A few years ago, cancelling your AOL account was like trying to leave the mafia. This was their motto: "Once you've got mail, you've got mail for life. You got that? Kapeesh?"
They wouldn't even let people cancel their accounts online. "AOL," they shouted. "America Online. You can do anything online." But as soon as anyone said, "Can I cancel my account online?" they replied, "No--call us up." You had to call an internet company to cancel your internet service.
And whenever someone called, they made him go to war. Because over at AOL accounts, they told their employees, "People are going to call us, and try to cancel their accounts--like they have a choice or something. What you need to do is break their wills. Destroy them. We'll give you a bonus if they stay with AOL. And we'll give another bonus if they end up in a mental institute. Just make sure they don't commit suicide. Dead people don't have credit cards."
I'll bet even those crazy pro wrestler types had a tough time cancelling their AOL accounts. Just imagine the Rock on the phone with AOL:
[The Rock:] "Finally, the Rock is cancelling his AOL account." [AOL:] "Uh OK. What's your username?" [The Rock:] "therock@aol.com" [AOL:] "Oh. OK. Well, we actually have a special offer for you." [The Rock:] "Well, what's the offer?" [AOL:] "We can..." [The Rock:] "It doesn't matter what your offer is! The Rock doesn't want AOL."
[AOL:] "Oh. OK. Alright. Now, I can do one of two things for you, Rock. I can either cancel your account, or I can give you threee free months of AOL." [The Rock:] "The Rock doesn't want AOL. It doesn't matter if it's free. The Rock wants to cancel his AOL account."
[AOL:] "OK, great So I can do one of three things for you, Rock. I can cancel your account, I can give you three free months, or I can give you nine months for just $5 per month." [The Rock:] "You're not listening ot the Rock. The Rock doesn't want AOL. He doesn't want it if it's discounted. He doesn't want it if it's free. He does not want it on a train. He does not want it on a plane. The Rock doesn't want AOL. Period."
[AOL:] "OK, great. So you want to renew your subscription?" [The Rock:] "No, no. The Rock wants to cancel his account." [AOL:] "OK, great. May I ask why you want to cancel your account." [The Rock:] "It doesn't matter why the Rock wants to cancel his account!"
I think the AOL guy would end up completely destroying the Rock at some point. Like 20 minutes into it. The Rock would be finished.
[The Rock:] "[Crying] The Rock... the Rock... just wants you to cancel his AOL acount. That's it. That's all the Rock wants." [AOL:] "Well let me just say this, Rock. I can give you 15 months for just $6 per month. How does that sound?"
It would turn into one of those "I Quit" matches--those matches that go on until a wrestler actually quits. It would be the Rock vs. the AOL guy. And my money would be on the AOL guy.
[AOL:] "OK, so Rock. I can give you 6 free months, and give you 6 additional months for just $5.99 a month." ... [The Rock:] "OK. The Rock'll take your offer. Finally, the Rock has come back to AOL." [AOL:] "You never left, Rock. You never left AOL. And you never will leave AOL. And do you want to know why?" [The Rock:] "Yes. Yes. The Rock would like to know why." [AOL:] "Listen up, and listen good, Rocky. You might be high flying and electrifying in that wrestling ring. But around here, at AOL accounts, you're nothing but a jabroni. ... And that's the bottom line, because AOL said so."
So AOL went with that strategy for a while. And eventually, they got sued. And a few years ago, it became much easier to cancel your account.
Nowadays, when you tell people you use AOL, they act like you drive a Ford Edsel or Pinto. "What do you mean you use AOL? Is your computer stuck in 2002?"
Several months ago, AOL bought the Huffington Post for $300 million. How does AOL even have $300 million? I know they paid for it in stock--but AOL stock should be like Zimbabwean currency. You should need a truckload of it to buy a grape. Or to buy some blog with 10 followers. AOL shouldn’t be acquiring anyone. If anything, it should be acquired. By some crackhead on the street. “In recent news, some crackhead won $100 in a dice game and used it to buy AOL.”
I think it's hard for some people to get off of AOL. They don't want to change their email address, and they're used to the AOL software. They need some sort of Nicorette gum or patch to make the move to Google.
They shouldn't make the move to Yahoo.