The Library: Revised and Condensed

Bill Clinton’s 8/17/98 Grand Jury Testimony

Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: What’s so good about it? You might like sitting in a courtroom all day—but to me, a good afternoon involves three hours in a hotel room, two horny college girls, and one good time for Willie Jr.

… OK. … Mr. President, do you understand that lying to us today is a big no-no?


OK-OK. I’m going to ask you some questions about your relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

Well—I’d rather talk about my plan to reform the healthcare system.

[Rolls his eyes] Mr. President, were you physically intimate with Miss Lewinsky?

Well… yes and no.

Would you care to elaborate?

Well… yes and no.

Let me rephrase that. Would you care to elaborate, or would rather spend the next five years in jail?

Look. Miss Lewinsky and I did something. And that “something” was more than nothing. After all, the term “something” implies more than nothing. But of course, “something” could mean anything. I might’ve played ping pong with her. I might’ve painted her toenails. She might’ve sold me a used Toyota. We might’ve studied 13th century Romanian poetry. But the point is, I’m trying to legally bullshit you.

Now, what we actually did is essentially a matter of opinion and interpretation. And the same thing can be said about anything that anybody does. For instance, some people think Bush benefited the country, while others think he turned it into a shithole. You cannot state for a fact that someone did something. And of course, words can be interpreted many ways. For instance, I’ve screwed women, I’ve screwed screws, I’ve screwed pieces of shit who had it coming to them, and I’ve screwed myself.

Now, I did in fact engage in some inappropriate contact with Miss Lewinsky. But when I denied having “sexual relations” with her, I was telling what I believed to be the truth, using my own interpretation of my various interactions with her, as well as my definition of the term “sexual relations.”

Would you please describe the inappropriate contact?

I’d prefer not to reveal such explicit details to the public.

Well—there are a few million perverts out there who’d prefer that you did —and you’re legally obligated to make them happy.

OK—fine. The inappropriate contact included but may or may not have been limited to what some people refer to as a “blowjob.” But the acts do not fit my definition of “sexual relations.”

And what is your definition of “sexual relations.”

Well, by my count, the expression “have sexual relations” has about three hundred and twenty five different meanings—most of which have absolutely nothing to do with sex or relations. For instance, it can mean “play pinochle,” “purchase binoculars,” or “drive a Hyundai.” And of those meanings that have to do with sex, most of them refer specifically to vaginal sex, and not any of the few hundred other acts that certain people sometimes categorize as sex.

But you had to realize that some people do in fact consider oral sex to be covered by the term “sexual relations.”

Yes. But my statement was covering what I considered to be the general term “sexual relations” in the context it was used. I mean, some people use the word “bad” to mean “good”—as in, “that girl’s one bad mamajama.” But generally speaking, I take and use the term “bad” to mean “bad,” as in “Bush was a bad president.” And likewise, when I was asked whether or not I had sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky, I took it to mean “sexual relations” in the “vaginal sex” or “Hyundai driving” sense, and not the “oral sex” or “cigar penetration” sense. Now, if Carl Carlton had been the one asking me the questions, I would have answered much differently.

But Miss Lewinsky once wrote you a card that said, and I quote, “I can’t wait ‘til the next time we have sexual relations.”

… Look. I was asked whether or not I had sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky. Now, there are thousands of Miss Lewinskys in the world, and I’ve only had sexual relations with a few of them—a mere 0.1 percent of the Miss Lewinsky population. So even if I had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, I was still technically telling the truth during my January 17th, 1998 deposition. Why? Because generally speaking, I did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky. Let me put it this way. If I helped one man in Africa, and you simply asked me whether or not I helped Africa, I would say, “No—I did not help Africa.” Why? Because I only helped one man in Africa, and not the entire continent. Likewise, I only had sex with some Miss Lewisnkys, and not Miss Lewinsky in general.

I figured you might say that. And that’s why I tracked down 4534 Miss Lewinsks from around the world, and got 3,826 of them to sign a sworn affidavit stating that you had sex with them.

… Look. Sex in general is a very vague word and concept, and what some people term “sex” is an act that is not necessarily sexual in nature. After all, in many regions of the world, putting your erect penis into someone’s vagina is a completely nonsexual greeting between friends and acquaintances. Now, some of the Miss Lewisnkys I supposedly had “sex” with might have interpreted the act as actual sex—but from my perspective, we were engaging in a nonsexual act that does not fall under the category of “sexual relations.”

… OK. If inserting your penis into another human being can in fact be a casual nonsexual greeting, how about I take you to my apartment and put my penis up your ass? Would you have any objections to that?

Hey—I said “penis into a vagina.” I never mentioned anything about an ass. Now, if you put a vagina in front of me, I’d be more than happy to greet it.

Look, asshole. I’m not going to debate whether putting a penis into a vagina is sex. The fact is that you had vaginal intercourse with most of the world’s Miss Lewinskys, and then stated, under oath, that you did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewisnky.

… I think the problem here is that your analysis is way too one-sided. You’re focusing entirely on all the times I’ve had with Miss Lewinsky. But what about all the times I haven’t had sex with Miss Lewinsky? Over the course of my life, I haven’t had sex with Miss Lewinsky an infinite number of times, and I’ve had sex with Miss Lewinsky a finite number of times. So in a sense, I spent virtually all of my life not having sex with Miss Lewinsky.

No one asked you whether you spent your life having sex with Miss Lewinsky. We simply want to know whether you’ve ever had sex with her. And I think it’s perfectly clear that the answer is “yes”.

Well, if you look at everything from a hyperfactual standpoint, it might appear as if I had sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky. But what about the non-facts? There are a finite number of facts, but an infinite number of non-facts. If you want to understand reality as a whole, you can’t simply stick to the facts. And when I said I did not have sexual relations with Miss Lewinsky, I meant from the perspective of reality as a whole, and not just the facts.

Well, suppose, for some strange reason, that this court wants to deal in just facts. Now then— I’m going to make this really simple. According to the facts, have you inserted your penis into over 3000 Miss Lewinskys? Yes or no?

Well—that depends on what you mean by the word “the.”

Um… did I hear you correctly? Are you asking me what I meant by the word “the”?

Well—that depends.

On what?

On what you mean by the word “hear.” If you mean “hear” as in, “Do you hear me knocking?,” then open the door. But if you mean “here” as in, “Here a cow, there a cow, everywhere a cow, cow,” then Old McDonald had a farm. And I just want to let Old McDonald know that as long as I’m in office, we’ll make sure that he’ll continue to have a farm, as well as Medicare and Social Security payments.

Once again, Mr. President. According to the facts, have you inserted your penis into over 3000 Miss Lewinskys? Yes or no?

The Capital of Pakistan is Islamabad.

What the hell does that have to do with anything?!

Are you saying the Capital of Pakistan isn’t Islamabad?

I’m saying I don’t give a shit about the Capital of Islamabad.

Oh. So you don’t give a shit about countries other than your own?

… A liar says what?

I know. That’s why you said it.

Said what?


A liar says something or nothing.

A liar says “a liar says something or nothing.”

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