Who was the first guy to snort cocaine? Why would someone do that? Did he just start snorting things until he found the right one? “Snow? No. Pancakes? No. Honey? No. The Saturday Evening Post? Close--but not quite. Coca leaves? There we go. [Yelling out to his wife:] Honey! it's coca leaves. Yeah--I thought it would be pancakes, too. No--it's coca leaves.”
Thomas Edison later used a similar method to invent the practical lightbulb. He tried about a thousand substances--including pancakes--until he found the right one. Maybe Thomas Edison also invented coke snorting. But of course, he couldn't patent that idea. He wasn't interested in ideas he couldn't patent. So he probably didn't come up with the coke snorting thing. If something wasn't patentable, Edison didn't see the point to it.
The first guy to snort coke definitely didn’t need coke. Because if you're willing to snort substances until you find the one that’ll get you high, you're high enough as it is. Only someone high on coke would’ve done something like that. Although he couldn’t have been high on coke before becoming the first person to become high on coke. I guess there are turtles all the way down. Or, not turtles. An endless mountain of of coke.
Did you know that money contains trace amounts of cocaine? Money and cocaine trade hands so often that coke builds up on the bills. When you handle money, coke flies up into the air, and into your nose. I'm interested in this because I like counting my money. It's me and Donald Trump. We're into counting money. If you buy a building from Trump for $500 million, you have to pay him in cash. And he personally counts it. One bill at a time. He gets high on it. High on money and on coke.
If you count $1 million worth of cash, you'll end up snorting $3.15 worth of coke. I know. I've done the math. And I've done the coke. Actually, I've only done the math. Believe it or not, I'm drug free.
If you work at a bank, you want to quit, buy you just can't do it, now you know why. You're a coke addict. You've been snortng up traces of coke for five years. You can't quit now. That's why the banking industry has the highest employee retention rate in the world.
How much coke am I on right now? I don't know. I don't really get mine off of random bills. I do it the way it was meant to be done. I buy it from my cousin.
No--I don't use coke. I use imaginary coke. My coke is imaginary--but my cousin is real.
Did you know that 100 or 150 years ago, cocaine was a popular medical treatment? Giving someone cocaine back then made you a doctor, not a drug dealer.
If there are any Jewish mothers whose children sell coke, now they can put a positive spin on it. "What does your son do?" "Well, let's just say that 100 years ago, he would've been a doctor!" "Well what is he now?" "Well--let's just say he's a merchant."