Rodney Ohebsion

Celebrities

Kim Kardashian gets pissed off when she sees a letter K that has nothing to do with her. She thinks, "What the hell is going on here? People are using the letter K, and they're not referring to me. I'm Kim Kardashian. I have 20 million Twitter followers. This is ridiculous. K. Kim Kardashian. More Ks should have to do with me." Then she calls up her publicist. "You know what's going on, right? The Ks. There are Kim Kardahsiannless Ks everywhere. 95.4% of Ks have nothing to do with me. You better bring that figure down to 87.3%. Otherwise you're fired." That's a conversation she has a lot with her publicicst. And the publicist thinks, "OH great. Kim's getting into the whole K thing again."

Kim Kardashian isn't getting enough attention. That's the subject of an emergency meeting between her team. Her publicist, agent, manager, etc. "We got a problem here. Kim's upset. She's not getting enough attention. What should we do?" Odds are they're talking about that right now.

What does it feel like to work for Kim Kardahsian full time as one of her assistants? "I have to focus on what Kim wants or needs. It's very important. There's definitely some money in it." When money's involved, all of a sudden something's very important. "This is very important. It's very important." What's important? That Kim Kardashian wants a low carb twinkie? That's important? "Kim Kardahsian wants this. She wants that. She wants a Vera Wang dress. There's only one in existence. I have to get it for her. It's very important."

It's very important. So they get Kim the dress. And then people see her in it. And it starts a Vera Wang trend.

People love to listen to celebrities and follow them. "Look! A celebrity. Let's do what he's doing! Ashton Kutcher. He's an actor. He's famous. Ashton Kutcher's voting for Smith. Let's vote for Smith. And he's drinking Bacardi. Let's drink Bacardi. What's he doing now? He's slitting his throat. Let's slit our throats. Wait. What brand of knife is he using? We need to know what brand of knife he's using. We wouldn;t want to slit our throats with the wrong brand of knife."

And there you go. A celebrity says jump, and a bunch of people respond, "What brand?"

Celebrities are really influential. They do something, and the rest of the world follows. I’m not so sure I get that. Of all the people we could follow, why would we choose a celebrity? Following a celebrity is like making a random crackhead your electrician. “Are you going to find an electrician in the phonebook? Or on the internet?” “No--I'll go to a crackhouse. I'm sure there are plenty of good electricians there.” Hollywood is a crackhouse. Why are celebrities so influential?

Half of the things we do became popular because of a celebrity. And celebrities themselves are usually following some celebrity trend, and/or they’re doing something for the sake of fame and money.

Sometimes they're just endorsing a product. They're getting paid to say, "Buy this." What could be more ridiculous than a celebrity endorsement? Ford paid someone $5 million to endorse a car, and now he's urging people to buy it. Because GM only put in a $4 million bid.

Imagine if history were decided by something like that. As in, back in Ancient Greece, some farmer told his assistant, “OK. Let’s grow potatoes instead of wheat.” “Why potatoes?” “Well, because Socrates is in all those potato commercials. He might know that he knows nothing, but he knows a lot about farming.”

They didn't grow potatoes because of a Socrates commercial. They grew potatoes to survive. Did they grow potatoes? I don't know. Whatever they grew, it had nothing to do with a celebrity endorsement.

Celebrities are unbelievably powerful. And Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful person in the world. She has too much power. It's un American. I mean, what ever happened to checks and balances? Maybe we should pass an amendment that limits her power.

And it's not just her telling us what to do. She's so powerful that she can just point at someone, and then we'll do what that person says. "Dr. Phil wants us to do this. Dr. Oz wants us to do that." "OK."

Oprah could take a random crackhead on the street and turn him into a celebrity doctor. "It's Doctor Crack. Dr. Crack wants us to scratch ourselves. OK. Let's do it." (By the way, Oprah--if you use that idea, I want an Executive Producer credit. I'm an Executive Producer of the Dr. Crack Show.)

Oprah's so powerful that she chose our president in 2008. It was her choice. That's how things work nowadays. Well, everyone else kind of has a say, too--but it's like Oprah has 200 electoral votes. So if you can get Oprah, California, and Florida, you've got it made.

Can you imagine some old time presidential candidate trying to get the Oprah vote? Imagine Lincoln's campaign manager saying something like, "OK. This is how we're going to win. We need to go for good old fashioned American values. Let the people know what kind of a man you are and what you stand for. And, we need to buy Oprah a closet full of purses and shoes."

I'll bet Obama did something like that. He spent $800 million on his campaign. I'll bet half of it went to Oprah's purse and shoe collection. That's what it takes to become President nowadays. You want to be President, you have to be a celebrity. You want to be a celebrity, you have to get the Oprah endorsement. You want to get the Oprah endorsement, you have to buy her some shoes.

