NARRATOR And Cain and Abel made their offerings to God. But God preferred Abel's animals to Cain's fruit. And Cain was jealous and angry. And that night, he killed his brother Abel.
Cain is walking in a field.
GOD Cain.
CAIN Uh. Yes God?
GOD Is there something you want to tell me?
CAIN ... No.
GOD Where is Abel?
CAIN I don't know.
GOD Are you sure?
CAIN Well -- between me and you, the guy has a serious drinking problem. He's probably stumbling around in some field.
GOD Silence! Who do you think you’re trying to fool? I know exactly what you did.
CAIN I have no idea what you're talking about.
GOD Oh yeah?
A bright light from Heaven shines right on Cain and reveals blood all over his body.
GOD Then how do you explain the blood all over your body?
CAIN I cut myself shaving.
GOD But it's your brother's blood.
CAIN What makes you say that?
GOD I just performed a DNA test.
CAIN You can do that?
GOD Yes.
CAIN ... OK, fine. I killed him. But this is all your fault.
GOD My fault? How do you figure?
CAIN Why did you have to prefer his offering?
GOD (innocently) What? I was in the mood for lamb.
CAIN Well, your mood ended up killing my brother. I was just a victim of circumstances.
GOD You can't blame others for your own decisions. Confucius said...
CAIN Yeah -- I know. My dad told me.
GOD Well did he also tell you that I don’t take too kindly to human sin?
CAIN Uh... no, he didn’t. In fact, I didn’t even know killing someone was against the rules. In fact, I didn’t know there were any rules. ... So uh -- I suppose you’re just gonna let me off with a warning.
GOD No -- that’s not really my style. Besides -- you should’ve known not to kill another person.