I believe in God the Father, his son Jesus, daughter Judy, and Jane his wife. Or, um… forget about the last two.
Jesus Christ, our Lord, was conceived by the Holy Ghost, and born of the Virgin Mary, on Christmas Day, 0 AD. Or is that 0 BC?
Either way, he came down to save our soles, and he gave mankind a brand new shoe. Um… wait a second. That doesn’t sound right. He came down to save our souls, and he gave us a brand new religion. Well, maybe not brand new—but let’s just say it was slightly used and recently upgraded.
Anyways, he was crucified by Pontius Pilate, only to rise from the dead and ascend to Heaven—and nowadays, he sits at the right hand of God the Father, and right behind some lady with a big hat who’s blocking his view.
And one day he shall come again, judge everyone, and, um… well—we’re not sure what he’s going to do after that. But odds are it’s going to be really religious.
I believe in the one and only Holy Catholic Church (and not those annoying door to door Mormons), the forgiveness of sins ($1,000 for the first sin, $500 for each additional sin), the Final Judgment (and don’t think you can just walk out without paying your tab), and the Judgment Finale (with special guest star Chuck Norris).
The Bible
The Qur’an
Teachings of Reality’s Only True Non-Existent God
The Apology of Socrates
Nietzsche: The Anti Tzschurch & The Nietzschruth