Making it in this industry isn't easy. I should know. I've been active for a while, and for some reason, I have yet to so much as get an agent.
From Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to samantha@gbagency.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:17 PM
subject Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
Today's your lucky day. I'm going to give you an opportunity to represent me and "earn" commissions that you don't deserve. Why? Because I don't have any other choice. It's not easy to get somewhere in this industry without an agent--and that being the case, I'm more than prepared to hand over a chunk of my money to someone like you.
Anyways, take a look at my book Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero. You can find the manuscript on the internet, by Googling "Rodney Ohebsion Liberal Hero." I didn't bother providing an actual link, because I want you to do some actual work and find it manually. I mean, if you're going to take 15 or 20 percent of my money, I'm not going to make things easy for you.
from Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to dbialagency@msn.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:54 PM
subject Submission - Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
I came across your listing at http://www.agentquery.com/ , and to be honest, I'm not 100% sure I want you to represent me.
I mean, your submission guidelines are a little too demanding.
"Submissions should include the following:
the subject of the book
how your book will be new, different, or better
the market (who will buy the book)
your credentials
how you can help the publisher sell the book
the competition (other books on the same subject)"
What the fuck, man? If I'm going to give most of my money to an agent and a publisher, shouldn't they do most of that shit? I mean, when a celebrity hires a bodyguard, the bodyguard doesn't ask his client to help him kick the shit out of people, or to show him how he should kick the shit out of people.
What you need to keep in mind is that you're my employee. I pay you money. Don't ask me about the market or the competition. That's your job. And don;t suggest that I'll need to help the publisher sell my book That's their job.
It's like you and the world's publishers are telling me to become some used car salesman so I can earn my commission, even though you guys are the ones who are taking a percentage from me!
If you want to be my agent, you're going to have to change your attitude. Let me know if you're willing to do that.
from Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to jmsubmissions@dijkstraagency.com
date Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 4:27 PM
subject Submission - Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
Jill,
(By the way--even though I'm using your first name, I expect you to address me as "Mr. Ohebsion." Failure to do so will disqualify you from becoming my agent. You work for me. I don't work for you.)
I noticed that your agency represents bullshit women's books like The Joy Luck Club. I'm here to save you from putting out crap like that. Those works have a destructive effect on the world.
If you have any principles whatsoever (which is not that likely considering how you're an agent), you'll agree to represent my book Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero.
I just went through your submission guidelines, and noticed that you want a query letter, book overview, brief bio, description of competing books, and the first 10-15 pages of my book's first chapter. I'm assuming you're not serious about any of that except for the last part--and instead of giving you the first 10-15 pages, I'll just include a few chapters:
Why I'm Against the Mosque at Ground Zero
Disneyland Needs a Makeover
I Want You to Be My Friend
From Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to [Some Piece of Shit Who Didn't Reply to Me]
date Tue, Feb 1, 2011 at 12:15 AM
subject Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
Hi. I'm currently seeking an agent for my book Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero, and I'm not going to waste my time writing a query. Just click on the link, read a few chapters, and then tell me why you don't want to represent me. I'm pretty much expecting a rejection (or no reply at all)--but my overoptimistic side urged me to send out a submission and hope for the best.
And even if you tell me to fuck off, I'll still end up winning. I love creating enemies within the industry. I love creating enemies in general. [Some Piece of Shit Who Didn't Reply to Me] would be a nice addition to my enemies list.
To me, you're just a random asshole, anyways. You're just a random guy I came across on the internet. I didn't even bother reading your bio, and to be honest, I really don't know anything about your company. Do you actually think I'm going to spend a few minutes doing research before sending out a submission? Are you fucking kidding me? I'll probably need to send out 20,000 submissions just to end up with one agent or publishing deal. Who the fuck are you to demand that I spent tens of thousands of minutes researching some bullshit like that! You've got some fucking nerve.
The second I saw that picture of you in a white t-shirt, I knew you were a fucking asshole. I knew it.
You know what? I'm going to read some of your bio, just out of curiosity.
Snapper huh? As in seafood or football? Either way, you piss me off.
A full scholarship to NYU?
Sorry, bro. I'm looking for a Harvard man.
If you know a good agent with a Harvard degree, please forward this email to him.
from Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to jenndec@aol.com
date Fri, Feb 18, 2011 at 9:27 PM
subject Query - I Don't Want You to Be My Agent
Honestly, I'm getting a little sick of agents rejecting my works.. So this time I'm turning the tables. I'm rejecting your agency. I don't want to be represented by any of you. And should I ever land a publishing deal, I'll be sure to send you statements detailing how much you didn't make off of me. I'll also take pictures of my agent enjoying the money you didn't make, and send you framed copies of them. Just imagine my agent waltzing around New York with the $10,000 purse she bought with a commission from my account. Forget pictures--I'm going to videotape that shit in 3D.
