And why the hell did Orientals transform into Asians? That ended up displacing the continental identity of over 2 billion people from countries like India, Armenia, Sri Lanka, and Tajikistan. Nowadays, the word Asian doesn't even make any sense. [Person 1:] "You're from Tajikistan? Where's that?" [Person 2:] "Central Asia." [Person 1:] "So you're Asian?" [Person 2:] "No, you dumbass. You think just 'cause I'm from Asia, that makes me Asian? There's no in. Just Azhe. In Tajikistan, we live in Asia--but we're not officially affiliated with the continent. Asia doesn't know about us--so we're not Asian. We're like ninjas. We're ninjasians. {Person 1:] "I don't get it." [Person 2:] "Let me put it this way. In Japan, when they come across Asianness, they soak in it, like sushi soaking in soy sauce. But in Tajikistan, we're like, "Nah, bro. We're not gonna soak in Asianness. We're gonna soak in Miscellaneousness. 'Cause we're not Asians--we're Miscellanians."
Do you know why an orange is called an orange? A long, long time ago, some guy held one up, looked at it for three seconds, and said, "Round. No--I'll be more specific. Orange." Then he picked up another fruit. "It's a berry, it's blue--it's a blueberry. I'm a genuis." Then he named a lot of other foods. And everyone told him, "Dude--you called a small, sweet fruit a grape; and you called a big, bitter fruit a grapegruit. And the vegetable you called a carrot is orange, the fruit you called an orange is half yellow, and the fruit you called a called a blueberry is half purple." And he was like, "What's your point?" And they said, "Our point is that we shouldn't have made you the fruit and vegetable namer--you lazy, colorblind lunatic."
English is the greatest language in the world, except for the spelling and the letter lineup. I want to know what asshole chose the 26 letters we use. It takes a very special kind of lunacy to go with letters like Q and X. The "kw" sound is only in 1,000 words, the "ks" sound is only in 3,000 words, and the 'ch' sound is in 20,000 words. "Kw" was given its own letter Q, "Ks" was given its own letter X, and "ch" is freaking homeless. It doesn't have its own letter. We gave it the the water and vinegar combination of a C and H. C and H? They have no business being combined in the first place. And what the hell do a C and H have to do with a "ch" sound? Nothing. There's no connection at all. What's next? Are we gonna merge Home Depot with Time Warner Cable, and turn the whole thing into a Chinese goji berry farm? Any time C and H are together, C tells H, "I'm not feeling 'ch'-ish next to you. Are you feeling 'ch'-ish next to me?" And H is like, "No." And C says, "Then how the hell are we 'ch?'" I think one day, all 20,000 ch sounds are going to start a revolution, take over the letter Q, and expel the kw sound. And the ch's will announce, "We live in Q now. It's ours. Cherry. Q-E-R-R-Y. Cherry."
Q is the most racist letter in the alphabet. It told the the Council of Letters and Words, "I only want to be around my kind. I can't stand all of those other letters. Except for U. I find it tolerable. As long as it doesn't say anything. How about any time you use me, you put a blank space to the left of me, and a silent U to the right of me?" [Council:] "Fine. Whatever. Who cares? You're only in a thousand words anyways." Any time there's a word with a Q, you can hear the Q making racist remarks to the U next to it. "Look at those Bs over there. I hate Bs. Freaking Bs. With their rap music, and their Kool-Aid, and their rims." Then Q tells the Bs, "Why don't you move to the back of the word?" And a B replies, "What are you talking about? You want us to go to the end of the word quibble?" [Q:] "Yeah." [B:] "What are you--illiterate or something? If we move to the end, the word will become quilebb." [Q:] "Just go there. To the back." [B:] "Why do you want us to go to the back? Is it because we're B?! Is that why?!" [Q:] "No. It's not because you're B. I just think quibble should be spelled Q-U-I-L-E-B-B."