I’m trying to become a billionaire. How does one do that?
I'm pretty sure you have to yell at people. But I'm not sure who to yell at. I bought The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but it didn't mention anything about yelling. So I returned the book and yelled at the people working at Barnes and Noble. But that didn't make me rich.
Who does Donald Trump yell at? I need to yell at that person. Or maybe I should just yell at Trump himself. "Trump! You son of a bitch!" That might make me some money.
Let's analyze some billionaires/
Mark Cuban is a billionaire. How did he make his money? He started a horseshit website called broadcast.com, and sold it to Yahoo. The website wasn’t actually making money, and it didn't have much in the way of users--but Yahoo paid billions of dollars for it. And, to make a long story short, Mark Cuban lived happily ever after. Yahoo didn't, though. Because broadcast.com doesn't even exist anymore.
So that's the story of Mark Cuban's billions. I'm actually pretty close to doing what he did. Sort of. I mean, I've already managed to not make money the way his site did. Now I just need to sell it for billions of dollars for it. I'm not sure what "it" is--but it's definitely worth more than broadcast.com was.
Who else has made a lot of money? Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. What did they do to make their money? Well, Mary Kate is a fashion icon who popularized the "homeless look."
Maybe I should do something like that. She's already covered the homeless look. How about I go with the the insane look? People who were into the homeless look will see my movement as the next step. They'll go from looking homeless to looking insane. And as an added bonus, the straight jacket will not only be fashionable, it'll also be useful. After all, if you're willing to spend thousands of dollars to look homeless, you could get a lot of use out of a straight jacket. Just make sure it's one of my red, upscale, $5,000 straight jackets.
I should point out that the red idea isn't really mine. I didn't originate it. I borrowed it from Christian Louboutin--a billion dollar a year shoe designer known for his red shoe soles. He's the innovator who painted a shoe sole red. Then some other shoe manufacturers had the audacity to paint their shoe soles red--and Louboutin sued them. "I own the rights to red."
What if I find a red shoe sole that dates back to the year 1852? Then what? Will that hurt his lawsuit? If I find that shoe, will I have the legal right to hit him over the head with it? I should.
Here's more or less what he has to say: "My customers must meet certain standards. Otherwise, no. Get them away. I don't want them to buy my shoes. I'm an artist. These are my creations. They cost $5,000. Consider yourself lucky that you get to look at my shoes. Angelina Jolie wears them. Angelina Jolie wears my shoes. A good shoe is like a good wine. That's why Angleina Jolie wears my shoes. She knows good wine, and she knows good shoes. Have you seen Angelina Jolie's feet? I've had the honor of seeing them on numerous ocassions. Very nice. By the way--I own the rights to red. If you use it, I'll sure you."
Maybe I should start suing people over colors, the way Christian "I Own the Rights to Red" Louboutin does.
I definitely want to sue someone for something. Yelling at people is good--but you're going to have a tough time becoming a billionaire unless you also sue people.
You know who does a lot of suing? Sumner Redstone--the billionaire who runs CBS, Paramount, MTV, BET, Showtime, Nickelodeon, Simon & Schuster, and Comedy Central. He's very fond of filing lawsuits.
Actually, that's not true. I've been reading his autobiography--and in it, he repeatedly states that he doesn't like lawsuits. He tries to avoid them. In fact, he mentions that about every two pages.
Page 50. "I wasn't going to let her get away with what she was doing. So I sued her. I didn't want to sue her. I don't like suing people. But I really didn't have a choice. So I filed a $100 million suit against her. After all, she had no right to knock on my door and try to sell me girl scout cookies."
Page 52. "They crossed the line. And they left me with no option but to file a suit. Lawsuits are something I try to avoid--but sometimes there's not much you can do. So I sued them for $500 million. After all, they're calling themselves the International House of Pancakes--but they don't even serve any Latvian or Pakistani food."
I want to sue Sumner Redstone. That's my goal. I want to build a media empire, and I want to sue Sumner Redstone. Me suing him will be like him passing the baton on to me. So look forward to a lawsuit. My media empire is going to sue his companies. We'll also go after Sumner himself. And I'll personally sue Sumner. And his companies. And his children. I don't want to sue his children. I don't like lawsuits. But they really crossed the line. I'm not sure how--but I'll figure something out. Maybe they used the color green without my permission.
I have another really good moneymaking idea. For a 1-900 number that's kind of like a psychic hotline, but not quite. My phone line will be more of a listening service. Call us up, and for $2.99 a minute, someone will patiently listen to everything you have to say, and agree with all of it. 1-900 YOU'RE RIGHT. Just call us up and say anything. And someone will agree with you. [Caller:] "My husband's being unreasonable." [Listener / Agreer:] "Yes. You're absolutely right. He is being unreasomable." [Caller 2:] "Obama's a Muslim." [Listener / Agreer:] "He sure is. Not only is he a Muslim, he heads his own Mosque." [Caller 3:] "The Cowboys should've gone for it on 4th and 1." [Listener / Agreer:] "They sure should've. You know what? They should make you their new head coach."
If I set up that line, I'll probably end up calling it, too. [Me:] "I'm funnier than Jerry Seinfeld." [Listener / Agreer:] "Yes. You're absolutely right. If he's made a billion dollars, you should be worth ten billion."
This is America." -->