Kim Kardashian is one of the most famous people ever. But sometimes she gets upset that she's not even more famous.
Sometimes she calls up her publicist and complains. "Jay Leno just did an antire monologue without saying anything about me. He talked about how some company went bankrupt because of missing money. But he didn't use that as an oppostunity to do a joke about me. He could've said something like, 'Johnson Indsutries declared bankruptcy today, two weeks after it was discovered that they were missing $5 billion worth of assetts. When the company's accountants were asked what happened, they said they didn't notice any money was missing. That was their excuse. If you're an accountant and you spend all day chekcing for money, how do you not notice a figure as big $5 billion? That would be like a black man watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and not noticing Kim Kardashian's ass.' But Jay didn't say that. Instead, he said, 'How can an accountant claim he didn't notice a figure as big as $5 billion? That would be like Charlie Sheen getting arrested, and telling the police that he didn't notice the pile of cocaine and hookers in his hotel room.'
"Why would Jay Leno talk about Charlie Sheen when he can talk about my butt? There are so many current events that can be related to my butt. Jay could've done the joke about my butt. It was right there. That joke was right there. That should've been the first thing that entered his mind. After all, I have a big butt, and a company went bankrupt because of missing money. There's a joke there. But when Jay was working on his monolgue, he thought, 'Let's not use that as an opprotunity to mention Kim Kardashian. Let's take this topic and do somethinn else with it. The hell with Kim Kardashian. I don't care how big her butt is. I'm going to do a joke about Charlie Sheen.'"
Kim also gets mad when she sees a letter K that has nothing to do with her. And of course, she calls up her publicist. "You know what's going on, right? The Ks. There are Kim Kardashianless Ks everywhere. Krispy Kreme, KFC, kangaroo. All of those Ks are not about me. And sometimes people sneak those Ks into the middle of a world. Like background, or backgammon. Do they think I'm not going to notice that? " And the publicist thinks, "Oh great. Kim's getting into the whole K thing again." And she comforts Kim by telling her, "Instead of thinking about those Ks, Just think about this: for every one Kim Kardashianless K, there are thousands of Barackless Bs and Obamaless Os. Obama is nothing compare to you. You have more fame in your left butt than Obama has in his entire body.
I think Kim really is more famous than Obama Kim's so famous, that she somehow made every member of her family famous.
Barack Obama has three half siblings, and hardly anyone even knows who they are. Kim Kardashian has three siblings, two half-siblings, and four step-siblings--and 50 million teens and preteens know everything about them. America is way more into the Kardashians than the Obamas. And every morning, all students recite this pledge of allegiance at school: "I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Rob, Kendall, Kylie, Cassandra, Burton, Brandon, Brody, and justice for all. New episodes on Sundays, at 9 o'clock, 8 central. Only on E!"
Even if you're Kim's second cousin, there's a TV network out there that'll give you a show. And every time Paris Hilton watches one of those shows, she thinks, "Unbelievable. Billy Bob Kardashian's on TV, and I'm not." Sometimes Paris calls up her publicist snd says something like, "This is bullshit! When I Google 'Paris,' I'm not even in the top 50. All of the results are about some stupid city in France. And to make matters worse, I'm less famous than Billy Bob Kardashian!"
And there you go. A celebrity says jump, and a bunch of people respond, "What brand?"
We follow celebrities as if they're part of a secret society, and they have access to secret information. "Celebrities know what we should wear, what we should drive, what foods taste good, and of course, what diets work. They get together and share that secret wisdom with each other. So if Jennifer Anniston's talking about dieting, we should act like she's Einstein talking about physics."
Do you know what really happens when celebrities get together? They don't have a Skull and Bones meeting where they share Da Vinci's dieting secrets. Here's what they do. They snort cocaine. That's the secret of their society. Dried, powdered coca leaves. Up their noses. That's it.
Celebrities are unbelievably powerful. And Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful person in the world.
And it's not just her telling us what to do. Oprah's so powerful, that she can just point at someone, and then we'll do what that person says. Like Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.
Oprah could take a random drug addict on the street, and turn him into a celebrity. "It's the Dr. Crack Show. Feautring the world's favorite crack afficianado, 'Dr.' Tony 'Crack' Ferguson. On today's episode, Dr. Crack shows us 100 semi-legal ways to get some quick cash." (By the way, Oprah--if you use that idea, I want an Executive Producer credit.)