I'm just pissed off I can't reject you by not sending you an email. After all, that's what you fuckers usually do to me.
I'll tell you what. Any time you go an hour without getting an email, just consider it a rejection from me in the form of a a non-response.
from Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to mra_queries3@rusoffagency.com
date Fri, Feb 18, 2011 at 10:10 PM
subject Submission - The Library: Revised and Condensed
I'm a little confused. Your website says: "Our list is currently full and we are unable to accept unsolicited projects at this time. Please check back with us at the end of 2010." And it's currently early 2011. Would I be out of line by sending a submission before getting an official OK from you guys?
Well--even if I would, it's too fucking late for me now. This is the submission.
I actually think breaking the rules will boost my chances with you. It shows that I'm a real go-getter.I don't give a shit what lines I have to cross--I'll go out there and make something happen. I'm known for doing just that. My various restraining orders are proof. You guys might even end up filing one against me at some point.
Anyways, here's my manuscript http://www.rodneyohebsion.com/tlrac.htm
I guess it's not really a manuscript in the conventional sense. It's more like an e-book I've had on the internet for about a half a year. It's getting about 20 readers a day--and according to my webstats, most of them don't stick around for long.
But you know what? Fuck the internet! Internet stats don't mean shit.
After all, there's a sneezing panda video on YouTube with 100 million views--and I don't recall seeing so much as a single sneezing panda book at Barnes and Noble.
Although now that I think of it, maybe the sneezing panda would do well there. I mean, if 100 million people want to see that shit online, at least a few million of them will want to buy something related to sneezing pandas. Holy shit! I can't believe I didn't think of this shit earlier.
You know what? Just put a picture of a sneezing panda on the cover of my book. It's not actually about sneezing pandas--but don't worry. I mean, most Nike commercials aren't actually about shoes.
Oh--and by the way, the sneezing panda idea is mine. If you use it to sell anything other than my book, I'll get Larry H. Parker on your asses.
rom Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to Query@lorettabarrettbooks.com
date Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 1:41 PM
subject Query - Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
Agents never cease to amaze me. I mean, there's no way you can justify shit like this:
"Also, due to the increasingly overwhelming number of electronic submissions we receive, we can no longer respond to every one. Please know that if we are interested in your work, you will hear from us within 3-6 weeks, and if you do not hear from us within 3-6 weeks, then you should feel free to submit your work to another agency"
Are you fucking serious? You expect people to submit shit to you, wait 3-6 weeks, and then move on to another agency? Fuck you! I'll feel free to submit to 1000 agencies at a time.To suggest that there's anything wrong with that is completely insane.
Anyways, I want you to represent my book Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero http://www.rodneyohebsion.com/home.htm After all, shameless people tend to get far in this industry--and I think its safe to assume you assholes don't have an ounce of shame.
By the way, I want an actual response within 3-6 hours. And even if you want to represent me, you're going to have to wait 3-6 years for me to make my final decision. I might be able to find a better agency during that time.
Rodney Ohebsion rodney3399@gmail.com
to JMANasst@wma.com
date Tue, Feb 22, 2011 at 10:16 PM
subject Submission - Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero
I'm so fucking sick of submitting shit to agents. I'm sick of it! And I'm sure you don't give a shit. You're too important for me. Everyone in this industry is too important for me. No one ever replies to anything I ever send out. No one. Are you fucking listening to this? Are you? Probably not. You probably think you're too fucking important. This industry is filled with people who are convinced they're more important than almost everyone else in the industry. Why? because they represented Rush Limbaugh from 1991-1992, or they know Steven Spielberg, or they have a YouTube account with 20,000 subscribers, or they manage Corey Feldman, or they signed a deal with Harper Collins, or they made an appearance on Comedy Central Presents. It's unbelievable. And most of these highly important people don't do shit 95% of the time. They promote themselves. They wear suits. They have lunch meetings. They print more business cards.
Yes, yes--you're very important. Yes, yes--I'm a nobody. You have every right to ignore me. You have every fucking right. Why? Because you're fucking important. I'm not. You! You're important! You're important!
Well, Mr. Important. Do you want to represent my book Rodney Ohebsion: Liberal Hero http://www.rodneyohebsion.com/home.htm ? Huh, asshole! Apparently, I need to align myself with some asshole as important as you. I need to use your importance to get somewhere in this world.
Are you interested, or shall I move on to some other important motherfucker?
Fuck You