There’s a bit more.
For starters, honor your mother and father. And yes—I really mean that. I don’t care if your parents are Joe Jackson and Joan Crawford—I want you to pretty much do whatever they tell you to do. (Unless, of course, they tell you to worship other gods—in which case you should choke them with wire hangers and/or throw stones at their heads.)
Let’s see... What’s next? Don’t work on my holy day. And when I say work, I mean anything and everything resembling work. No sewing, cooking, writing, shaving, channel changing, jar opening, toilet flushing, or time traveling.
I don’t even want you to stand up quickly, light fires, listen to “Light My Fire,” organize your wallet, hold in your burps, sing “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad,” or play Paperboy on Nintendo. (You can, however, charge interest and late payment penalties.)
And keep my other holy holidays. Blow into a ram’s horn on New Year’s Day, humble your soul on the Day of Atonement, watch the Ten Commandments during Passover (or Jingle All the Way if you’re a reform Jew), watch Gilligan’s Island during Sukkot, make a pilgrimage to Pico and Robertson on Columbus Day, add Gentile blood to all of your baked goods on Iron Day, and for God’s sake, don’t give gifts on Hanukkah like a bunch of pagans.
Don’t kill. (Unless, of course, there are a bunch of Canaanites minding their own business on your promised land. And that ever happens, I want you to kill, kill, and then kill some more.)
Don’t steal. (Unless, of course, you come across some Indians living on a new continent. Don’t even pay them $24 for Manhattan. Just take it.)
Don’t commit adultery. (Unless, of course, your spouse is going out of his/her way to piss you off.)
Don’t lie. (Unless, of course, you’re lying about the adultery you committed.)
And don’t covet your neighbor’s wife, home, land, slaves er, um servants, animals, Pokemon cards, toilet plungers, chest hair (unless you live next to Tom Selleck), mustache (unless you live next to Tom Selleck), license to kill, or limited edition Elvis yarmulke. (You can, however, covet his shikse mistress and his 4.37% APR fixed loan.)
OK. This next one is going to sound a little weird, but just keep in mind that what’s weird for you guys might be perfectly normal up here. Circumcise your males as a sign of our covenant.
Which brings us to our next rule: wear clear pants and underwear at all times. (I want you to remember our covenant as often as possible, and not just when you’re taking a piss).
And in order to complete the look, grow a really long mullet, a really light mustache, and, if possible, shave a Jewish star into your ankle hair.
Oh. And don’t cross dress. Men should dress like Clint Eastwood in The God, the Bad, and the Ugly, and women should dress like that robot on Small Wonder. Actually, women should wear wigs, and wigs on top of their wigs. On second thought, I want women to cover every square inch of their bodies with black cloth, leaving the smallest of holes for their eyes, and covering those holes with a layer of tinted plastic. (Reform Jews, however, don’t have to wear any underwear underneath.)
Don’t marry non-Jews. (I hate interfaith couples more than I hate interracial cows.)
Make the punishment fit the crime—as in an eye for an eye (unless the eye is glass), tooth for a tooth (unless the tooth is fake), and a tat for a tat (and not a tit for a tat).
Love your neighbor as yourself. (And by neighbor, I mean anyone who shares your religious and political views, and likes the movies, TV shows, and music that you like. Unless, of course you don’t like Barbra Streisand—in which case you should hate yourself and your neighbor.)
Don’t boil a goat in its mother’s milk. (I’m very serious about this one. In fact, just to be safe, let’s make it: “Don’t boil a goat in any other goat’s milk.” You know what? Just to be really safe, let’s make it: “Don’t eat any meat or dairy foods within six hours of each other.” You know what? Just to be really safe, avoid meat during odd numbered years, and dairy during even numbered years.)
Don’t have sex with animals. (Although, I’m not real strict about this one. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, doing an animal really isn’t that big of a deal. Provided, of course, that the animal has split cud and chews its hooves. Or is that “has split hooves and chews its cud?” Um… just don’t screw any pigs, dogs, or elephants. And if you’re going to have sex with animals, be careful not to draw any blood.)
And that pretty much wraps it up.