We finally got our own government—and now we intend to do things right. One Country, Thirteen Fifty States—we put everything to a vote, and here’s what we decided:
First of all, you can forget about all of that King and Queen bullshit—because we think we’ve come up with something better: the People’s bullshit.
All Legislative Powers shall be vested in a Congress consisting of a bunch of Old White Men Representatives and Senators periodically chosen by the Citizens. They shall vote on issues every once in a while, and spend the rest of their time prostituting themselves and cashing checks. They shall have the Power to tax the people, borrow money, pay debts, maintain a military, regulate international trade, decide who’s allowed in this country, print money, establish a postal service, make additions and deletions to this Constitution (let’s just hope they never give the negroes any rights), add new states to the Union, change the presets on our radio, and decide what toppings will go on our pizza. (Only the Senate can add extra cheese.)
The Executive Power shall be vested in a President who will be elected every four years. He _and definitely not she) will head the military, pardon offenses, make treaties, appoint people to high offices, and jerk us around every once in a while with a State of the Union Address.
Any time Congress agrees on a Proposed Law with a majority vote, it shall be passed on to the President, who will then be given the option of passing or rejecting it. Should he reject it, Congress will be given the option of rejecting his rejection with a two thirds vote. And should Congress reject his rejection, the matter shall be settled by an arm wrestling match between the President’s mistress and the second oldest Congressman’s wife.
Oh yeah. A person can’t be elected President more than two times. After all, we don’t want to listen to the same asshole year in and year out for the rest of our lives.
The Judicial Power shall be vested in one Supreme Court and many Inferior Courts that will interpret and apply our laws. Criminal Trials and high dollar Civil Trials will be decided by a Jury consisting of twelve random people who just want to go home and get on with their lives.
But Wait. There’s More.
Americans have the right to say shit, not say shit, shoot shit, drink shit, vote for shit (without paying shit), keep their shit private (most of the time), and keep soldiers out of their shit (most of the time).
If you’re accused of shit, the government can’t treat you like shit, or try you again after you’ve been acquitted of shit. And if you’re convicted of shit, the government’s only allowed to do so much shit to you.
If the government needs your shit, they have to pay you for it.
And they can never do shit to you unless they follow their own shitty laws.
Um... oh yeah. We thought about the whole slavery thing, and decided that that shit was wrong. ... Sorry. (And if you want shit for all the shit we forced you to do for free, you’re just shit out of luck.)
This Constitution outlines the powers delegated to the United States.
If it’s not in here, it’s up to the States and the People.
Amen