That has to do with Oprah's belief system. She thinks that if she doesn't get a steady supply of shoes and purses, her soul will vanish.

There's a good chance Mitt ROmney's campaign manager is actually a shoe shopper. Because Mitt is a good politician. He knows what it takes to get elected.

But anyways, Oprah chose Barack Obama. When she gave him her endorsement, he was a longshot candidate. But she just pointed at him, called him Dr. Obama, and that was it. He went from nobody, to celebrity, to President.

Even Obama couldn't believe he won. He thought he was just setting up a run in 2012 or 2016. [Obama:] "What? I won? What do you mean I won?" [Assistant:] "Sir--you won the election. You're President." [Obama:] "Get out of here." [Assistant:] "Sir--what's your first order of business?" [Obama:] "Let's send Oprah a gift basket. And a jet. Filled with shoes."

I'll bet even Oprah couldn't believe it. Even she was surprised that she decided a Presidential Election. She didn't actually expect Obama to win.

Here's what I think happened. She was at some sort of a gathering of the world's wealthiest and most powerful people. It was her, George Soros, Bill Gates, etc. And she was piss drunk, and bragging to everyone. "I can do anything. Anything at all. I'm the most powerful person in the world. You guys are nothing compared to me. I can turn a crack addict into a celebrity doctor. I did it with Dr. Crack. And Dr. Phil."

And she got into it with Bill Gates. And Bill showed his stats. "Look at how many Windows users I have." And Opah said, "You can't even get people to go to your search engine. I guess you're not that powerful. I'm powerful. Me. Oprah WInfrey. I'm so powerful, I can choose our President." And Bill said, "I'll bet you can't." And Oprah shot back, "I'll bet I can. Just choose anyone in the top 10. I'll get that person to win."

So Bill Gates pulled out his laptop, and he came across Barack Obama. "Barack Hussein Obama. OK. Good. His Godfather was a communist. And his spiritual advisor is an anti-American segregationist."

And at that point, Bill was sold. "OK. I've got all three bases. I can tie him to Islam, racism, and communism." He thought it was a sure thing.

Then the next morning, Oprah got up. "Oh--did I make a bet with Bill Gates yesterday? What the hell was I thinking?" She was going to call him and try to get out of it. But then he called her up and said, "Good luck getting Hussein Obama elected."

He pissed Oprah off. Let that be a lesson. Don't piss Oprah off. Bill Gates better watch out. If he crosses that line again, Oprah might destroy his entire computer empire. [Oprah:] "Ladies and gentleman. Say hello to your new operating system. Dr. Linux!"

So Oprah went ahead and got Obama elected. [Oprah:] "Ladies and gentleman. Say hello to your next President. Dr. Obama!"

And I'll bet the second Obama won, Oprah was in a room by herself, looking at her hands and thinking, "Oh my God! I can get anyone to do anything!"

Well, she can get anyone to do anything, but she can't get her boyfriend to propose. So ladies--let that be a lesson to you.

Any time Oprah says she likes something, people throw a parade. [People singing:] "Oprah likes pancakes / Oprah likes pancakes."

Even those parents who are obsessed with their kids and almost everything they do--even they don't go that far. [Mother:] "Oh--Johnny likes pancakes? ... I don't care. I'm trying to watch Oprah. ... Oh--Oprah likes pancakes. Hey. Let's throw a parade."

Oprah can get at least 5 million people to do anything. If Oprah were to start drinking her own pee, how many people would drink their pee? Or would they drink Oprah's pee? They'd probably drink Oprah's pee. "If Oprah likes Oprah's pee, it must be amazing."

Oprah Winfrey could build an entire multi-billion dollar industry around her pee. I'm convinced. I'm sure. "Oh. Oprah just took a piss. Let's throw a parade."

Oprah can sell $1 bllion worth of pee every month--amd Wayne Brady can't even get a show aside from The New Let's Make a Deal. He can sing, he can dance, he can act, he can host this, he's a comedian--and hardly anyone cares. Oprah has pee? "Throw a parade." I think her pee needs a spinoff show. Actually, make that a cable network.

I wonder how Wayne Brady feels when he's at home, and he gets a call from his agent. "Sorry, Wayne. It's not gonna happen. NBC passed." Then he's sitting around flipping through the channels, and he sees Oprah on 20/20, talking about the most ridiculous topic imaginable--something she's done a hundred times before. And then he sees a commerical for Oprah's pee. "It's the ultimate tonic for you and me / Crack open a bottle of Oprah's pee."

