The Library: Revised and Condensed
Believe it or not, this book has something to do with a crime. What was the crime? Murder. Who committed it? Some guy named Raskolnikov. Whom did he murder? A pawn shop owner and her sister. Why did he murder them? So he could rob them. How did he murder them?
Boy—you’re asking a lot of questions. Let me ask you a question: Where were you on the night of the murders? What? You weren’t born yet? OK.
Well, moving on, the police suspected Raskolnikov of the murders, even though they didn’t have much evidence. Why did they suspect him? Because he fainted during a police interview. Why did he faint? Because he was nervous. Why was he being interviewed in the first place? Because they wanted to ask him questions on an unrelated matter.
But pretty soon, he became their lead suspect—especially since they came across an article of his stating that in some cases, certain people might have the right to commit crimes in order to attain special goals.
Anyways, as they continued to investigate the crime, someone died. Who? Well—I’ll give you a clue: it’s someone who has yet to be mentioned. Yup—that’s right. It was Raskolnikov’s friend Marmeladov.
Raskolnikov then became interested in his daughter Sonya—a prostitute who had been working to support her family.
And at the time, Raskolnikov’s sister Dunya was engaged to some guy she hated. Why was she engaged to someone she hated? I’m not sure—but probably because he had money. And in Raskolnikov’s view, she was marrying him knowing that he’d support both her and Raskolnikov himself—and in a way, she was making a sacrifice for her brother’s sake, similar to the sacrifice Dunya was making for her family by working as a prostitute. (Isn’t that pretty much the plot to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?)
Dunya, however, soon found her fiancée so intolerable that she broke up with him—but as soon as he was out of the picture, a sleazy guy named Svidrigailov began pursuing her. And yes—Svidrigailov is the same guy who ruined her reputation a while back by making up rumors that they had been having an affair.
But getting back to Raskolnikov, he paid a visit to Sonya’s apartment—and after privately theorizing that religion allowed her to deal with life as a prostitute, he asked her to read him the Bible story about the raising of Lazarus. She, however, decided to read the one about Jonah and the whale.
A while later, he went to her apartment again and confessed everything. And what do you think she did? Did she (a) run away with him to Mexico, (b) read him the Bible story about David’s collection of foreskin, or (c) show him understanding and urge him to confess? To vote for A, text “Mexico” to 453… Um, I mean, it was C.
Raskolnikov, however, wasn’t sure what to do, and left her apartment contemplating his next move.
Little did he and Sonya know that Svidrigailov had been eavesdropping on their conversation.
Svidrigailov later brought Dunya to his apartment, confronted her with the news, and told her he’d keep quiet about everything as long as she’d agree to marry him. She tried to leave, but he locked the door and blocked her path.
And what do you think she did? Did she (a) pull out a gun, (b) read him the Bible story about green eggs and ham, or (c) accept his marriage proposal and pee on his thigh? Believe it or not, she went with A. (Apparently, she’s not a big fan of Dr. Seuss.) She pulled a gun out of her pocket and pointed it at him—and after he dared her to pull the trigger, she fired and missed twice. He then gave her the chance to fire another shot (I would’ve been halfway across the world by then)—but she put the gun down, told him she just wasn’t that into him, and left.
Svidrigailov soon realized what a bastard he was, and shot himself the next morning.
And on that same day, Raskolnikov met with Sonya again, and then went to the police station and confessed.
Eight years in prison.