Where should I begin? Um… How about the beginning? Although I suppose I could tell you what happened before the beginning. But then again, I don’t want to take all the mystery out of it. I mean, in this business, if you just put all of your cards on the table, odds are you’re not going to end up with a bestseller.
So let’s just start with the beginning. In the beginning, there was nothing. Kind of like a dark empty region in outer space. Although there wasn’t any darkness at all. Or space. Or time. Wait—maybe there was time. I don’t remember—it was such a long time ago.
Anyways, the point is, from nothing, I created something. Why? Well, just listen to the story.
And from nothing, I created something—as in light,
a sky, water, land, plants, a sun, a moon, stars, birds, fish, insects, and animals. (I like variety.) And finally, I made human beings in my own image. (Well—pretty much in my own image. Aside from the fact that I don’t have any toenails. And I’m invisible.)
And that was it. An entire universe. It took me less than a week.
(In fact, I finished a day early and spent Sunday watching football. —By the way, I started on Monday—) (I'm God—no big deal.)
And everything was good--from light to human beings. A few days later, however, human beings lost some of their goodness. I mean, I gave you one rule. “Don’t eat the apples on that tree.” That’s it. And what did you do?
You ate the apples on the tree. (I guess you like variety, too.)
I was mad. I considered hitting the reset button and starting all over. But I figured having imperfect humans would make things a little more interesting.
So instead of killing you, I punished you. Your days of free room and board were over.
But to be honest, I think the change was for the best. I mean, sitting around all day eating fruit really isn’t much of a life.
And then what happened? I turned my back for a millennium or two, and the next thing I knew, you lost way more of your goodness. So I, uh, did a little remodeling, and dropped some of you off in Turkey.
And a few hundred years later, I decided to choose a man named Abram Abraham, and I promised to give his descendants some land land. But just to make things interesting, I sent them to Egypt and made them wait a while.
I then led my people out of Egypt and gave them a few hundred laws, like don't worship any other gods, don't misuse my holy name, honor your parents (unless, of course, they tell you to worship other gods), the Professor and Mary Anne. And after making my chosen people wait in the desert for a few decades, I gave them a chunk of land about the size of New Jersey.
And all in all, I’d say they had a pretty good time there. But they ended up worshipping other gods (I tried to tell them I was jealous, but they just wouldn’t listen), and I more or less brought their kingdom to an end.
But after a while, I felt like the market was ripe for a sequel—so I sent my son down to shake things up a bit.
Or did I send myself down?
I’m not sure.
Either way, my son and/or I took the form of a bearded, long-haired man in sandals, and went on a mission preaching to and healing the people, turning water into wine and ice into popsicles, and doing some other things involving reindeer, chocolate eggs, holy water, and communion wafers. I also added a few new laws, like "Do not do unto others as Bill O’Reilly would like to do unto Obama," "Forgive and you will be forgiven (of a sin of equal or lesser value)," "You can’t serve both the Mets and the Yankees; you can’t serve both God and money; you can’t serve both red wine and blue cheese," and "Beware of all false prophets, all fat bearded men in red suits, and all infomercial pitchmen promising $19.99 miracles."
Part Two was hardly anything like Part One—and most people really noticed. In fact, one group was so upset about the changes that it banded together and killed me.
But after a few days, I decided death wasn’t for me—so I rose from the dead, did my thing for a few more weeks, and then relocated uptown and moved back in with my self and my other self.
Amen.
The Apostles’ Creed
Martin Luther’s Protestant Reformation
The Qur’an
Recorded Teachings of the Buddha
Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching
The Analects of Confucius
Teachings of Reality’s Only True Non-Existent God