Oprah's so powerful that she pretty much chooses our president. Everyone else kind of has a say, too--but it's like Oprah has 200 electoral votes. I'm just waiting for the day CNN will analyze things that way. "For Johnson to win the election, he's going to really need to get Florida, Ohio, and Oprah."
Any time a campaign manager consults with a candidate, he says something like, "OK--these are out two keys to victory. One, we need to emphasize the economy. And two, we need to buy Oprah a truckload of purses and shoes."
If we want the checks and balances system to work, we need to pass an amendment that limits Oprah's power. But that'll never happen. Our Senators are afraid to cross her. "If I vote yes on that amendment, Oprah will cancel my seat in Congress. And my life."
In 2007, Oprah put a spotlight on a longshot candidate and said, "Ladies and gentleman. Say hello to your next President... Dr. Obama!" Obama was a 0-time mayor, 0-time governor, 0-time Representative, and 1st time Senator. When he ran for President, he thought he was just setting up a future run in 2012 or 2016. Little did he know that he would actually win in 2008. [Obama:] "What? I won? What do you mean I won?" [Assistant:] "Sir--you won the election. You're President." [Obama:] "Bullshit. Where's Ashton Kutcher?" [Assistant:] "There's no Ashton Kutcher. You're President of the United States. What's your first order of business?" [Obama:] "Let's send Oprah a gift basket. And a jet. Filled with purses and shoes."
Even Oprah was surprised that she decided a Presidential election.
And the second Obama won, Oprah was in a room by herself, looking at her hands and thinking, "I can get anyone to do anything!"
Well, there's actually one exception to that. She can't get her boyfriend to propose. So ladies--let that be a lesson to you.When Oprah's show debuted, one network exectuve said, What is this garbage? No way in thell this is going to go anywhere. It''l be cancelled in one week Some black womena running her mouth about who knows what He actually said that to Oprah. And nowadays, Oprah cals him every day and says, "One week, motherfucker? Oprah could've kiled that person by now. She as that option. No. I want to make that phone call every day. Whether Obama's a Mulsim Obama mesedup once. HeThey asked him Are you Muslim They asked him that a lot ANd he said, Oh fource not. I worhisp Oprah. Um.. I mean, I;m a Christian
Why is it that any time Oprah says she likes something, people throw a parade? [People singing:] "Oprah likes pancakes / Oprah likes pancakes."
You know those parents who are obsessed with their kids and almost everything they do? Even they don't go that far. [Mother:] "Oh--Johnny likes pancakes? ... I don't care. I'm trying to watch Oprah. ... Oh--Oprah likes pancakes. Let's throw a parade. 'Oprah likes pancakes / Oprah likes pancakes.'"
Oprah can get at least 5 million people to do anything. If Oprah were to start drinking her own pee, how many people would drink their pee? Or would they drink Oprah's pee? They'd probably drink Oprah's pee. "If Oprah likes Oprah's pee, it must be amazing." They'd regard it an an essential nutrient. "I get 1000 milligrams of calcium a day, and 4 micrograms of Oprah's pee. I wish I could get more of her pee--but there's only so much to go around." Evne the government woudl put Oprah's pee on the food pyramid. "Three servings of vegetables, two servings of fruit, and one serving of Oprah's pee." Because once again, the governmentWe'd start drinking Oprah's pee as if it were
Oprah Winfrey could build an entire multi-million dollar industry around her pee. "Oh. Oprah just took a piss. Let's throw a parade. And let's make sure she drinks more liquids."
Meanwhile, there are a lot of amazing entertainers out there who can hardly even get any type of work. Like Wayne Brady. He can sing, dance, act, and do comedy--and hardly anyone cares. Oprah has pee? "Throw a parade." I think Oprah's pee needs a spinoff show. Actually, make that a cable network.
I wonder how Wayne Brady feels when he's at home, and he gets a call from his agent with news like, "Sorry, Wayne. NBC's not interested in your sitcom idea. Paramount doesn't want to do your movie. No production company wants to put on your play." Then he's sitting around flipping through the channels, and he sees Oprah on 20/20. And then he sees a commercial. "It's the ultimate tonic for you and me / Crack open a bottle of Oprah's pee."
