Rodney Ohebsion

The Truth About the 1950s

1950s Jukebox

At some point in our lives, most of us have heard someone ramble on and on about the good old 1950s—a decade of purity, scientific advancement, economic prosperity, rockin’ music, and good, clean fun.

But guess what? It’s all a bunch of lies—down to the very root. Because the 50s weren’t anything like what you’ve been led to believe. In fact, they weren’t anything… period. And why? Because they never actually took place at all! The entire decade is merely a giant hoax!

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “What about Happy Days? What about Richie, Potsie, Joanie, Chachi, and Ralphy? And for rock-around-the-clock’s sake, what about Fonzie?!”

Well guess what? I did some digging around, and was able to uncover a secret that will change the way you think about your favorite decade forever.

I first realized something was up when I came across a 1960s sitcom known as the Andy Griffith Show, and noticed a young actor who bore a striking resemblance to Ron Howard, a.k.a. Richie Cunningham of Happy Days. However, the Andy Griffith Show actor went by the name Ronnie Howard, and was just a young boy in the early 1960s, while the Happy Days actor was a young teenager in the late 1950s.

Ron Howard and Ronnie Howard
Ron Howard holding up his hand

Sensing that I might be on to something, I obtained an actual Ronnie Howard hair from a classic TV memorabilia collector in Sheboygan, Michigan, as well as a Ron Howard hair from a longtime Ron Howard stalker by the name of Anson Williams. I then ran a DNA test of the two hairs—and they were a match! Little Ronnie Howard from the 1960s had the same DNA as teenage Ron Howard from the 1950s and 60s!!!

My first assumption was that Ron Howard was actually an alien who used his ANA (Alienoxyribonucleic Acid) to morph into Ron Howard in the 1950s, and then morph back and forth between Ron Howard and Ronnie Howard in the 1960s. However, I noticed that my Ron Howard and Ronnie Howard hairs were both red—and as we all know, aliens can’t morph into red haired human males with normal sized pinky fingers.

My next theory was that Ron Howard time traveled from the 50s to the 40s, picked up his younger self, and then took him to the 60s, where he became Ronnie Howard, star of The Andy Griffith Show. But that theory was disproved when I ran a test of the hairs for time travel residue, and it came up negative.

At that point, I decided to shift my investigation from Ron Howard to the Happy Days series, hoping some new clue would make sense of everything.


CIABC Logo Fonzie

And after a thorough, exhaustive search, I finally came across a CIABC employee (for those of you who don’t know, ABC owns the CIA) who seemed to know something —and after slipping some alien truth serum in his gin and tonic. I got him to spill everything an hour later: THE ENTIRE HAPPY DAYS SERIES WAS FILMED FROM 1974 to 1984—well over a decade after December 31, 1959!!!

But don’t subtract ten years from your calendar yet—because there’s more. Ten years more, to be exact. What do I mean? The 50s we all know might be 100% bull, but a real decade did take place between the 40s and 60s—a decade known (to hardly anyone) as the Lost 50s!

1950s 1950s

Albert Einstein

In the early 1900s, Albert Einstein discovered that tiny bits of matter contain massive amounts of energy. By 1945, a group of scientists managed to split atoms and release that energy in the form of an atom bomb. But what you might not know is that one of those scientists developed a “reverse fission” process that binds two split particles into a special “double stuff” atom. At the time, double stuff atoms were thought to be a mere oddity with no practical use. But in (the real) 1954, a scientist by the name of Jim Smith noticed something strange—a subatomic particle that was neither positive, negative, nor neutral. And four years later, while experimenting with the particle—which he termed a ?tron—he managed to split it into two parts, thereby releasing a substance that mysteriously erased 3:04 a.m. on January 3rd, 1901. It took him another three years in the laboratory to pinpoint exactly what had happened—but by 1961, he had ?tron time-erasing down to a science, and was capable of eliminating any period in the past with a single piece of celery.

And that’s when the US government—or more specifically, the CIABC and the FBI—stepped in and decided to erase the 1950s.

Johnny Unitas playing soccer

But why? Why did they want to get rid of an entire decade? Because the real 50s were awful! What was so bad about them? Well, for starters, there was the Allies’ embarrassing tie in World War III, the US conversion to communism in 1956, the atheist Civil War of 1957, and worst of all, Johnny Unitas’s 1958 decision to become a professional soccer player.

Eager to eliminate any trace of the worst decade in US history, the CIABC jumped on the opportunity to delete all ten years.

Kool-Aid Man

The plan, however, was not without its risks. After all, erasing the entire decade would eliminate the very development of ?tron time-erasing—which in turn, would lead to a time paradox that would turn the entire universe into Kool-Aid. A team of scientists would have to set up a reverse hyperlink flux calimariscope time barrier—a tricky and potentially unsuccessful process that requires the extraction of Olsenanium metal from 500 tons of EO ores, and the separation of Olsenanium-105 MK from Olsenanium-108 A using magnetic centrifusional yougotitduditronacity.

But watching Johnny Unitas play soccer was so disturbing that everyone felt it was worth the risk—and on April 5, 1961, the US government successfully managed to erase the 50s without creating so much as a trace of Kool-Aid. (The operation did, however, result in a mini paradox that eliminated channel one, caused Van Gogh to cut off his ear, and turned the Grand Mountain into a gigantic canyon.)

TV Fuzz, Van Gogh's Self-Portrait with bandage on ear, the Grand Canyon

But then where did the Fictional 50s come from? Believe it or not, all ten years are based on a lost work of Hans Christian Anderson.

But does that mean that we don’t need to make any changes to our calendar? No—No—and No! In fact, we should actually subtract 1945 years from it. And why? Because the real Christ was actually born 1945 years after Jesus—and his name is Henry “Arthur ‘Fonzi’ Fonzarelli” Winkler!!!

That’s right. Arthur Winkler is in fact the Messiah himself—and I can prove it. Read the following Bible quotes, paying special attention to the parts in boldface caps.

“Son of man, say unto her, Thou ART the land that is not cleansed…” (Ezekiel 22:24) “They shall not HURt nor destroy in all my holy mountain…” (Isaiah 65:25) “And there shall come FOrth a rod out of the stem…” (Isaiah 11:1) “I will be his father, and he shall be my soN…” (1 Chr. 17:13) “…shall possess that of the Canaanites, even unto ZAREphath; and the captivity of Jerusalem…” (Obadiah 1:20) “And the LORD wiLL create upon every dwelling place of mount Zion…” (Isaiah 4:5) “I gave my bACk TO the smiteRs, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair of HENRY WINKLER, STAR OF TELEVISION’S HAPPY DAYS…” (Isaiah 50:6)

But if Henry Winkler is the Christ, then who is Jesus of Nazareth? None other than Ingvar Feodor Kamprad, founder of Swedish home products super retailer IKEA! That’s right! It’s all made plain as (an extremely foggy and cloudy) day in Rembrandt’s celebrated masterpiece Belshazzar's Feast.

Belshazzar's Feast

What? You don’t see it? Well, then look closer. Do you see it now? No? OK. I’ll give you a clue: Look at the guy in the background selling hot dogs. What? You still can’t see it? Well, then that’s not my problem. I can’t point out every little thing to you.

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