The Library: Revised and Condensed
The male ELEPHANT locks in on a female, gets on his knees, and proceeds to beg her for sex until she gives in.
The male DOLPHIN employs the T. Edison method: he screws anything and everything in sight—from fish to water—in hopes of somehow finding his penis’s way into a female dolphin.
PANDAS won’t so much as touch each other until they’ve read an instruction manual.
Oddly enough, TURTLES are lightning fast in bed, going in and out at a rate of 437 times per second, and doing the entire deed (including post sex cuddling) dozens of times in a matter of minutes. However, their courtships often last upwards of forty years, and require couples to watch movies that neither the male nor the female wants to see.
EMPEROR PENGUINS get busy from 12:00 to 12:02 AM each Valentine’s Day, and spend the rest of the year masturbating to the memory of those two minutes.
Female PORCUPINES are in the mood less often than the Cubs win the World Series—but when they want it, they want the works, and will go so far as to toss aside a male lover for a new one as soon as he shows any sign of tiring. Interestingly enough, porcupine courtships are almost identical to those of humans: the male urinates on the female, and the female uses the information to make her decision.
Male BOWERBIRDS will actually build a BMW out of twigs and leaves just to attract a female.
The male ARGENTINE LAKE DUCK uses his unusually long penis to perform rope tricks in front of his desired female.
Immediately after sexual intercourse, the female PRAYING MANTIS glues herself to the male and attempts to nag him to death.
BONOBOS go at it so often with so many partners and in so many different ways that you’d swear they were starring some sort of porno film.
The male RIGHT WHALE spends about three hours getting his eighty ton body in position for sex—and he usually ends up ejaculating his 42 million gallon load before making it anywhere even remotely close to a vagina.
Male and female GIRAFFES demand oral sex from their partners on a regular basis, notwithstanding the physical difficulties and resulting neck pain.