls are wallpapered with them.

Outside of the 99 Cent Universe, there are five million calendars, and four million people who want them. So they sell for $15 apiece. But once you enter the 99 Cent version of of reality, there are five hundred million calendars and only 10 people who want them. What do economists think when they walk into a 99 Cent store? They probably end up throwing away most of their theories after taking ten steps into one. If an economics class doesn't take students to the 99 Cent store, it's a waste of time. A Harvard Degree in Economics is just about worthless. They sell 15 of them for 99 Cents. Actually, you get one with every calendar.

A box of cereal for 99 cents. A 6 pack of soda for 99 cents. How is that possible? Goods have to be manufactured, stored at a factory, transported to a warehouse, stored there, and then shipped to a retail location. People have to pay for trucks, gas, rent, insurance, and employees. Middlemen have to make a profit. People have to pay taxes. Those costs are passed on to a retailer. At least, that's what I thought.

You can't just put a crate of hammers in a gigantic Star Trek thing and then beam it up to aisle 17 of a 99 Cent Store in Los Angeles.

There has to be a 20 story deep Willy Wonka Factory under the 99 Cent store. I mean, how else can they keep their prices so low?

And what about inflation? Everywhere else, food prics and cotton prices have gone through the roof. Where does the 99 Cent Store get its food and cotton? Even if they have their own factory or the Star Trek thing, they still need to put food in their food, and cotton in their cotton. Are they growing corn out of last year's Jonas Brothers calendar? How else can they sell a 475 pack of tortillas 3 for 99 cents?

It's not even like they're trying to undercut their competition. It's not like the next lowest price is 2 of those packs for 99 cents, or 1 for 99 cents. The next lowest price is $5. In the retailing world, if Wal Mart sells something for $10, Target tries to sell it for $9. And then if Wal-Mart lowers their price to $8, Target considers matching or beating that price. The 99 Cent store doesn't need another bidder. It's competing with itself. It's like one of those sitcom episodes where two friends or a husband and wife are unknowingly bidding agaisnt each other. Only the 99 Cent Store knows that it's the other bidder.

The head of the 99 Cent store must be the craziest person in human history. He's trying to lower the price of his tortillas right now. He's pissed that the Januray photo of So-and-So Jonas is only yielding ten pounds of corn. It's not enough for him to turn calendars into corn.

Can you imagine what it would be like to have him as a father? Just imagine him as Neil Amrstrong's father. "How's work?" [Neil Armstrong:] "Good. We made it to the moon." [99:] "Oh really? The moon? That's it? Just the moon." [Neil Armstrong:] "Dad. No one's ever made it past the moon." [99:] "Well, someone will at at some point. Do you want to be known as the asshole who only made it to the moon?"

So again, I think that guy should be King of America. I'm not running for President anymore. I hereby endorse the head of the 99 Cent Store. As King. By the way, he's part of the Take Uncle Sam to the 99 Cent Store Party. Forget Wal-Mart. Why go to Wal-Mart when you can buy three shovels for 99 cents?

Actually, that's an exaggeration. There are no 33 cent shovels there. But they are selling a lot of things for unbelievably low prices.

And there's also a company in India that's selling $700 homes in a box. That's not an exagerration. $700 for a 215 square foot flat pack house that you put together yourself. It comes from a prefabricated kit that includes doors, windows, and a roof; and uses coconut fiber, or jute, for wall cladding and interiors.

They're building homes out of coconuts--just like on Gilligan's Island. This is crazy. I think Sherwood Schwartz should get a cut from this. It was his idea.

Anyways, according to the manufacturer, the home can be built in a week. I'm not so sure I believe that. I bought a table from IKEA a few months ago--and putting one of those things together isn't that easy. I still haven't put it together. I just gave up. I tell people that it's a piece of abstract art. If building an IKEA table isn't that easy, how are you supposed to build a house? The directions must be the size of a phone book.

Although the good thing is that the tech-support is in India. So it's a local call. Although I suppose they might sell them in the US, too. And what about Gilligan? He'll have to call Indian tech-support from his island. I don't know how that'll work. He's going to have to call through a coconut and a string. Maybe that Indian company should also sell him a coconut phone. Although I suppose Gilligan might not need phone support. After all, he has the professor.

Anyways, I'm really happy about this. The world is making a lot of progress. $700 homes. And you can buy a lot of stuff at the 99 Cent Store, too. Probably not an actual house, though--because we haven't really gotten to that point. But it's just a matter of time.

