The Anti-Texas Diet

I just fixed myself a sandwich of 100% organic hemp seeds, purple lettuce, soybeans, soy-free tofu, and dairy-free goatless goat cheese, all on wheat-free bread wrapped in a cornless corn tortilla. And the sandwich is on a plate-free plate. On top of a table-free table. In a kitchenless kitchen. In my apartment-free apartment. In a buildingless apartment building. On land owned by Native Americans. Organic Native Americans.

I have yet to take a bite out of the sandwich. In fact, I'm not going to eat it for another ten minutes. Why? Because I experience my food before I eat it. I stare at it, smell it, and sing to it. I take it on organic walks around my apartment. I tell it how conservatives have ruined the country, and how they want to kill all black people.

I become one with the sandwich.

And then I pick it up and eat it. But I only use my left hand--even though I'm right handed.

It's all part of the greatest diet ever known to man: the Anti-Texas Diet. Just do the opposite of what people in Texas do.