All rights reserved.
If you wish to reproduce part or all of this book, you must be deranged. But if you do, there are a few steps you’re going to have to follow. (Don’t blame me. This was all my lawyer’s idea)
1. Put 1.2 million Mexican pesos in a small black trash bag
2. Put 1.3 Columbian pesos in a large red trash bag
3. Forget everything you know about the Spanish-American War
4. Change your name to Napoleon Bonafart
5. Remember everything you forgot about the Spanish-American War
6. Do the hokey-pokey
7. Turn yourself around
8. Marry a Belgian man named Ernest and/or a Russian woman named Tamara
9. Rub your left thigh with Evian water and orange juice
10. Find a Jewish man named Christian
11. Convert him to Christianity
12. Bring back New Coke
13. Blow on all of my Nintendo cartridges
14. Peel three bananas using only your teeth
I will, however, let you reprint this entire book on vintage silly putty without having to pay me so much as a single cent.
01 02 Buckle My Shoe 03 04 05 5 4 3 2 1 ½ ¼ 0 -1 -2 -3
Crapper Colon Press
An Imprint of Simon & Shitter
An Imprint of McRaw-Sewage
An Imprint of Random Home, Specific Universe Publishers
An Imprint of Charles Scribner's Third Cousin Eight Times Removed
An Imprint of Crapper Colon Press
Located in a cardboard box somewhere in Madagascar
Library of CongressCataloging-in-Publication Data
Last Name, First Name, 19None of Your Business-
The Library: Revised and Condensed . Last Name, First Name
p.p. in the potty
Includes references, index, outdex, rolodex, and windex.
ISBN (pb&j)
1. Toilet Repair. 2. Ninja Fashion 3. Quantum McMuffins 4. Your Best Friend Is Sleeping With Your Wife 5. Left Slippers 6. Right Slippers 7. Change For a Twenty 8. Glow-in-the-Dark Solar Calculators 9. Solar Powered Hydroelectric Power 10. Fresh Squeezed Frozen Concentrated Orange Juice 11. Double Down 15. 16th Century Internet Companies 16. 17th Century Cracker Jack Prizes 21. Blackjack 22. Bust I. Title.
Printed on the foreskins of 25,000 Jewish boys named Herschel
Don’t mess with Texas