The point is, if you can buy a home for $700 and almost anything else for 99 cents or less, I think the federal government can spend money a little more efficiently.

Is that the point? I don't know. Maybe there is no point. Maybe I just like talking about the 99 Cent Store and Gilligan's Island.

In 1776, Thomas Paine released a short work titled Common Sense. And he told us, "We form societies so we can help each other. But when people are in a society, some of them try to take advantage of others. So we form governments to protect ourselves from each other. If a government doesn’t do that and only that, then I say, 'Screw it!' And if the people themselves don’t make the laws of their land, then they'll say, 'Screw them!' That’s why America should tell the British, 'Screw you!'"

He also added that human being are born equal, and aren't meant to have a king telling them what to do. And he said, "The relationship between Great Britain and America is like that of a pimp and prostitute—for just like a sleazy, scummy, lowlife, cane holding, jewelry wearing, blood sucking, overtaxing, perm haired, hundreds counting pimp, they hardly do anything for us, they take money they don’t deserve, they force us to give them regular freebies, and they even slap us around every one in a while. We’d be much better off simply prostituting—er, I mean, managing ourselves. And we should do so by uniting the colonies and creating a representative democracy. So let’s set up a Navy, declare our independence, and British out of our country."

Then someone else offered a rebuttal: "Look. We have a pretty good thing going right now. We’re making money, we have a lot of freedom, and we only have to pay taxes on stamps and tea. And you know what that hundred dollar bill guy is always saying: 'A bird in the hand is greener than two birds in a bush.' I mean, think about it: Do we really want a government that’s of the people, by the people, and for the people? Take my alcoholic, sexaholic, gamblaholic, marijuanaholic, holaholic neighbor Bill. I know I don’t want that son of a bitch to run one millionth of the country. If you think Common Sense's plan is a good idea, drop by my neighbor’s house one day and watch him in action for a few hours."

But apparently, Americans bought into what Paine was saying. Shortly after Common Sense was released, the country declared independence. Which gives me hope that one of my blog posts might lead to the formation of a new country. It worked for Thomas Paine. Common Sense was like a blog entry that went viral. It became as popular as 18th Century America's version of a sneezing panda video.

And on July 4, 1776, America's 13 colonies told the British, "Dear John, George, etc. It’s over! We’ve had enough of your Bullshit. And even though you don’t deserve an explanation, we’ll tell you exactly why we’re getting rid of you fish and chips eating bastards. We've been tolerating you for four score and some odd years, and it’s about time we move on. We’re human beings—and human beings don’t deserve to be treated like this (except for women, Indians, negroes, homosexuals, etc.—but that pretty much goes without saying). And here's a pertinent question: What’s the only legitimate purpose of a government? (a) to make life better for the people; or (b) to enable a few asholes to rob the people? You probably answered B. Well—you’re wrong. So guess what? We have the God-given right to make it A.

"Now, we realize that sometimes you just have to let some shit slide. But you’ve been sending over about a million truckloads of shit a day—and we’re up to our ankles in it. Over the years, you’ve been busy forcing us to trade with you, convicting us of crimes we didn’t commit, and last but not least, Taking Our Money! We made the mistake of trying to reason with you. We should have known better. We do now. And now we’re free—and we consider you the same as any other country: our enemies in war, and our friends in peace. In other words, if you so much as try to take another dollar from us, we’ll cut out your hearts and shove them down your thorats.

"Sincerely, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and A Few Dozen Other Pissed Off Americans."

That's what America told the British. And the British responded, "No."

And in 1783, the colonies won the Revolutionary War. And then in 1787, the union ratified its modern consitituion. Sort of. We've made a few changes since then. Here's the current version.

It starts by saying, "We finally got our own government—and now we intend to do things right. One Country, ~~Thirteen~~ Fifty States—we put everything to a vote, and here’s what we decided. First of all, you can forget about all of that King and Queen bullshit—because we think we’ve come up with something better: the People’s bullshit."

