The Library: Revised and Condensed
None of your business!
You want to know something about me? Fine. Here you go—you nosy asshole.
Goals: make life miserable for all non-Jews… that’s pretty much it
If I had more time, I would: probably waste it.
If I had more money, I would: be an even bigger asshole than I am now.
If you had more money, I would: suck up to you to
If I were sane, I would: not have a shoe in my anus right now
If I could have anything in the world, it would be: another shoe in my anus. Ah—there we go.
If there were 48 hours in a day: I’d never use the expression “24/7”
If I could change one thing about myself, it would be: As far as I’m concered, I’m perfect. But I can think of about a thousand things I’d like to change about you.
If I could spend a day with any person, living or dead, it would be: A whole day? What are you—crazy? I don’t think there’s a single person I can put up with for more more than ten minutes. But if I had to spend a day with someone, it would definitely be a dead person. And I mean that literally. Because I’d rather spend time with a corpse than some living asshole who’ll almost certainly piss me off
If God gave me his new revelations to mankind, I would: copyright them
If 2 + 2 equaled 5, I would: fire my accountant
If all of my friends jumped off of a bridge, I would: sue the bridge company.
If people were rational: they would make me emperor of the planet.
If I were emperor of the planet: I’d turn the Middle East into one huge Red Lobster, Africa into two huge Red Lobsters, and everywhere else into three huge Red Lobsters. (By the way—I hate Red Lobster.)
If you weren’t such an asshole: maybe the world would be a halfway decent place
If I weren’t such an asshole: not much would change. I mean, one person really can’t make that much of a difference.
Turn-ons: long walks in the airport, short walks in Chinatown, Long John Silver, short commercial breaks, Long Island iced team, short order cooks, eyepatches, words that begin with the letter Q, prime numbers, Times New Roman font, protons, electrons, politeness, rudeness, vitamin B12, girls who read Cosmo backwards, girls who read Cosmo forwards, girls who read, girls who don’t read, Confederate currency, Japanese businessmen, long showers, cold showers, golden showers
Turnoffs: short walks in public restrooms, long walks off of short piers, channel one, petroleum
My hobbies: masturbating in front of my goldfish, wondering how I made such a mess of my life
Favorite Wu Tang Clan member: the black one
Favorite N Sync member: the white one
Least Embarrassing Moment: the time I drank milk and nothing happened
Favorite brand of douche: What kind of questions are these!?
Favorite Sounds: a nonexistent tree falling in a forest, a tree not falling in a forest, a tree falling in a nonexistent forest, a cowboy eating grapes on November 2nd
Five things I can’t live without: air, water, food, heat, hamster urine
Religious Beliefs: I believe there’s a 93% chance I’m God At one point, I was up to 97%, but after making some ungodly decisions, I had to revise that figure down a few notches.
Religious Non-Beliefs: Satan’s a nice guy, God’s been asleep for the last 32 billion years, the Dalai Lama wasn’t the Dalai Lama to begin with, the Devil created everything other than Benihana’s, God switched places with Wayne Newton
Jobs I’ve had: manure inspector, manure taster, President of Mexico, Senate Majority Leader, superhero, professional door knocker, non-competitive eater, head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders, John Doe impersonator, Tom Cruise non-lookalike, video game character, giraffe hairdresser, Sanford & Son coordinator, Charmin squeezer, mattress tag remover, water drinker, Tito of The Jacksons, Chief Justice of the Supremes, HIJK of G Unit, non-member of Kool & the Gang, unemployment check casher, candy cane designer, Mrs. Donald Trump, ping pong watcher, ladder climber, Chief Hand-In-Pants of the Findaho Tribe, keyboard duster, professional non-golfer, inventor of duck duck duck goose, Quaker Oats Guy, Monday morning quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, unemployed gynecologist, used underwear sniffer, dog testicle scratcher, Hooters waiter, single housewife, 99 cent store item, doorbell ringer, bullshit detector, tiger bikini waxer, animal porn director, Elvis Presley impersonator impersonator, Elat Market greeter, Inpector Number 43, master of ceremonies, master of alimony, sand grain counter, ass kisser, jerri curl activator, professional tic-tac-toe player, paparazzi paparazzi, “12 Items or Less” Line security guard, Kentuck Fried Chicken Secret Herb #3
Favorite foods: anything that doesn’t taste like horse poo, anything that tastes a little like horse poo, horse poo
Political Beliefs: Liberalism is a mental disorder, conservatism is a disorder of the mind—and if you’re neither a conservative nor a liberal, you’re just fucking nuts