Communism Sucks

Just about everywhere I go, I hear some communist lunatic say something like, “The country as a whole is making tens of thousands of dollars per person per year in goods and services—enough to meet everyone’s needs and then some. Instead of giving half of everything to Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey, why not distribute it equally?”

I’ll tell you why.

For starters, that would make the world far less entertaining. I mean, do you think Beverly Hills 90210 would’ve been interesting if everyone on the show had been making $25 an hour? Do you think there would’ve been a Civil War in communist 19th century America? Do you think we’d enjoy stories about people not getting screwed by businesses?

But to make matters worse, giving everyone an equal share of the pie will make the pie less satisfying. I enjoy money largely due to the fact that not everyone can have it. If we all end up with an equal share, Mr. Franklin and friends won’t really have the same effect.

And do we really want a world with no homelessness or poverty? After all, the world needs dirty drunk guys wearing Mr. T t-shirts and threatening Napoleon.

And don’t get me started on those lunatics who claim that capitalism is unfair. I mean, what could be fairer than people taking a percentage of what other people produce? And what could be fairer than an open market that gives everyone choices? If Mr. I Hate Capitalism doesn’t like Windows or doesn’t want to work for Bill Gates, all he has to do is start his own company and go head to head with Microsoft. And if he doesn’t do that, then he’s just lazy.

Capitalism Sucks

Capitalism is the root of every problem known to man. We’d all be living in a divine godless paradise—if only the state controlled everything and distributed it equally (—although to be honest, I think I should get a little something extra for creating the system).

Let me put it this way: do you think the guy who works at Company A for $10 an hour wants to work at company A for $10 an hour?

No! He wants to work for Company B.

Why?

Because they’re offering him $20 an hour.

That’s the problem with capitalism. Workers can’t avoid being exploited.

But that’s not the worst part. The main problem with capitalism is that it breeds a lack of productivity.

People won’t be productive unless they get paid a certain fixed amount regardless of what they do. If an economy rewards someone for developing the assembly line or inventing the telephone, people are going to spend all day smoking joints and playing hackey sack.

But if both the joint smoking hacky sack player and Henry Jonas Bell end up making the same wages, everyone will spend all of their waking hours trying to be as productive as the latter, so they can make the same amount of money as everyone else.

And once that happens, technology will advance, efficiency will increase, the prices of goods and services will drop, and the average person’s quality of life will go through the roof.

Capitalism has never—ever—managed to do something like that.