Then the document gets into the three branches of government. Starting with the Legislative Branch. "All Legislative Powers shall be vested in a Congress consisting of a bunch of ~~White Men~~ Representatives and Senators periodically chosen by the Citizens. They shall vote on issues every once in a while, and spend the rest of their time prostituting themselves and cashing checks. They shall have the Power to tax the people, borrow money, pay debts, maintain a military, regulate international trade, decide who’s allowed in this country, print money, establish a postal service, make additions and deletions to this Constitution, add new states to the Union, change the presets on our radio, and decide what toppings will go on our pizza. (Only the Senate can add extra cheese.)

Then there's the Executive Branch. "The Executive Power shall be vested in a President who will be elected every four years. He ~~(and definitely not she)~~ will head the military, pardon offenses, make treaties, appoint people to high offices, and bullshit us every once in a while with a State of the Union Address. Any time Congress agrees on a Proposed Law with a majority vote, it shall be passed on to the President, who will then be given the option of passing or rejecting it. Should he reject it, Congress will be given the option of rejecting his rejection with a two thirds vote. And should Congress reject his rejection, the matter shall be settled by an arm wrestling match between the President’s mistress and the second oldest Congressman’s wife. Oh yeah. A person can’t be elected President more than two times. After all, we don’t want to listen to the same asshole year in and year out for the rest of our lives."

After that is the The Judicial Branch. "The Judicial Power shall be vested in one Supreme Court and many Inferior Courts that will interpret and apply our laws. Criminal Trials and high dollar Civil Trials will be decided by a Jury consisting of twelve random people who just want to go home and get on with their lives."

And our laws continue. "But Wait. There’s More. Americans have the right to say shit, not say shit, shoot shit, drink shit, vote for shit (without paying shit), keep their shit private (most of the time), and keep soldiers out of their shit (most of the time). If you’re accused of shit, the government can’t treat you like shit, or try you again after you’ve been acquitted of shit. And if you’re convicted of shit, the government’s only allowed to do so much shit to you. If the government needs your shit, they have to pay you for it. And they can never do shit to you unless they follow their own shitty laws. Um... oh yeah. We thought about the whole slavery thing, and decided that that shit was wrong. ... Sorry. (And if you want shit for all the shit we forced you to do for free, you’re just shit out of luck.)"

The original document closes by saying, "This Constitution outlines the powers delegated to the United States. If it’s not in here, it’s up to the States and the People."

And it's signed by a bunch of people. Like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, John “The Fridge” Rutledge, Alexander Hamilten Dollabill, Uncle Sam, Cousin It, and Sean “Founding Daddy” Combs.

According to most political pundits, politics in the US comes down to the left and the right, liberals and conservatives. It's not about taking one of those sides, though. It's more about opposing one of them. "Liberals are insane. If they get their way, they'll destroy the country." Or "Conservatives are insane. If they get their way, they'll destory the country." That's what gets viewers, listeners, and readers. One of those two messages. And that's why when people offer political analysis, it really ought to carry one of those themes.

As for me, I have liberal conservative bipolar disorder. One second, I'm watching MSNBC and agreeing with everything it's saying. A few minutes later, I'm over at FOX News, and I feel the urge to buy a Ronald Reagan poster. When it comes to my political views, I go back and forth between the left and right. Sometimes as many as fifty times per minute. You can only imagine what it's like when I vote. I once walked into a voting booth wearing a "Bush is Satan" t-shirt--and thirty seconds later, I was voting for him.

So I'm both a left winger and a right winger. Will that get me fans? I'm doing both O'Reilly and Olbermann's jobs. Maybe that'll get me double the fans. Or none at all. I'll probably end up offending both sides.

I will say this, though. Like most liberals, it takea a lot to offend me. And I mean a lot. But all conservatives have always managed to do more than a lot, even in their sleep. (After all--odds are they're dreaming about deporting Mexicans and killing blacks.) It almost seems like conservatives are all devoted to being as inappropriate and classless as possible. After all, they disagree with me! Disagreeing with me is the most offensive thing a human being can do. There's absolutely no excuse for something like that. None! What I don't understand is how conservatives might not realize how offensive they are.

To make matters worse, those assholes are the most easily offended poeple in the world. No matter what I do, they end up getting offended. It's like I can't even call George Washington and Jesus a couple of Nazis without some conservative taking it the wrong way--even if I'm not doing it with a megaphone outside of a Church on a Fourth of July Sunday morning. (By the way--the next Sunday Fourth of July will be in 2021.) I mean, the other day, I was in a gun club parking lot, covering NRA bumper stickers with Malcolm X ones, and waiting for one of the car owners to spot me and declare me Emperor of the Universe. But believe it or not, none of them so much as thanked me.