That would be the end of Wayne Brady. The police report would say: "Cause of death: hari kari suicide while watching a commercial for Oprah's pee." That's the 3rd leading cause of death among entertainers.
I wonder what it feels like to be as famous as Oprah. Everywhere she goes, people see her and make a big deal about it. To her, the world is like a mental ayslum where everyone has the same disorder: an obsession with Oprah. And to her, there's only one place where people don't have that disorder: an actual mental asylum. Eveerywhere else on the planet, she hears, "It's Oprah!" "There's Oprah!" "Wow--it's Oprah!" But in a mental asylum, even if someone recognizes her, he won't make a big deal about it. He's a thousand times more likely to go, "Oh my gosh--we're having chimichangas for lunch!" He's more likely to make a big deal about some other person at the mental asylum. He'll look at Oprah and say, "Hey--it's that woman who recommends horseshit books on TV." And then he'll see someone else and say, "And there's that guy I played ping pong with! I should get his autograph."
What would happen if Oprah were put in that kind of a situation? "Wait a second. Why is someone getting that guy's autograph? That guy isn't Oprah. I'm Oprah. "
Oprah might end up going insane due to something like that. Although maybe she's not Oprah. Maybe she's some woman in a mental asylum who thinks she's Oprah.
There are some celebrities who definitely belong in a mental asylum. Like Donald Trump. If he weren't rich, do you actually think we'd let him run around out in society? Of course not.
Donald Trump is famous for promoting his brand and putting his name on buildings.
When he was six years old, his mother used to pack him lunch for school. And she wrote his name on the bag. "Donald." In ballpoint pen. He'd take it to school and put it among all the other lunches. Then one day he came home and said, "You know what, mom? There are two Donalds in our class. And our lunch bags might get mixed up. The other Donald might eat my lunch. How about you write 'Donald T' on it instead?"
So she wrote Donald T. Then a few days later, he said to her, "What if some other Donald T. joins my class? Let's just put Donald Trump on my lunch bag. Or better yet, Trump. Just Trump. This is Trump's lunch. Let's write in marker. Gold letters. We'll use a full size grcery bag. We'll let everyone know. This is Trump's lunch. Trump. You know what? I'll write it myself. We're building a brand here, mom." And she said, "OK. Fine." And she thought, "My son seems like a lunatic. But whatever."
So Donald wrote the name Trump on his full sized grocery lunch bag. He got to school early, so he could get prime location for his lunch bag--right in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. "Trump's lunch. Everyone needs to know. Trump."
And all the kids knew. Trump. Trump's lunch.
And then one day, Donald brought two lunches to school. And Tommy asked him about it. "Hey Donald. What's going on? Why'd you bring two lunches?"
And Trump said, "Tommy, I'm glad you asked. Those are super premium, luxury, first class Trump brand lunches. Look inside. That's the best peanut butter sandwich on the face of the planet. Those peanuts are imported from Italy. And we use whole wheat bread from Ecuador. Do you know how hard it is to get this bread? Do you know what went into this? Do you, Tommy? Look at that grape juice. It's a vintage year. 1952. Drinking anything else is an insult to grapes, it's an insult to your mouth. It's garbage, Tommy." And he gave Tommy a Trump lunch, in exchange for Tommy's lunch, toy, and milk money.
And the next day, Trump brought three lunches. And he said, "Hey Stephanie. Come here. Did you hear about Tommy?" And he sold her one, too.
Pretty soon, it was four lunches, five, six, seven.
And years later, he looked at buildings and thought, "Why not put my name on a freaking building? l'll make a fortune."
Like Kim Kardashian, Trump needs a lot of attention. He has to have it. I think we should ignore him one day just to see what happens.
He'll be walking around. And he'll think, "Wait a second. What the hell's going on here? I'm Donald Trump. Look at me. Look at my suit. Look at my facial expression. Look at my wife. No one's looking at me. It's me. Donald Trump. Billionaire. Star of The Apprentice. Donald Trump. Look at me."
Then he'll start to do handstands. He'll start juggling. "Look at me. Someone look at me."
At some point he won't be able to take it anynmore. He'll pull out a gun and shoot someone. "You're not going to ignore me anymore." They'll take him into the police station and interrogate him. "Do you want to confess?" And he'll say, "Yeah. Yeah. I did it. I shot him. But let me just say this. I shot him with a Trump bullet. Trump. You haven't shot a bullet until you've shot a Trump bullet."