Yeah--that would be the end of Wayne Brady. The police report would say: "Cause of death: hari kari suicide while watching a commercial for Oprah's pee." That's probably the 3rd leading cause of death among entertainers.

I don't get how people think the Jews secretly control everything. I mean, Oprah's controlling the world out in the open. You don't have to bother with conspiracy theories. Just turn on your TV. It's right there. Every day. Dr. Phil. Dr. Oz. Dr. Crack. Dr. Obama. The Dr. Obama Show is just a spinoff of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

And Oprah's handing out doctorate degrees. "You have a degree from Harvard? That's nothing. I have a degree from Oprah. The U of O."

Oprah controls everything. Even Donald Rumsfeld. Yeah--he's head of the New World Order. But he drinks Oprah's pee, just like everyone else.

So yeah--I don't think Jews control everything. Unless you think Oprah's Jewish.

I wonder what it must feel like to be a celebrity. Like Al Pacino. He's Al Pacino every day. It's not like he can just take a day off. Everywhere he goes people go crazy. "Hey--Al Pacino." "It's Al Pacino." "Whoa! It's Al Pacino."

Just seeing someone like that is a big deal. Why? It's just human nature. We have to have celebrities. So he's Al Pacino. He's running around as Al Pacino. Wherever he goes, the spotlight is on him. That shapes almost everything he does.

It's like he lives in a mental ayslum. Everyone around him is crazy. Everywhere he goes, it’s Al Pacino this and Al Pacino that. He lives in a world of people that ar eobsessed with him.

All celebrities live in mental asylums. The bigger the celebrity, the crazier the people.

To someone like Al Pacino, an actual mental asylum is saner than the rest of the world. An insane asylum itself is the only place where people aren't obsessed with him. If Al Pacino wants a break from his lunatic world where everyone's talking about him, he should go to a mental asylum. Because over there, even if they recognize him, they don’t really care. Do you think some guy there is going to make a big deal about seeing Al Pacino? He's a thousand times more likely to go, "Oh my gosh--we're having chimichangas for lunch!" He's more likely to make a big deal about some other person at the mental institute. He'll look at Al Pacino and say, "Hey--it's that guy from Scarface.." And then he'll see someone else and say, "And there's that guy I played ping pong with." He's more likely to get an autograph from the ping pong opponent. "And then if I have time, maybe I'll get Scarface's autograph. Right after I stick a shoe up my ass."

What would happen if Al Pacino were put in a situation like that? Would he get jealous? "Wait a second. Why is he getting that guy's autograph? He's not Al Pacino. I'm Al Pacino. What the hell's going on here? Is that guy even a celebrity? No--he's not a celebrity. He's in a mental institute."

Al Pacino might end up going insane due to something like that. Although maybe he's not Al Pacino. Maybe he's some guy in a mental institute who thinks he's Al Pacino.

What the hell am I talking about? I should probably point out that I'm currently in a mental institute. I'm definitely not Al Pacino, though. Unless I’m an insane Al Pacino who thinks he’s not Al Pacino.

I hope Trump becomes President. I'd find that entertaining. Donald Trump, President of the United States. Just imagine that. He'll change the country's name to "The Super Premium Luxury United States of America." We'll go from a four star country to a five star country. Because Trump will bribe someone.

And he'll turn his presidency into a reality show, and try to trademark the concept of a veto.

Trump will be the first President in history not be satisfied with the camera time he's getting. He'll issue an executive order to bring in more cameras. His Vice President will be a cameraman who follows him around all day. As for his cabinet, it'll consist of former winners of his beauty pagent. The previous year's winner will be his Secretary of State.

And of course, there will be some sort of scandal. He'll get caught on purpose--just to get more attention. "Did you have sex with that woman?" "Yes. Absolutely. And not just that woman. I have a list of all the women I've slept with since my inauguration. I'll have my assitant email it to you. By the way--my assitant's on the list."

He's the only world leader in human history who'll get impeached just for the sake of getting extra attention. He'll think, "You know what? This isn't quite doing it for me. They're talking about me everyday--but they're not focusing in on me. I need to get impeached."

What I want to know is, who's going to pay for his hair stlying if he becomes President? If we have to pay, then Trump might not get my vote. The government already spends too much as it is. I don't think we need to add another $100 million for something like that.

What was it like for Paris Hilton when the world cancelled her line of whatever she was selling? Society was basically calling her old news. One day, all stores were rushing to carry her brnd. Companies were in a hurry to put her name on everything. And then the next day, they were busy erasing her name from everything. And Paris said, "Does anyone want my brand? Remember me? Paris?" She ended up selling her purses and clothes at the local flea market.