What the hell is wrong with people like that? They need to be more tolerant. Like me. Even though I disagree with conservatives, I'm tolerant of them. That's why I don't want to force them to live on reservations. I just want to get them to live on reservations. Without force. We should just lure them in by confining FOX News to reservations. And the second conservatives drop by to watch that shit, we can close the gates on them.

That's how tolerant I am. Unlike some of the lunatics I come across on the internet. Like the ones at conservativecave.com. After I attempted to reform some of them, they gave me a lifetime ban from the site for "Forum Disruption." I actually think the ban is validation that I'm a rational human being. Getting banned from a conservative internet forum is the liberal equivalent of a Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca.

So I'm no longer welcome at conservativecave.com. And a few dozen other conservative forums. But hopefully I convinced a few people to stop going to them, and to head on over to the Huffington Post instead. For those of you who don't know, the Huffington Post is the world's premiere website for correct political views. And by correct, I more or less mean the ones that the Bush family hates.

The Huffington Post should be everyone's homepage. By internet law. Any time I go through the comments section for a Huffington Post article, I can practically smell marijuana coming from my computer.

Huffington Post comments smell like marijuana. Because the site is filled with a bunch of liberal degenerates. It's nothing but a bunch of liberal lunatics running their mouths and promoting liberal nonsense. "Suppost Palestine, watch porn, and smoke marijuana." That's the main message being promoted there.

And they'll also tell you to hate America. The Americans at that site will tell you that, as will the non-Americans.

America is the greatest country in the world. It's better than every other country in the world combined (especially the ones in Northern Europe). But American liberals consider America the enemy.

They also consider me the enemy. Why? Because I'm a decent, honest, respectable, hardworking family man. I go to Church on Sundays, I go to work on Mondays through Fridays, and I eat a meat-based dinner with my family as frequently as possible (--sometimes two or three times a day). I drive an American car, I drink American beer, I shoot an American gun, and I enjoy a wide variety of non-gay, non-pornographic, non-Muslim activities such as fishing, praying, barbecuing, skeet shooting, and guarding our borders.

To liberals, I'm the enemy, but people like Jimmy Ali Carter and Barack Hussein Obama aren't.

Here'a headline you'll never find on the Huffington Post: "Obama Has Never Worked a Day in His Life." That seems like an important story. But liberals don't care about something like that. They'd rather read a story about how people like me are the enemy.

Obama has never worked a day in his life. Has he ever done anything like work in a coal mine? Has he? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Liberals don't work in coal mines. They drive electric cars that use power provided by coal, and then they congratulate themselves for being such amazing people. They eat food that's farmed by machinery powered by gasoline, and transported by trucks that use more gasoline. But liberals seem to think the food came straight from liberal Heaven to their plates.

Matt Damon doesn't care about the coal and gas that do all of that for us. In his deluded mind, his liberalness is responsible for everything. No coal was mined and burned, no food was grown and transported. Matt Damon made it all happen. Isn't that just like a liberal?! They're nothing but pure and infinite egos. Just look at Matt Damon. Look at him! He's completely full of himself. And I mean completely. Every fiber in Matt Damon's being contains an infinite amount of Matt Damon. If Einstein were to devise a way to release the self-centeredness, smug, and conceit in one Matt Damon cell, it would destroy everything but God. This universe, other universes, the past, present, and future, time, space--everything. One Matt Damon cell contains enough to obliterate it all. When Matt Damon looks into a mirror, the mirror can't take it. Matt Damon looking at Matt Damon is too much for a mirror. It vaporizes.

I've never even considered watching a Matt Damon movie, but I'll tell you what: if Matt Damon were to star in The Coal Miner--a 300 hour long film of just him mining for coal, I would watch it a thousand times. 99% of all films should be The Coal Miner starring Matt Damon. In fact, I think we need to make it happen. Let's make make Matt Damon a coal mining slave. Add a new amendment forcing him to mine for coal. And let's not forget about Barack Obama and his buddy Joe Biden. There should be a dozen channels on TV showing nothing but the three of them mining coal. I want multiple cameras, replays, John Madden, Pat Summerall, and plenty of Halliburton commercials. And I want Bill Belichick to stand over them with a whip.

That's the only way we're going to be able to protect freedom in America. If you want peace, you have to be ready for war; and if you want freedom, you're going to have to enslave a few people.