I hope Trump becomes President. I'd find that entertaining. Donald Trump, President of the United States.
As President, he'll change the country's name to "The Super Premium Luxury United States of Trump Hotel, Casino, and Country." His presidency will become a reality show on C-SPAN. Only they'll change the channel's name to T-SPAN. Trump. You're going to love the episode where Trump tries to trademark the concept of a veto.
Trump will be the first President in history to not be satisfied with the camera time he's getting. He'll issue an executive order to bring in more cameras. His Vice President will be a cameraman who follows him around all day. As for his cabinet, it'll consist of former winners of the Miss Universe beauty pageant.
What about his State of the Union Addresses? Five minutes into one, he'll say, "OK. Enough about the Union. Let's talk about me. The State of Trump. Yesterday, I ate a pound of caviar, I made $100 million..."
And of course, he'll be involved in some sort of scandal. He'll get caught on purpose--just to get more attention. "Did you have sex with that woman?" [Trump:] "Yes. Absolutely. And not just that woman. I have a list of all the women I've slept with since my inauguration. I'll have my assistant email it to you. By the way--my assistant's on the list."
And we'll have to add a new item to our federal budget. Trump's hair styling: $100 million.
One thing I've learned from Trump is that you have to let people know how busy and important you are, and how well things are going.
Trump is always the first to let people know how succesful his new building is. "All of the condos were pretty much sold before the first brick had been laid. Before I bought the land. Before I even thought of the project. There might be one unit left. My next 35 projects are all pretty much sold, too. You might be able to buy a condo in the 36th one. The building's hot. It's a hot commodity. I don't know where it's going to be, I don't know what it's going to look like. But it doesn't matter. I'm Trump. Everyone wants a piece of this action."
My goal is to sell Trump a condo in the Ohebsion Tower. I'm going to beat Trump at his own game. He hypes up his condos. But I'm going to sell him a nonexistent condo. Just to let him know I'm his master.
I know how to manipulate Trump. Just put a microphone, mirror, and Greatest Person in the Universe award in front of him. If you do that, you'll own his soul. He'll follow those things anywhere. Even off of a cliff.
If you use the internet, you probably use it to do a lot of research. "I need to know this. It's very important. I need to know more. I'm going to get to the bottom of this." And every once in a while, you might go through your browsing history, and take a look at how you decided to spend your time online. You look back and think, "Wait a second. I spent 45 minutes researching Kim Kardashian?"
That's what a big chunk of the internet comes down to: information about Kim Kardashian, Oprah Winfrey, Donald Trump. Or in a lot of cases, it's some moderately popular 1980s celebrity, like Scott Baio.
No one knows why. You're on the internet, and somehow, you think, "I need to know more about Scott Baio. Much more. What movies and shows has he been in, what diet is he on, who is he dating, does he keep in contact with Ron Howard?"
That's what people end up doing. Somehow or another that's what happens
You don't come to the internet with that intention. You don't think, "You know what? Let's spend 45 minutes learning about Scott Baio. That sounds like a good idea." You don't plan that. No one would plan something like that. But you end up clicking this and clicking that, and there's your 45 minutes.
There should be a meditative practice where you detach yourself from your desire for Scott Baio information, and wonder where it comes from.
Why, with so much available on the internet, do we study something like Scott Baio? Is it our id, ego, or superego? None of the above. Freud had a lot to say about a lot of things--but he drew the line there. "I know why you do this, I know why you do that. But I don't know about the Scott Baio thing. No idea. There's no way you can figure that one out." That's chapter ten of Freud's book. Freud, Jung, all of them. They threw in the towel on that one. "We don't know why. For some reason, people just do things like study Scott Baio."
There's only one group of people convinced that it's not weird to spend 45 minutes studying Scott Baio. And that group of people is celebrities. Scott Baio himself will tell you, "Yeah. You should study Scott Baio. That's why the internet exists. Finally. The world has full access to Scott Baio trivia, news, and more. That was the missing ingredient in the world. Now we have it. Thanks to the internet. And the creator of the world wide web, Tim Berners-Lee. He was probably inspired by me. He watched Charles in Charge and Happy Days, and then he came up with the idea for the world wide web. So I basically co-invented the web. I should add that to my Wikipedia page. So when people do their 45 minutes of Scott Baio studies, they'll know."