Rodney Ohebsion

Bill Clinton’s 8/17/98 Grand Jury Testimony

Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: What’s so good about it? You might like sitting in a courtroom all day—but to me, a good afternoon involves three hours in a hotel room, two horny college girls, and one good time for Willie Jr.

Um. OK. Mr. President, do you understand that lying to us today is a big no-no?


OK-OK. I’m going to ask you some questions about your relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Well—I’d rather talk about my plan to reform the healthcare system.

Were you physically intimate with Miss Lewinsky?

Well—that depends on what you mean by the word “you.”

Um… did I hear you correctly? Are you asking me what I meant by the word “you”?

Well—that depends on what you mean by the word “hear.” If you mean “hear” as in, “Do you hear me knocking?,” then open the door. But if you mean “here” as in, “Here a cow, there a cow, everywhere a cow, cow,” then Old McDonald had a farm.

Once again, Mr. President. According to the facts, have you inserted your penis into over 3000 Miss Lewinskys? Yes or no?

Were you physically intimate with Miss Lewinsky?

The Capital of Pakistan is Islamabad.

What the hell does that have to do with anything?!

Are you saying the Capital of Pakistan isn’t Islamabad?

Were you physically intimate with Miss Lewinsky?

Yes and no. Miss Lewinsky and I did something. And that “something” was more than nothing. After all, the term “something” implies more than nothing. But of course, “something” could mean anything. I might’ve played ping pong with her. I might’ve painted her toenails. She might’ve sold me a used Toyota. Now, what we actually did is essentially a matter of opinion and interpretation. And the same thing can be said about anything that anybody does. You cannot state for a fact that someone did something.

You once stated that you did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky. What is your definition of “have sexual relations?”

The expression “have sexual relations” has 127 different meanings—most of which have absolutely nothing to do with sex or relations. For instance, it can mean “play pinochle.”

Many people consider oral sex to be covered by the term “sexual relations.”

It all depends on context. Same goes for the word bad. In certain contexts, it means good--as in, "That girl’s one bad mamajama.”

Miss Lewinsky once wrote you a card that said, and I quote, “I can’t wait till the next time we have sexual relations.” And then you wrote her back and said, "Absolutely. I'm looking foreward to having sexual relations with you, Miss Lewinsky, for the 73rd time."

There are thousands of Miss Lewinskys in the world, and I’ve only had sexual relations with a few of them. So even if I had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, I did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky in general.

We tracked down 4534 Miss Lewinsks from around the world, and got 3,826 of them to sign a sworn affidavit stating that you had sex with them.

Sex is a very vague word and concept. In many regions of the world, putting your erect penis into someone’s vagina is a completely nonsexual greeting between friends and acquaintances.

The fact is that you had vaginal intercourse with most of the world’s Miss Lewinskys, and then stated, under oath, that you did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewisnky.

Your analysis is way too one-sided. You’re focusing entirely on all the times I’ve had with Miss Lewinsky. But what about all the times I haven’t had sex with Miss Lewinsky? I've spent most of my life not having sex with Miss Lewinsky.