But you don't need to force me to mine for coal. In fact, you don't even need to pay me. Just knowing that I'm doing my part to combat alternative energy is payment enough.

Coal mining ranks up there as one the ultimate American activities. I think all schools should be moved to coal mines, and recesses should be replaced with coal mining. That's the only American way--and anyone who says otherwise is a Northern European piece of garbage.

Working in coal mines and using a ton of gasoline--that's what makes you a man. That's what makes you a real American. Driving your electric car to a raw food restaurant and voting for Barack Obama--that makes you a hypocritical communist son of a bitch.

Communism. Communists. Liberals are communists. That's what FOX News is implying. And thats's what conservatives are saying. Because they're insane.

They'll let you know. "Obama's a comunist. Liberals are communists."

And here's their economic policy. "We need to reduce taxes on the rich. We're overtaxing them. And why? Because liberals are getting their way."

Here's more or less what they're saying. If someone takes home $800,000 a year and not $700,000, he'll use the extra $100,000 to create jobs. That's their main argument. When a rich guy pays less in taxes, he'll create jobs with his tax savings.

I guess we need to make sure he keeps that $100,000. Because if he drives two Bentleys instead of a Bentley and a Mercedes, that'll create a lot of jobs. Any time we see a home with two Bentleys in the garage, we should give the owner a Job Creator Award. To conservatives, that's a stimulus plan.

And if you suggest bringing someone down from two Bentleys to a Bentley and a Mercedes, they'll call that communism. To them, Obama is as far removed from capitalism as Kenya is from Hawaii.

What they're not mentioning is how back when Eisenhower and Nixon were president, the US taxed the wealthy more than it does now under "Premier Obama." You'll never see that on FOX News. Instead, they'll show Newt Gingrich telling you how the country has made a gradual shift to the left since Eisenhower, only few of us have noticed it. Newt is saying we've headed in that direction. But the numbers are pointing the other way.

And conservatives are listening to Newt--and not the numbers. If Obama were to suggest bringing back the Nixon Eisenhower era tax code, conservatives would probably go beyond calling him a communist. They'd act like he invented an entirely new form of communism. He took everything to the next level. "Karl Marx is a moderate compared to Obama. He wants to increase taxes n the rich. And he once said, 'I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.'"

"I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money." Obama said that. And liberals want to make that the opening of our national anthem. "I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money. Oh say can you see..."

I personally think we should put that on the back of our currency. The front should feature a picture of Obama. And under it: "I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money."

Do you hear that, Mr. Coroprate CEO. You've made enough money.

Here are our new tax rates: -5,000,000% of the first $1, 98% of the next $100,000, 99.9% of the next $100,000, and 100% of everything else.

I can't wait to spend the money that we're going to liberate from Donald Trump's balance sheet. I'm going to use it to buy a Che Guevara statue. And 1,000 pounds of weed--which will cost about $100 after we subsidize it. I'm going to put my statue on a dolly, roll it around a wealthy neighborhood in Texas, and use my megaphone to tell each and every person there, "You've made enough money!"

And that son of a bitch still isn't doing anything. He's been President for two years, and he still has yet to actually do a day's work. He spends most of his time on vacation--and when he's not on vacation, he's just in the White House eating hoagies and counting the money he's stolen from me.

Liberals want to change the American family into one with two lesbians, two and a half homosexual men, and a transsexual cat. They want to replace pork chops and potatoes with wheat-free bread and dairy-free cheese. They want to get rid of your favorite football team and watch a bunch of long-haired European sissies running around playing that abomination we call soccer (and they have the nerve to call football). They want to your local elementary school to give kids free marijuana---and force them to smoke it.

They live in a soulless world where morals and principles don't exist. They live in a godless world where the separation of church and state requires the government to promote atheism, blaspheme God, promote ahteism, and execute Christians. They live in a theoretical world where we somehow produce enough goods and services even if people don't work, and we remain safe from murderous Muslims by merely being nice to them and giving them what they want. They live in a fantasy world where they somehow know everything about everything even when they don't know anything about something. And they live in a hypocritical world where "environmentalists" fly around in private jets and "anti-capitalists" run multimillion dollar businesses. They live in an intolerant word where people who disagree about anything have to be at war with each other (except of course, for liberals and Muslims--two groups that, notwithstanding their differences, have banded together due to a common enemy: the United States).

They want to make marijuana legal, religion illegal, underage pornography legal and morals illegal, suicide bombs legal and guns illegal, and socialism legal and capitalism illegal. Their heroes include terrorists like Che Guevara, degenerates like Ted Kennedy, criminals like Malcolm X, and anti-American traitors like Jimmy Carter.

They put trees before human beings, criminals ahead of law abiding citizens, illegal immigrants in front of tax payers, and Muslims over Christians. They prefer blacks to whites, homosexuals and bisexuals to heterosexuals, techno (I don't even know what that is) to country music, and Will Ferrell (I don't even know who that is) to Don Rickles.

They chose a Kenyan spy and marijuana addict over an honest American war hero, and a a total lunatic over a respectable, principled, energetic woman --and it's only a matter of time before they choose some ridiculous liberal ideal over your life.

Liberals want to kill you and then spit on your grave.

Liberals are planning to get into their hybrids, follow the lead of the atheist-Islamic terrorist antichrist Barack Hussein Genghis O-Khan-a, and try to take over American churches as if they're 13th century Manchuria.

They want to control you. They want to be your puppet master. They're trying to bombard you with their liberal beliefs and ideologies through TV, movies, books, magazines, newspapers, and the internet, and change the laws of our land so that freedoms that conflict with their beliefs are illegal.

They want to make liberalism the only legal choice. They want to eliminate non-liberal ideas and beliefs from the media.

And they'll resort to anything in order to promote their cause.

Liberals manipulated the media in order to elect Barack Hussein "I Came, I Saw, I Pissed All Over the Founding Fathers" Obama--and even that is hardly anything compared to what they do and what they've been doing since well before we'd even heard of Obama.

Liberals control the media (including Conservapedia). It's tough to get anything through there without the liberal stamp of approval. In fact, any time something makes it through that doesn't meet the absurd liberal standards of fairness, appropriateness, and political correctness, people are pretty much shocked--and of course, millions of liberals let us know about it with their ridiculous complaints. (Like this one.)

And the liberal media is attempting to frame you of every crime committed in human history (especially if you're white), even though you've never done anything wrong in your life. You're a family man or woman. You work hard and pay your taxes or you run the house and raise the kids. You've never committed a crime in your life. You don't sag your pants, you don't drive some Japanese subcompact hybrid, and you wouldn't kick a soccer ball if someone paid you $1 million. You're a saint--but the liberals want everyone to think you shot JR.

And to make matters worse, liberals are trying to spend your money! Your money! Money that belongs to you! Money that you worked for! They want to spend it on their Che Guevara t-shirts, and their marijuana and marijuana accessories, and their U2 tickets, and their Abercrombie & Fitch communist outfits.

And they're even giving some of your money to a bunch of illegal immigrants they practically invited into the country. They rolled out a red carpet for Mexicans to come into this country, and now they're giving them the money you earned and saved!

Just picture some lowlife liberal asshole rolling around in a bunch of the money he stole from you. He doesn't respect the men on those bills. Men like Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson. Men who worked so hard to create a free and fair country that isn't overrun by gays, jazz musicians, and soccer players.

Those men created a utopia, you worked hard to earn the currency that honors them--and now some son of a bitch liberal named Aiden or Parker is using it on prostitutes, abortions, and drugs. He probably wants to turn your daughter into a prostitute. That son of a bitch is using your money to be the son of a bitch he is!

And who's that next to him? None other than Ramon Fernando Rigoberto Hernandez--the illegal immigrant who has paid a grand total of zero dollars in income taxes since he got here last decade! You've been paying his bills for ten years. Remember the hundred dollars you made on August 15, 2002? He used that money to rent a Mariachi band.

Wait. Let me just stop for a second to show you a Halliburton ad: "Halliburton is the greatest company in the world."

Halliburton isn't even paying me to show that ad. I just put it there because I support them. I support Halliburton as much as I support Jesus Christ himself. Whenever I save up any money, I send it to Halliburton's CEO. Because I want to be part of whatever they're doing. And because they hate liberals. All liberals are complete and total sons of bitches--and if it weren't for companies like Halliburton, they'd overtake the earth and turn it into one gigantic wind powered Northern Europe. Do you actually think wind is going to power the world? Good luck with that.

Illegal immigrants like Ramon are spending your money. And if you don't have a job in the first place, it's because Ramon stole it.

And he's standing in front of you in line at the post office. Ramon Fernando Rigoberto Hernandez is in your country, he has a pocket full of your cash, he has your job, and he's standing in front of you in line--and odds are that he's going to buy a money order and send it to his family in Mexico. That money isn't even going back into the American economy. His family's going to use it to buy an Uncle Sam pinata, and then bust it open with a bat that definitely wasn't made in America.

Nothing's made in America anymore. Why? Because sons of bitches like Aiden and Ramon are busy buying Hondas and Nintendo Wiis, and doing their best to ruin this country.

And don't forget about Barack Obama. He's like a billion Ramons and Aidens.

I'm actually not too pissed at Ramon. At least he's an honest, hardworking Christian family man. Ramon's a decent guy. (Although I don't know about that Tecate crap he drinks. And he needs to turn to Jesus, instead of following that Mexican knockoff Hey-Seuss.)

I'll bet he's close friends with that son of a bitch Aiden. They're probably smoking marijuana and playing video games together at this very moment. And after they finish their blunts and rescue the princess, they'll probably think of some reasons to complain and some ways to piss me off/

That's pretty much what liberals do. Thats's their job. They make ridiculous complaints and they piss off honest, hardworking, principled, tax-paying conservatives like me.

That's what makes them liberals. They're devoted to complaining about some total nonsense. They came up with the manmade global warming theory because they were running low on absurd reasons to complain. Al Gore spent thousands of dollars (that he stole from honest Americans) on that device he used to point at a chart showing the dramatic increase in his insanity levels.

Liberals have been caught falsifying data in order to support their global warming theories. They also made a fake fossil to support their theory of common descent. And they've produced plenty of nonsense studies and statistical analyses to convince us that smoking is unhealthy. (They're wrong.) Except for marijuana smoking--which they consider the world's perfect everything (as this liberal asshole demostrates.)

They'll resort to anything in order to promote their ideas, complain about nonsense, and annoy the hell out of you.

All liberals are con men.

And even if you buy into their global warming insanity, their crusade against it still doesn't make any sense. Encouraging people to drive hybrids completely ignores the reality of the situation. There's a factory in China that emits more greenhouse gasses than all of the world's gas powered vehicles combined. A hundred billion hybrid vehicles won't make a significant difference.

Not to mention the fact that releasing greenhouse gasses doesn't cause global warming. In fact, greenhouse gasses are good for the environment. They make it stronger. Because they let God know that we're doing something, and we're not a bunch of godless Matt Damonites and unemployment check collectors. God loves the smell of cars and factories emitting greenhouse gasses. Driving a full sized Buick or operating a factory is the modern day equivalent of sacrificing a goat.

Al Gore hates God. He's the most insane person in the world other than Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Matt Damon.

All liberals are insane. Sanity is not compatible with liberalism.

The Democratic National Convention should be in a room with padded walls. The entire city of San Francisco should have padded everything.

Barack Obama is the most insane son of a bitch in human history. And he's even more full of himself than Matt Damon. He's managed to surpass the infinity mark.. Infinity can't keep up with Barack Obama's conceit. Even Matt Damon can't believe it.

The typical liberal is like someone who thinks he belongs at the front of every line at the amusement park because he's wearing Abercrombie & Fitch pants. Matt Damon thinks he owns the amusement park. Barack Obama thinks the entire universe is Obamaland.

Barack Obama wants to kill Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, and especially Scrooge McDuck. He wants to kill capitalism. As do all other liberals.

"I do think at a certain point you've made enough money" Barack Hussein Obama

Barack Obama has a net worth of $5 million. He lives the lifestyle of a billionaire using taxpayer money. He spent $200 million on his inauguration.

And Nancy Pelosi spent $3,000 of our money on flowers over the course of several months. And another $3,000 on bottled water. Bottled water! What is she--a camel!? Did she spend a few months storing up a lifetime's worth of water? How the hell can a human being spend $3,000 on bottled water?! Is she showering with it? No. Because she showers in the blood of dead conservatives. And then she dries off with a Saudi Arabian flag.

Aside from Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Matt Damon, Nancy Pelosi is the most shameless person in the world.

Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi want to kill Scrooge McDuck, take his money, and spend it all on bottled water, flowers, and anything that'll make them feel like they live at Xanadu. Oh--and they also want to buy bombs for Muslim terrorists.